Five-Day Flanoscopes

Wondering what’s in the stars for you this week? Wonder no more, because here I am with this week’s Flanoscopes.

Aries: March 21-April 19
Thursday morning, you will step on your glasses getting out of bed because you’ll have accidentally brushed them off the bedside table while turning off your alarm clock.

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It’s Friday! Let’s Dance!

What are your weekend plans, everyone? I have a birthday party to go to tomorrow, and then I need to work on approximately a million projects I’ve neglected this week.

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Arnold’s Japanese Ramen Commercials are About as Weird as You’d Expect

Back before movie stars were brands, they often had to secret themselves away to overseas markets to make the real scrilla selling their image to advertisers. From today’s vantage point, it’s sort of hilarious that Arnold might have been worried about damaging his credibility as an actor, but he clearly wasn’t too worried. I mean, look at these commercials dating from his thespian glory years of 1989 to 1991:

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Flanoscopes for Your I Dunno Whatever

Hi terrestrial beings. (Oh, this is already starting out very poorly.) It’s us. The stars. You know us from your weekly Flanoscopes and from the sky. We know everything.

What you may not know is that we actually hold down a full-time job. And by the time Thursday night rolls around to communicate our predictions for the weekend for you, we’ve put in a full 32 hours of work this week, some of that writing flowery-worded documents, and we know that we’ll be working 8 more hours on Friday. So we come home from work on Thursday, put on pajama pants immediately, and although we want to drink a beer, we know that communicating Flanoscopes to Flanny after a beer or two will be terrible. All we want to do is zone out and watch HGTV, okay? We’re tired on Thursday nights!
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Who Doesn’t Want To Know What They’d Look Like As An Evil Doll?

Chinese iPhone app MyIdol lets you make a terrifying cartoon avatar of yourself, change its clothes and hairstyle, and force it to perform things like pole dancing and karaoke. Obviously these creepy, soulless 3D nightmares will to come to life, crawl out of our phones, and kill us all, and yes, of course I made one:

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It’s been nice knowing you!

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Gaudy Rock Auctioned for Gaudy Amount of Money

Per Buzzfeed and others (photos are from the AP), a massive eyesore of a diamond ring (100 carats!!) just sold at auction for $22 million dollars.  Think about that.  $22 million for this:

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In case it’s not clear how staggeringly large this is, here’s it on a model:

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Take a Refreshing Five-Minute Break from the Rational World with “5 Mètres 80″

(Via Colossal)

 

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