You guys, I don’t know if you’ve heard but Aaron Carter is still pretty upset about his breakup with Hilary Duff. Which, I mean, fine, she’s a perfectly good-lookin’ gal and also very talented (clearly) and rich, and we’d all be lucky to date her. (I assume.) (I don’t know you.) (If you are dating someone cooler than Hilary Duff, good for you.) (NB: How’d you make that happen? I’m honestly asking for advice now.) But did you also know that they broke up over a decade ago and that that is way too long for one of the rap game’s brightest young talents to pine over a six-time Razzie nominee? TIL that, despite its glossy exterior, Aaron Carter’s life is filled with regrets.
Here’s the story. I hope you’re sitting down. Not because you’re going to faint when you hear this, but because sitting is just really nice. Very under-appreciated, sitting. I would give sitting an Oscar Award for Most Comfortable Way to Arrange Your Body When Awake. But that’s not my job. Academy, give me a call! I sit at the ready.
I assume you’re all familiar with Aaron and Hilary’s dating history. But in case not, all you basically need to know is that they started dating on his thirteenth birthday in 2000, that he “just got a little bored” after a year and a half so he broke up with her for Lindsay Lohan, and that when he “didn’t want to do that [ed.: Lindsay Lohan, “that”] anymore,” he “got back with Hilary. And then I ended up cheating on Hilary with her best friend.” (H/T: the best interviewer ever, 4serious, this person is the Rust Cohle of celebrity journalism.)
But how much can you really blame Aaron for cheating with a girl like Hilary’s best friend? She was no slouch herself, and you were emotionally torn between the two of them, which is understandable because you were only like 15 years old, and anyway the best friend was also a valuable, delightful, self-actualized person in her own right? Right, Aaron, that’s your story, now that you’ve had ten years to look back on it? No, of course, not. She “wasn’t even that good looking, either,” he says. Well, all right. Ain’t nobody do it like Aaron can.
So, you can see why maybe Hilary wanted nothing to do with Aaron for the past decade. Which is obviously why, last week, after Hilary broke up with her hockey-playing boyfriend, Mike Comrie of the Edmonton Oilers, a Canadian born on September 11 (horrible, no-good news, that Mike Comrie), Aaron tweeted: “I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to better myself to get back to her. I don’t care what ANY of you think.” Ahhhhahaha. Aaron Carter doesn’t care what we think, guys. We were all like “no, Aaron Carter, person who was vaguely famous in 2000 for being the younger brother of an actual famous person, don’t try to better yourself, we wouldn’t wish that on the world,” and he was like “I don’t care. I’m doing it anyway,” and we were like “then why did you even invite us into this conversation? Did you know that you’re allowed to keep your thoughts to yourself whenever you want?” and he was like “please RT.”
So, I think we have enough evidence to diagnose the basic problem here. And keep in mind I’m sure Aaron Carter has plenty of other, bigger problems that we are completely unable to ascertain from an interview and a tweet, but at the very least this one issue seems impossible to ignore: Aaron Carter has no impulse control. Aaron Carter comes up with ideas (making out with anyone he wants to, throwing the party of the year just because his parents are at a show for the evening and ARE COMING HOME IN LIKE AN HOUR, you little twerp (this song makes no freaking sense), volunteering his own infidelity in a PR interview, being untalented) and he enacts those ideas without any critical introspection. The threshold for Aaron Carter doing something is: Would doing this be less boring than not doing it? There are no other guiding principles; no appreciating what he has; no planning for the future; no cares in the world aside from entertaining himself in the moment. And that is how you end up ten years older with a closet full of regrets and nobody left to love.
Because if you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for anyone. Or maybe you’ll sit for anything. I haven’t thought about it very much.