A Very Respectful Post about Gwyneth & Chris’ Divorce

The lord giveth us a Mila/Ashton baby, the lord taketh away a Gwyenth/Chris marriage. From E!:

The two made the announcement on the actress’ website, Goop, with a post titled, “Conscious Uncoupling.”

Their statement read, “It is with hearts full of sadness that we have decided to separate. We have been working hard for well over a year, some of it together, some of it separated, to see what might have been possible between us, and we have come to the conclusion that while we love each other very much we will remain separate.”

It’s always very sad when two people who thought they would be together forever end up not being together forever, but at least the rest of us can take some comfort in the knowledge that our heartache will never be announced via something called GOOP.

I think this video is appropriate. Let’s all sit and watch it on repeat and cry, like I did back in 2003 or whenever it first came out.

About flanny

Flanny was born and raised in a Detroit suburb, but tells people she's from Detroit without clarification because it makes her sound tough. She is not tough. Her favorite member of One Direction is Louis Tomlinson, and her favorite Agatha Christie detectives are Tommy and Tuppence.
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25 Responses to A Very Respectful Post about Gwyneth & Chris’ Divorce

  1. I’m kind of sad, for real! I’ve always found both of them totally obnoxious, but they’ve been together for such a long time, especially for celebrities.

    • Sota says:

      I think it is kind of wonderful when two of the most obnoxious ones get together because it just makes so much sense. Their singular terribleness is almost minimized by their ability to find someone else with the same amount of terrible. (See also: Kim & Kanye)

  2. FRQ says:

    Divorce is a painful and personal experience that I would never mock, but titling your post “Conscious Uncoupling” makes it incredibly difficult.

    • flanny says:

      I know! I chose to ignore the details and just focus on the basic, basic facts.

    • You’re not going to get invited to the post-uncoupling yoga retreat with that attitude.

    • collin0truckasaurus says:

      They even have to be pretentious assholes in their divorce announcement.

    • Wallflower says:

      Is a “conscious uncoupling” better or worse than an “unconscious coupling” (which is what I will now be calling drunken one-night stands which I have never or will never have so I don’t know when I’d get to use the phrase but I’m hanging on to it just in case)?

    • hotspur says:

      I feel like this news was genuinely shocking until I saw what they titled it. Then I thought, “Of course, yes, naturally, who could be surprised.”

  3. flanny says:

    Uggg, The Scientist just came up on my Pandora. What a song!

  4. catweazle says:

    Total missed opportunity to not start their announcement with “We have some GOOP news and some bad news.”

  5. Casey says:

    I would love to see their brainstorm notes and all of the rejected phrases before “conscious uncoupling” was circled and underlined three times.

  6. I actually kinda like Coldplay (pre-Mylo Xyloto, of course). :/

    • flanny says:

      The Scientist was, for some reason, an important song to me when I was in college, and I associate a lot of their music with good memories and people I love. This is also why I can never really hate Maroon 5, because I basically listened to Songs About Jane non-stop for my entire senior year.

      • “Harder to Breathe” is an all-time banger. At least in relation to the worst case scenario (Kings of Leon), I for one am grateful that Coldplay have resisted total self-abnegation as much as they have!

    • I totally like Coldplay. And “Yellow” is playing on my Pandora station at this very moment.

      • hotspur says:

        Coldplay is terrible! And yet I really like their last single, the one about how he used to be emperor and now he just sweeps up? Livin’ La Vida? Something. I can’t tell if I should hate it as much as Yellow because I really like it.

        Also I recognize that true fans are probably like “Oof, by then they’d totally sold out, you nitwit.” If so I have no rejoinder. I will take my lumps.

        • Commentatrix says:

          My favorite album is Rush of Blood, but I won’t lie, I have at one point looked up the lyrics to Viva la Vida, the better to jam out in my car with!

  7. since i’m not going to clown on anyone getting divoced, i’m going to rip into that music video instead. i kind of hate everything about it. it’s like someone said “hey i want to rip off Spike Jonze & The Pharcyde’s Drop but let’s make it less fun, throw in what is basically some stock footage of a basketball game, slap on a terrible twist ending, and ultimately detract from the song as a whole.” it boggles my mind that THAT is what they paired with such a successful, pretty pop tune.

    also, 1) how did her body get flung from the car? calling OBVIOUS bullshit on those physics. and 2) who PUTS THEIR JACKET ON once they’re in the car?

  8. Commentatrix says:

    This actually does bum me out, because I thought if anyone had the secret to a successful marriage, it would be the creator of Goop. Now it’s like I almost regret buying that 2 thousand-dollar soup ladle in the first place. I can only hope that Apple and Moses have gotten an adequate “it’s not your fault” speech on this sad morning.

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