Commentary Commentary: Modern Alternative Mama

For those of you that don’t know, by the time this post is up, I’ll be in the hospital, getting my kidney drained so they can go in and laser-blast my big-ass kidney stone tomorrow. It’s not as exciting as it sounds, believe me. But in the spirit of this occasion, I intended to celebrate by mocking those who comment on alternative medicine websites. What’s more fun than making fun of dirty hippies?!

But in the process, something amazing happened: I found something more fun than making fun of dirty hippies! Making fun of dirty hippies who are also mothers, and that is basically their entire lives!

It’s really the perfect storm of fanatical opinions. The alternative medicine types are very insistent on keeping the public in poor health, and internet mommies are the undisputed champions of arguing about subjects that nobody else cares about. I mean, maybe Armond White is endorsing people installing car seats incorrectly and feeding babies formula, but for the most part, it’s a very vocal, very one-sided debate.

To be honest, I’m mostly posting these to try to drum up publicity for our little corner of the internet here. I think I should already be hitting most of the Google Alerts that Babycenter recommends expentant mothers set up during the 3rd trimester, but just in case I missed anything, #formulaisyummy #gmosmakebabiesstrong #noteverychildisspecial #frontfacingcarseatsarepreferable

Monday Health & Wellness: Why the Anti-Vaccine Movement Exists

“Good article! I’m glad you posted such an article. There are a ton of misconceptions out there about people/families that don’t vaccinate. There are so many misconceptions in some areas it is *extremely* difficult to find a practitioner (if you want one) that will even consider the notion of seeing a family/child that doesn’t adhere to vaccinations. Even then, it may be that the topic of vaccinations are brought up at every.single.visit. Either way, people/families do have choices, yet it can be difficult, time-consuming, and frustrating to “go against the grain” and sometimes that is why people don’t act or research their options. To me, this is also a sad reality…”

Comment on the Comment:
I can definitely sympathize with how difficult it is to find a doctor who is not concerned about keeping your child healthy. I’m really glad that this article exists, to convince them that the decade they spent studying medicine was a wasted effort, and only filled their brains with terrible, life-saving LIES.

Six Car Seat Errors I’d Approach a Complete Stranger About

“I love that you posted this! I don’t agree that the way you use a car seat is a parenting choice! How ridiculous! Yes, it is black and white! I have a HUGE pet peeve when I see friends of mine with the infant seats chest buckles down at their bellies, and the straps wrapped around the outsides of the shoulders instead of over the top. I used to say something but now I just reach over and move it, innocently assuming that the parent just didn’t realize it was like that! If they catch me, they usually shrug it off like it doesn’t really matter. The chest buckle should be at the armpits, NO lower! Drives me nuts!!
I will say, though, that my kids are tall, and no one makes a harnessed seat that any one of my kids could be in past about 3.5 yo. I kept my daughter in hers until way past the “safety zone” of having the top of the shoulder harness 1 inch below her shoulders (according to the car seat manufacturer)
She does occasionally fall asleep in the car (she’s now 4.5) but remains upright because we slightly tip her seat back.
Great post! Keep up the good work!!”

Comment on the Comment:
People DO realize that words can be erased before a comment is posted, right? Or just not written at all? Like, if you’re going to admit to manhandling another person’s children because they weren’t following the guidelines precisely, you don’t HAVE to follow that up by admitting that you ALSO don’t follow those guidelines! You can just stop after the first sentence, and just seem like a judgemental asshole instead of a HYPOCRITICAL judgemental asshole.

Problems with Whole Foods and other Health Food Stores

“I shop at WF weekly (for less items every year as I find more local sources and eat more true whole foods) and I hear the workers giving out health advice. I want to interrupt and say NO! This is not right! the CEO is giving out his personal diet not well researched, true “whole food” advice! They heavily promote the China Study. My son, at age 5, asks every week if we can write a comment. The comment he wants to write, “how come the store is called “Whole Foods” when you don’t sell very much whole food”? He gets so tired of seeing something that looks good and being told no, bad ingredients. We have been soy of any type and of any amount free and canola oil free for over 15 yrs. We are also strict on possible GMOs and grain feed dairy/beef. We don’t even chance soy feed eggs. So, we do buy just ingredients at Whole Foods with occasional meat, rare yogurt … and occasionally soy free chocolate – hey, I am not perfectly self controlled!”

Comment on the Comment:
Give it 10 years; that kid is going to have much stronger comments, and by that point I doubt he’ll be blaming Whole Foods for his bland upbringing.


In looking for a site to write about, I found Thinking Mom’s Revolution, which is similar to Modern Alternative Mama, except with the superiority complex cranked up to 11 and only focusing on making sure that children all over the world are not vulnerable to any and all diseases. Frankly, it made me too mad to do an entire post on that one site, but I’d be remiss if I didn’t at least make fun of them a LITTLE bit!

Autism RECOVERY: I’ll Say It Loud, He’s Recovered and I’m Proud

“Do you have suggestions for talking about biomed and progress without making the non-biomed parent feel bad about not doing enough? I’ve mentioned my son’s progress to several parents and they’ve all become defensive. I’ve told our story, gave specific examples of progress (removed dairy and my son came out of a fog), referred to TACA, to ARI, biomed books, etc. Maybe I am just not a good advocate but it breaks my heart that their kids don’t have a chance.”

Comment On The Comment:
You know what parents REALLY aren’t doing enough? THE ONES WHO DON’T GET THEIR CHILDREN VACCINATED! Those other parents probably don’t get defensive because they don’t think they’re doing enough! Call me crazy, but I’d be willing to bet it has something to do with the fact that you’re claiming to have treated a condition that science cannot correct by limiting his cheese intake.

Also, I’m REALLY not getting the mixed message from these people. Don’t get your children vaccinates, because it will cause autism, which is also totally curable?

As always, leave any suggestions for future posts in the comments. And don’t worry about the future of this column; I’m requesting that, should the surgery not go well, I be involved in the Robocop program, so I should still be able to continue this into the forseeable future. I’ll make sure they include it as a Prime Directive.

About facetaco

Facetaco has a face and enjoys tacos. He is truly the voice of the people.
This entry was posted in Uncategorized and tagged . Bookmark the permalink.

30 Responses to Commentary Commentary: Modern Alternative Mama

  1. Get well soon, facetaco! Maybe stop eating cheese, just to be safe.

    • collin0truckasaurus says:

      Yeah, I think we can all agree that if you only ate WHOLE foods (and not that GARBAGE at SO-CALLED “Whole” Foods) you wouldn’t have kidney stones! Also I’m guessing you were vaccinated? Yep. I can see your problem right there.

      But seriously, get well soon!

    • gnidrah says:

      Good luck with the op! I had kidney stones, they are a bitch. When I could FIND a doctor to see me, they went down a list of things I might have eaten/drunk including chocolate, strawberries and tea, so to avoid the stones, avoid teh foodz.

  2. collin0truckasaurus says:

    Truth: not every child is special. #sorryi’mnotsorry

    Also to the parent of the 5 year old who only feeds him “whole” food: you better plan to homeschool him until he’s 22 cause once he makes friends and discovers all that other stuff out there, all bets are off.

    I love this game…frankly I’m amazed there aren’t more trolls on these websites.

  3. I am so relieved that these women have found a community where they can be annoying and superior at each other instead of annoying the rest of the world.

    You have to wonder if that mom is onto something though. Just imagine that 5-year-old’s teenage rebellion. He’s going to be staying out late, eating fast food and trying to scrub the Doritos dye off his fingers before his mom sees. Maybe this is all a clever ruse to keep her kid off drugs.

    • collin0truckasaurus says:

      Yes but the kids I knew in college who were the most interested in all the drugs and the most intense drugs were definitely the ones with the most strict parents, so that plan could totally backfire.

  4. gnidrah says:

    Parenting websites are very very good fodder, may I suggest the ‘Am I Being Unreasonable?’ section of Mumsnet? The answer is almost always ‘yes you are’, but there are some exceptional comments along the way.

  5. old man fatima says:

    I was at a party once where someone announced she hadn’t and wouldn’t vaccinate her daughter, and the whole place just went silent. She launched into a speech about how her neighbour’s cat had had it’s shots and got cancer, but her cat hadn’t and was healthy, so CASE FUCKING CLOSED. I guess they just forgot to vaccinate the cat against cancer? Silly cat owners. Also, I would fucking hope that you aren’t basing your child care routine on your cat. “She lays on the couch for 22 hours, barely moving, and I feed her dry food with a bowl of tuna-can water twice a day, and wrap her in a towel to clip her toenails. So she’s doing pretty good, yeah.” Fuck you, lady.

    • collin0truckasaurus says:

      I wait until my cat is sleepy and thus docile to clip his toenails. It only lets me clip around 30% of all toenails on any given session. It’s actually a terrible strategy because at any given moment he’s 40% sharp, 30% dull, and 30% sharp from just being clipped.

    • When I establish myself as Benevolent Dictator of Earth, people will have to pass a test before they can procreate. It will be almost 100% based on pure common sense and basic empathy, and they can keep studying and taking it as many times as they need, but they have to pass. Until then, it’s birth control pancakes for breakfast every day.

    • Commentatrix says:

      My dog won’t even let me touch his toenails without pulling away and growling/biting at me. One time he sunk his tiny little fang into my very flesh! So if we could turn this comment thread into a “tips for successfully clipping the toenails of neurotic/aggressive pets,” that would be appreciated. Tell me more about this towel wrapping thing?

      • old man fatima says:

        Oh, I take my dog to the pros. I’m not going to fuck around with that. My cat actually doesn’t need to be wrapped, he’s happy to just sit on me and I can do pretty much whatever I like. The first time I did it I was super nervous and googled it, and they say to wrap them in a towel with just one paw poking out at a time so they can’t squirm away.

      • Erika says:

        Maybe invest in those leather gloves raptor handlers use? That’s all I got.

        My dearly departed cat whom I had to wrap in a towel to administer her medicine (I wish someone would invent a cat straight-jacket) went to the pros for nail clipping. I have my limits.

    • Erika says:

      Isn’t there a vaccine for feline leukemia? So this woman doesn’t want her cat to get cancer, but she’s okay with it getting leukemia?

      Also, a cat can be protected from diseases by not letting it outside or letting it interact with other pets. It’s a little hard to do that with a child.

      • old man fatima says:

        This one didn’t believe in vaccines, period. I just thought it was funny that she was like “my neighbour gave her cat a rabies shot, and it still got cancer, therefore shots are useless”. Flawless logic.

  6. Molly Price says:

    “Call me crazy, but I’d be willing to bet it has something to do with the fact that you’re claiming to have treated a condition that science cannot correct by limiting his cheese intake.”

    I legit lol’d.

  7. Sota says:

    A former boss once gifted me with this prime bit of information in order to help me deal with parents of students I would encounter in that job…

    “You need a license to cut hair. You need a license to cut a dog’s hair, but any asshole can have a kid.”

    Basically I keep coming back to it to explain crazy irrational behavior across the board. (I’m looking at you facebook friends who post photos of your children’s bowel movements. UNFRIEND.)

    • Erika says:

      A lot of licensing that doesn’t involve public safety and health is an attempt to preserve existing businesses. Getting a bad haircut isn’t really a good reason to require a license and specialized training for cutting hair; local governments often institute those kinds of laws because hairstylists and barbers want less competition.

      So I guess what I’m trying to say is: I don’t think there are any parents out there worried about the competition.

  8. msmessica says:

    OH GOD IN HEAVEN NO NOT SOY FREE CHOCOLATE. If you can’t even truly restrict yourself from soy-free chocolate completely, how will you pass your undiagnosed eating disorder on to your apparently genius parrot five year old son?

    (A request for you to maybe check out The Kitchn? Anything that mentions a microwave or any cooking means not used by pioneers should do it. Good luck on your surgery!)

  9. Erika says:

    I don’t know. I have to agree to some extent about Whole Foods. The vast majority of what they sell is not good for you, but there isn’t as much money in organic broccoli as organic chocolate cake.

Comments are closed.