The Tale of Ellen and Portia’s Haunted Mansion Adventure

AAAHHH! GHOST!!!! GHOST AT ELLEN DEGENERES’ HOUSE!!!

Ellen DeGeneres’s $40 Million Mansion Is Haunted (National Enquirer): “SPOOKY!” Uh-oh! “The talk show host has repeatedly been spooked by eerie noises and believes the home she shares with wife Portia de Rossi is haunted by its original owner, who died there in 2009. The house had been remodeled, so Ellen thought it would have no trace of the former owner. But she was wrong. Within a few nights of moving in, Ellen started hearing random noises, including footsteps and doors opening and closing.” I would watch this movie!!! “In the middle of the night, she heard a faint woman’s cry. Ellen is totally freaked out. She hasn’t had a solid night’s sleep since she moved in.” (via Grantland)

As far as haunted houses go, Ellen made some rookie mistakes here; everyone knows that absolutely, under no condition, do you remodel a potentially haunted house. From crazy richie rich mansion to tiny salt box on a farm somewhere do not ever change a ghosts house; you will make them cry at night when they think you’re asleep and you won’t hear them.

The best course of action when moving into a haunted house (maybe someone recently died there, maybe it’s just old as balls) is to not touch anything right away. Put all your furniture in storage and use the ghost’s existing furniture until it has a chance to warm up to you. Treat your ghost like the new roommate she is; talk to your ghost every day and leave a few doors open for her so she doesn’t have to slam things all time. After she has warmed up to you, casually mention that you’d like to replace a piece of furniture. I’d start with your own bed personally, but you should also take into account anything your ghost doesn’t seem to like herself and offer a few new options. Make it like a fun project! Negotiate a piece of furniture once or twice a week until you feel like you’re coming to an understanding before you start bringing up paint. Be aware that some of her things will have to live with you there until you move because it’s her house too. Also, make it a habit to invite her on outings with you and your wife Portia; it’s possible that becoming a ghost has made her something of a shut in and once she sees what’s out there she’ll want to spread her wings and haunt a studio downtown to start her new death in.

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23 Responses to The Tale of Ellen and Portia’s Haunted Mansion Adventure

  1. hotspur says:

    This is sound ghost-handling advice. I have also found that it helps to figure out what music they’re into.

  2. flanny says:

    Also, discuss favorite TV shows at the start, because otherwise you’ll be caught by surprise when the ghost turns on Dancing With The Stars.

    • Sota says:

      Ugh, i hope my ghost doesn’t want to watch DWTS. I wish my ghost could bring back ghost tv shows. I would love to be haunted by Happy Endings or The B in Apt 23.

  3. Kate says:

    So I don’t know if you guys remember my cousin’s “slightly haunted house” ad that got some attention a few months ago. He did not get any good offers yet, so he decided to rent it out to…..college students!!!! And that’s how you get back at an annoying ghost.

  4. Casey says:

    Why hasn’t there been a reality show about slippery politics of redecorating haunted houses yet?

    • hotspur says:

      Tonight on “Spirit of the House,” Bob and Carol tackle this haunted Cape Cod owned by Sara and Ted Blorgemann!
      “It’s got good walls, Ted.”
      “Well this is the hall with the cold spots, and once it threw a vase at Sara from that table.”
      “Okay, we’ll take it easy in the hall. No vases, and we want to try to match the original paint color. Carol?”
      “Yeah — look, Bob, my gosh, there’s so many layers. Originally a sort of ecru, seems? Let’s scrape down to that original layer, and I’ll bring a chip of it to the store to match.”
      “I think we can make your home beautiful, and I think we can do it in a way that makes both you and your haunting happy.”
      “Um, what if our ghost was the person who moved in after the ecru and hated it and was the person who changed the ecru to whatever the second layer is because she hated it so much? Will we experience even colder spots, and dangerous violence?”
      “Well, we’ll find out, Sara, we’ll find out. Carol, have a can of the second color ready to go too.”

  5. I was reading a thread where people were talking about their ghost experiences, because that’s always a good thing to do when you’re home alone at night, and this one woman said that when she was a kid she would see and feel this entity watching her in her room, especially at night, and she didn’t know what to do about it, so she WROTE IT A LETTER politely asking it to please stop being creepy, and left the letter face up on her bed before going down to dinner. When she went back upstairs, the letter was face down on her bed and the ghost never bothered her again.

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