Michael Bay’s remaking The Birds, you guys!

Who doesn’t like a good remake? Isn’t it great when a current director decides to take on a classic?

I mean, there’ve been several successful remakes of European or Japanese horror films, like The Ring and Let The Right One In. Cape Fear was OK, wasn’t it?

But now there’s this:

“The Birds, that quietly haunting horror classic from Alfred Hitchcock, is to get a Hollywood remake from Transformers director Michael Bay’s Platinum Dunes production company.”

 photo Birdsfilmposter_zps2850dab2.jpgMy face, upon hearing this news.

Well, that sounds like a great idea, doesn’t it? I know we’ve discussed my love of Hitchcock films via Tumnus’s wonderful review of ‘Vertigo’, but ‘The Birds’ is right up there for me. It’s a subtly terrifying tale of a woman, played by Tippi Hedren, who follows her boyfriend back to his quiet town and suddenly finds herself plagued by vicious bird attacks.

 photo michael-bay-set-for-transformers-4-74035-00-470-75_zps746af2cd.jpg

Far be it from me to suggest Michael Bay, the man who gave us such classics as Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, can’t do subtlety. I can’t believe he won’t already have all the ideas down, but in case he doesn’t, I think we need to come up with some suggestions. Here’s a few to get things started:

  • Tiny guns for all the birds
  • Birds actually robots
  • Lead actress actually an underwear model
  • Explosion at the beginning
  • Explosion in the middle
  • Explosion at the end

 photo tippi_2431543b_zps405d23e5.jpg

If I were being fair, I would note that his production company has made some semi-decent horror reboots over the past few years. But I’m not being fair, so let’s leave the last word to Tippi Hedren, who’s fucking NAILED IT:

“Why would you do that? Why?”

No further questions, your honour.

About gnidrah

Television, books, music, sports, cooking. I only get paid for one of them. (Update: two of them!)
This entry was posted in Movies, Uncategorized and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

29 Responses to Michael Bay’s remaking The Birds, you guys!

  1. hotspur says:

    I’m not sure “quietly haunting” is a good way to describe The Birds. I might go with “starkly terrifying.”

    Gosh I hope this remake does not happen. Like how every so often they talk about a Casablanca remake and I get douche chills. Even if it isn’t awful, it would be a travesty — plus, it will be awful.

    Hollywood, why don’t you remake the half-good movies? The ones that have room for improvement? No one is going to look at Hayden Panetierre being chased through Times Square by a cloud of CGI extraterrestrial birds (seems like four safe assumptions right there) and think: Such an improvement.

    • gnidrah says:

      Yeah that’s the Guardian going with “quietly haunting”. I’d’ve gone for “will leave you unable to leave the house or look at anything with wings for months if not years”. Quite like the Panettiere idea though… copyright that…

  2. old man fatima says:

    That scene with the birds in the tree? Where she looks and there are a few and it’s really scary, and then she looks again and it’s FULL of birds??? Get right out, so spooky! Let’s hope Michael Bay’s birdlike alien robots can provide the same level of tension.

  3. Sota says:

    Maybe the birds are secretly tiny little Amazon drones dropping off a thousand Amazon prime packages?

  4. Oh the other hand, Hitchcock was a creepy perv who ruined Tippi Hedren’s career because she wouldn’t sleep with him, and Bay’s a creepy perv who (allegedly) tried to ruin Megan Fox’s career because SHE wouldn’t sleep with him, so, in that way–the creepy perv way–it kind of fits.

  5. marlasinger says:

    mbay is the worst.

  6. Simon Spidermonk says:

    Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2: The Birds. Tagline: Who’s oozed now? (The Birds).

  7. Casey says:

    Imagine a whole movie like this, except the birds will be walking away from the gas station in slow motion: http://youtu.be/IdOF7xg5lug?t=1m

  8. Okay, building on the idea that the birds are robots with tiny guns: they also explode on impact (gotta have as many explosions as possible). They can join together Voltron-like to make a giant bird (maybe market a line of toys based on this? Some sort of Angry Birds cross promotion?). Also, Hayden Panetierre can work at something like a Tilted Kilt or Hooters; that’ll provide at least a flimsy justification for the skimpy clothes she’ll be wearing anyway, and there’s more of that sweet product placement money!

  9. Erika says:

    This is a big “meh” for me. The Birds is my third most disliked Hitchcock film after Marnie and Frenzy.

    • hotspur says:

      Have you seen Rebecca? I feel like you have to dislike Rebecca more, too.

      • Erika says:

        I like Rebecca for what it is, but I also don’t think of it as a Hitchcock film since it was based on a book and doesn’t feel very Hitchcock-y. I usually forget he directed it.

  10. I thought they already did remake Birds?

    • gnidrah says:

      Too great. The sound effects in particular. Fuck Hitchcock .If I’d known coat hangers were the solution…

  11. No no no no, everyone is getting it wrong. Michael Bay is making an ANGRY Birds movie, not a BIRDS movie. Clearly that is the only possibility.

  12. pickpocket says:

    INT. GAS STATION. “What’s going on, some stuff is happening out there maybe?”
    EXT. GAS STATION. Two dark figures approach from the skies. They are TONY HAWK and JACK SPARROW. “Let’s do this.”
    POV. HAWK and SPARROW dive toward gas station. BIG EXPLOSION. FIRE.
    INT. GAS STATION. “Did anyone see what happened? Was it birds?”

Comments are closed.