Commentary Commentary: Guiness World Records

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We all miss the Videogum comments section, right?  It was absolutely one of a kind.  If you’ve spent any time looking at literally any other part of the internet (and I know you all have, n3rdz), you’ve seen just basically the worst of humanity in comment form.  The next best thing to Videogum is maybe The AV Club, and they still have firsties, if that’s any indication of how dire the situation is.

With that in mind, I’ve decided to rub salt in the wound.  Every week (until I forget/get bored/die from having my kidney removed), I will be choosing a website with a comment section, and sampling the best of the best, or the worst of the worst, depending on how you look at it.  It’s gonna be a blast!

This week’s subject: Guinness Book Of World Records (www.guinnessworldrecords.com).

I don’t know why the Guinness Book Of World Records has a comment section for every single record.  There are only so many ways to say “Huh, that’s interesting,” and move on with your life.  Nevertheless, it exists.

And it is WONDERFUL.  Take a look:

Record: World’s largest kidney stone

Comment:
“I ve a kidney stone of size 20.7 m.m. in right …..is there any medical treatment or surgical.plz advice…..”

Comment on the comment:
Even for someone seeking legitimate medical advice from vastly unqualified sources on the internet, this is definitely not the right way to do it.

Still, you have to wonder what kind of doctor told him the size of the stone, but didn’t cover options for treatment.  Thanks again, Obamacare!

Record: World’s oldest acrobatic salsa dancer (female)

Comment:
“Wtf wat if that was my grams.”

Comment on the comment:
If that were your Grandmother, I’m sure she would be just as ashamed of the familial connection as you.

Record: Most random objects memorized

Comment:
“you promised  me to help my daughter to improve her memory power, so please do favor to her. Thank you.”

Comment on the comment:
It’s worth noting that this was in response to a “Thank you” post from the record holder, which is in itself pretty confusing, because he was the very first person to comment, and who was he thanking, exactly?

Still, that’s not as fantastic as the commenter who seems to be trying to coerce a stranger into teaching useless parlor tricks to his daughter, and considers this to be a favor.  He also demanded that the guy with the record upload a file containing the list of all of the objects he memorized.  I guess he decided he was going to take his daughter’s training into his own hands, but if he’s using the exact list that set the record, doesn’t that negate the “random” aspect?

That’s all for this week; if I have to look at any more of these, I might just pop that kidney out and get it over with already.  If you know any other websites with horrible comment sections, let me know in…er…THIS comment section!

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About facetaco

Facetaco has a face and enjoys tacos. He is truly the voice of the people.
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35 Responses to Commentary Commentary: Guiness World Records

  1. I once stumbled across a knock-down, drag-out flame war on a knitting forum. A KNITTING FORUM. I don’t even knit–I was trying to find gift ideas for a friend who does, and instead got sucked into reading this insane thread where the commenters (who, judging by their avatars, were almost all women in their 50s and 60s) just ripped into each other about which stitches and patterns were superior or whatever. We, as a species, will truly lose our shit over anything.

  2. collin0truckasaurus says:

    Sometimes you have Life Comments Sections like when you tell a lady you like her dress and then she just starts talking and then tells you The Blacklist is the best show on TV which would be fine if she had LITERALLY never seen any other shows, but in fact this was mere seconds after she admitted to having seen True Detective.

    • I once helped a woman with a computer issue in a study lab once and she spent the next twenty minutes telling me about the email she was writing to Moby, and the time she met Moby, and the time she went to Moby’s tea shop in NYC. I had to get pretty rude to get her to stop. God help you, Moby.

    • i tended bar during the summer a few years back, and this is a very real circle of hell.

      this was also the same summer that The Hangover came out. i had to listen to SO MANY butcherings of the wolf pack speech from customers who wanted to buy me a shot. it got to the point where i would politely turn down a free drink (!!) from anyone who even LOOKED like they had that toast up their sleeve (though you would be surprised… that movie, a real zeitgeist).

      • hotspur says:

        Why was The Hangover so popular? It was so meh! One of life’s mysteries. But what an excellent tale.

        There is definitely an old-school notion that bartenders are great listeners with wisdom to dispense, and I learned they are instead regular people when I was 24. I’d been dating a girl for 18 months, my longest mess ever at that time, and finally it ended one dumb night. Instead of going home I went to a bar. It was a Tuesday and dead — no one else in the room. I told the bartender I just ended the 18-month thing. He said, “Don’t worry, you’ll get back together.” I said, No, I don’t want to get back; it’s just jarring to be single again is all. I thought he might say “Well, the thing about being single is…” or “A shock to the system like that is always…” But what he said was “Oh,” and then moved to the far side of the empty bar to avoid me completely.

        At the time, I was annoyed and actually hurt that he’d rather stare off into space than dispense wisdom. But that is because I was an idiot. Now, I completely get it.

    • Wallflower says:

      I have super short hair so I always get Life Comments sections about it like “I love your hair but I could never pull it off. My face is too fat.” Or “My husband hates short hair.” or “You look like Ellen Degeneres.” (my hair is dark brown)

      • taoreader says:

        I get the same kind of responses when I cut my hair short. “Your hair looks great, I wish I could wear mine that way!” or “I love short hair but my face is the wrong shape for it.” I don’t understand why women qualify their complements like that for short hair. And “My husband/boyfriend hates short hair.” So? Is it not *your* hair? I never ask my husband how I should cut my hair because I am a grown woman dammit.

        What’s this thing about face shape anyway? I think we’re a little brainwashed there.

        I had a stylist once (a man) who said the reason men like long hair on woman is because of porn. Argh. I don’t know if there’s any truth to this.

        Apparently I have strong feelings about this!

        /end rant

        • Wallflower says:

          THANK YOU! The husband thing always bothers me. Like, number one – I don’t care what YOUR husband thinks and number 2 your husband sounds like a controlling jerk! You know what my husband likes? Not having to wait 2 hours while I fix my hair and not having to listen to me bitch about what to do with my hair.

          It could be porn or it could be the whole caveman thing. You aren’t able to drag girls back to the cave by their hair if it’s not long enough.

          tl:dr – If you don’t like my hair shut up. If you do like it say “I love your hair!” or “Cute haircut!” and leave it at that.

        • taoreader says:

          Amen sister. Sounds like we’re the ones with the awesome husbands.

          Short hair BFFs 4eva 🙂

  3. Kate says:

    Amazon has some pretty imaginative comments on ridiculously priced items, like this one:http://www.amazon.com/Samsung-UN85S9-85-Inch-Ultra-120Hz/dp/B00CMEN95U

    • Oh man, those are great. “Take my advice and shop around, people. I bought a twelve-pack of these at Costco and saved a hundred grand.”

    • taoreader says:

      First of all, A FORTY THOUSAND DOLLAR TV??

      The first review so perfect:

      “My wife and I bought this after selling our daughter Amanda into white slavery. We actually got a refurbished. It’s missing the remote, but oh well– for $10K off, I can afford a universal, right? The picture is amazing. I’ve never seen the world with such clarity.

      Amanda, if you’re reading this, hang in there, honey! We’ll see you in a year.”

  4. Casey says:

    I look forward to more installments of this feature. Also, on a related note, I think this is legitimately one of the funniest things the Onion has ever produced. The “comment section” had me in tears: http://www.theonion.com/articles/news-website-refers-to-users-ceaseless-exchange-of,34211/

  5. Wallflower says:

    This is wonderful. I just got sucked into a comment thread on FB yesterday about breastfeeding (there was an article about a study that had found that breastfeeding may not be all it’s cracked up to be). If you ever want to see the most judgmental and/or horrific comments you’ll ever read, just go to anything that mentions breastfeeding. One person actually posted that her nipple was too big for her daughter’s tiny mouth so she couldn’t breastfeed. ….. …… She put that on FB!!!! With her name and profile photo for all to see!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can’t even.

    • Sota says:

      The things that my friends post on facebook about their children/pregnancies/etc is HORRIFYING. There is no longer any sort of filter at all. I wont even tell you how many people I have unfriended due to their inappropriately intimate posts.

      • Sota says:

        To clarify: By inimate i mean it in the “overshare” kind of sense. Those things are private conversation material…not facebook material.

    • hotspur says:

      Oh the breastfeeding wars are desperately weird and evil. For some people it is not enough to make a choice — that choice is holy and every woman who chooses differently must be assaulted as a blasphemous affront to Gaia Herself.

      SIDE BOOB STORY: I was once at a huge, dull gathering of a GF’s family and I wandered away to avoid people for a minute, and ended up wandering into a room where a woman was breastfeeding. There was no sign, there was no closed door, she was literally just around two corners out of sight from the main event. And boy was she pissed to see me! Like I guess she thought I barged in specifically to get a peek at her left boob? Like I’d hunted it down? “Must… glimpse… boob!” It was such an angry face I got. My own face was “innocent shock that there was anyone already in this room” and I apologized and left immediately. But she did not get over it, and we did not laugh about it later on. Plus it was the kind of family where it was definitely going to get mentioned behind my back and everyone was going to agree with whatever her version of events was. Ugh, lady, your boob meant zero to me, I have seen boobs before as I AM DATING YOUR ADULT NIECE WHO HAS TWO AND ALSO I HAVE INTERNET ACCESS.

      But yeah, some ladies get hella humorless about their boobs and breastfeeding. It is not for them a “you do you” zone.

      • hotspur says:

        Lemme add that I recognize that there’s some level of discomfort that goes for everyone involved (except the baby) where public breastfeeding is concerned because some people will not be cool with seeing it, which moms will be aware of, and some moms will be torn between an instinct for what is perfectly natural (breastfeeding) and also an instinct to not have a boob out in public (probably a learned instinct but not necessarily less strong than the natural one) and this paints a lot of people (moms & others) into a corner of startling tension and resentment, and different people will handle it differently. And me walking into that room turned what she’d hoped would be a private moment into a public-ish one. Sort of. But since I apologized and fled, it seemed weird that hours later she was icing me out at this family party. Like, she really could find no sense of humor to draw on to make this inconsequential accident okay, and that struck me then as odd and still does. (It probably did not help that the family opposed alcohol and everyone was just drinking iced tea. How does a family even work like that?) Anyway boobs can make people touchy.

        I didn’t meant to write so much about them today. Sorry.

        • Erika says:

          The worst is a dry holiday. I understand it if someone in the family is a recovering alcoholic, but I’ve been trapped at holiday events like that where the only explanation was just general teetotaling. NOT OKAY.

        • hotspur says:

          Yeah no they were just a teetotally family, no history of alcoholism. Southern and Baptisty. They genuinely believed wine to be evil and looked down on it. YOUR IDOL JESUS WAS ALL INTO WINE YOU CRAZIES, YOU CAN RELAX AND DRINK WINE.

    • Erika says:

      The difference between breastfeeding and not is basically a few IQ points and a fairly small lifelong health advantage. The main things I take away from that are: If a woman is having legitimate problems breastfeeding, it’s completely okay not to; It’s totally ridiculous to go to war about it and shame women who don’t do it.

  6. whatisabadger says:

    So, probably don’t do this for this column, but there was a twitter account that collected particularly ridiculous comments from porn sites (@bestporncomment).
    It pressed to give an actual suggestion (said nobody), I would try like, fanfiction community comments?

  7. Erika says:

    I strongly caution against you doing this with National Review Online, unless you want to lose all faith in humanity.

  8. Sergeant Tibbs says:

    This is going to be my WMOAT for Homeless Monsters, I can already tell.

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