Wondering what’s in the stars for you this weekend? Wonder no more, because here I am with this weekend’s Flanoscopes. They’re like horoscopes, but they sound like a medical device!
Aries: March 21-April 20
OMG, it might be your birthday!! Or it’s coming up!! Or it just happened!! Happy birthday, Aries! Live it up this weekend. When you end up at a bar dancing on a table and everyone’s looking at you weird, just scream, “It’s my birthday!” and everyone will cheer and buy you drinks and it won’t be embarrassing.
Taurus: April 21-May 20
You know that dip that you used to make in college? With the canned chili and the cream cheese? And now that you’re an adult you feel silly eating that because you have a mortgage and try to eat organically and that dip is just the most processed thing? You should make that this weekend. Uggg, it’s so tasty!
Gemini: May 21-June 20
With spring finally springing, it’s time to put a little attention towards your garden, Gemini. Let yourself relax and daydream while you plant some bulbs and you’ll be surprised at what blooms in a few weeks! (Spoiler alert: flowers.)
Cancer: June 21-July 20
Expect to spend a lot of time drinking wine straight from the bottle and then using the empty bottle as a microphone into which you lip-sync to U2.
Leo: July 21-August 20
This is a great weekend to make a big purchase, Leo. That plasma TV you’ve had your eye on would be a great addition to your already super-fancy living room. Speaking of your living room, where did you get those throw pillows? They’re really cute! Huh, I did not know they sold homegoods there! No, I haven’t been spying on you I have to go now bye.
Virgo: August 21-September 20
Make me a sandwich.
Libra: September 21-October 20
Did you get a haircut recently, Libra? You look great. Really fresh and hip and young. Not that being young is so great, mind you. We’ve all made mistakes in our youth we’d rather not think about, like that haircut you got freshman year when you were trying to impress that punk guy in your sociology class. But, I mean, this haircut is a lot better.
Scorpio: October 21-November 20
This is going to be a really great weekend for love, Scorpio, but what weekend isn’t for you? You’re always doin’ it. Geez. You know what? Maybe try keeping it in your pants for once.
Sagittarius: November 21-December 20
This weekend is a great weekend for a party, and you should throw it, Sagittarius! You’re a great host, always with the best iTunes playlists and the way you make everyone feel welcome. You have a lot of different friends from different parts of your life and you’re really good at melding all these groups together. This party sounds great. Can I come?
Capricorn: December 21-January 20
Oh sigh, Capricorn, you’re probably going to spend the weekend doing something practical, like deep-cleaning your bathroom. Hold on, did you make a list of Things To Do This Weekend? Come on, Cap. And the first thing on the list is ‘Dust the ceiling fan’?!?? Capricorn, you disappoint me again and again. Why don’t you eff-ing loosen up?
Aquarius: January 21-February 20
You are TOO loose, Aquarius. You don’t even have a To-Do list. You just have a post-it with the words “Hug a bunny” scrawled on it in pink glitter glue. That does sound fun, though.
Pisces: February 21-March 20
Oh man, I’m sorry, Pisces, but I’m really tired out from being psychic for the other eleven star signs. Maybe, this weekend, ummm, there will be love? Or not? A miscommunication? I dunno. Maybe just get something from Redbox and stay in.
*Flanny is not a psychic and does not necessarily believe in psychics or astrology, but she reads her own horoscope every day just in case.*