Important Informartion on the Cereal Content of Heaven

If you’ve been keeping an eye on movies you may have seen the trailer for the upcoming Greg Kinnear vehicle Heaven is for Real; the true story of a four year old boy named Colton Burpo who briefly died an went to Heaven, like you do, based on book of same title. Over the weekend Colton, now 11, started a twitter account to spread his experience to the people, check in with fans, and post to the sponsored #HeavenIsForRealMovie hashtag. Along with such revelations (ha! Get it?) as, “Even in heaven, the wounds of Jesus bleed. They forever bleed,” (oof) and, “Mom says I came back different,” (you think?) Colton dispensed some light-hearted facts such as this:

Every cereal! Okay, that is a big claim. I have some questions and I assume all of you do too.

1. Was this just something Jesus told you when you met him? Or is this a claim you independently verified?
2. If you saw this with your own eyes, you were four at the time; how did you even know every cereal? I’m 30 and I don’t think I know every cereal, and I was young in the eighties when the greatest number of vanity cereals were available to me. In death, do we have omnipotent knowledge of all cereal?
3. If Jesus told you this, how does he know all the cereals when he’s been dead for so long? Is he imbued with all knowledge of cereal or is he just passing along what he’s heard and you’re all just trumping up a cupboard with a couple of boxes of sugar smacks in it?
4. Do they have Barbie or Mr. T cereal? Do they have Donkey Kong Crunch? Does “every cereal” mean every cereal product ever produced? If I get to heaven, can I have a bowl of Donkey Kong Crunch as a reward or are they only stocking cereals currently in production? And if the latter can you really say that such a place is Heaven?
5. If they have every cereal, are they also stocking the truly awful bran cereals that no one wants? Isn’t that wasteful? Are people eating those, and can anyone who would really get into Heaven?
6. Is the cereal in those tubes with the levers that you put your bowl under and pull like they have in college cafeterias? Those are awesome.
7. Is there a milk dispenser of some kind? Is it a fountain? Is there soy and almond, or I guess lactose intolerance isn’t a thing in Heaven?
8. Did Jesus tell you his favorite cereal? Is it Donkey Kong Crunch?

These are obviously big questions, you may need time to think about them. Do you have anything else to tell us in the meantime Colton?

Thanks!

*Full Disclosure: This account is unverified and could very well be fake. It is difficult to tell and when I googled to see if anyone knew (no one seems to be claiming it is) I learned that the book claims Colton rode a rainbow horse with Jesus and that is not a joke. If a horse of every color is on the table, I say we still have our fun because these are important theological questions anyway.

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35 Responses to Important Informartion on the Cereal Content of Heaven

  1. I didn’t realize that Greg Kinnear had fallen on such hard times.

  2. FRQ says:

    Wrong. I like those bran cereals. After all the volunteering and charitable donations I’ve given, I better find some Cracklin’ Oat Bran when I get up there.

    • catweazle says:

      I don’t know if Cracklin’ Oat Bran counts as one of those bran cereals because it’s super sugary. Which makes it the best and I love it!

  3. I love this post and I love that we’re making fun of cereals! Here’s my question: Are the cereals listed by their current names or their original names? Basically every cereal that is around today that was also around in the 60s & 70s used to have Sugar in front of their current names. Sugar Frosted Flakes, Sugar Smacks, etc. I just want to know how Heaven names all the cereals.

  4. Can we circle back to this little liar riding a rainbow horse with Jesus?

  5. So I have a LOT of problems with this movie. I know we’re all having fun and we are talking cereals here, but this movie really really bothers me and although the situation is not EXACTLY the same, Stan Marsh (of South Park fame) pretty much says it best: “The big questions in life are tough: why are we here? Where are we from? Where are we going? But if people believe in asshole douchy liars like you they’re never going to find the real answers to those questions. You aren’t just lying. You’re slowing down the progress of all mankind – you – douche.” In context, he’s talking to John Edwards (that douche who claimed to talk to dead people), and obviously I’m not calling a 4-year-old boy a douche (but I’m not NOT calling him that…), I’m calling the adults who made this movie a bunch of douches. I don’t know if heaven is real or not, there’s no way I can claim that at all! But one thing I know FOR SURE is that those douches don’t know for sure either, so this isn’t a religious movie, this is a movie about one thing: making MONEY. So everyone making this movie is basically Cartman in the Faith + One episode.
    Lots of South Park in this rant…

    • I just love how adults are willing to take a child’s word as truth as long as it conveniently aligns with what they already believe and want to hear.

      I actually feel bad for the kid, because he obviously figured out that he could get a ton of positive attention by making this stuff up–which is a pretty normal 4-year-old thing to do–and now he’s either been coaxed into believing his own hype, or has to keep faking it so he doesn’t piss everyone off.

      • EXACTLY!!! That’s perfectly it. Like, maybe this kid did see something like Heaven and maybe it was a dream and maybe it wasn’t, but no part of that should translate to this…he’s just a kid!

  6. old man fatima says:

    Is it only commercially produced cereals, or are we getting home made toasted granolas and whatnot as well? Does it have to be sold to at least one person not in your immediate circle of family and friends to get into heaven? What if my ideal cereal hasn’t yet been invented, can I also receive future cereals? Is time linear in heaven, or do all time periods exist at once, and the same question again but this time specifically in regards to breakfast cereal? Does oatmeal count as cereal and can I have anything I like on it, or only what’s available in those single-serve instant packets?

  7. pickpocket says:

    Colton Burpo now tours with a Christian rock band. Normally I would be skeptical of his story, but this kid has clearly had some singing lessons from the angels. Heaven is for real and it’s a place on earth, front row at Burporoo singing along

  8. artdorkgirl says:

    1) Do we know if every kind of cereal also includes the generic grocery store brands? Or is it brand name labels only in heaven?

    2) If your last name was Burpo and you met Jesus, wouldn’t you ask him to change your name?

    No joke though, this kid is going to be so screwed up when he gets older…

  9. Simon Spidermonk says:

    I’m afraid that Colton Burpo misspoke. It’s not like there’s a giant tower of cereal in Heaven; rather, when one dies, one is gifted with a Knowledge of All Cereals, and Heaven has the power to manifest whatever cereal you desire. It should be noted that this is the only area in which Man is gifted with Omniscience, for if we knew all, there would be nothing separating us from the Godhead, and the Governance of the Seven Heavens would descend into anarchy. (The Cherubim are one rung above Man in the Omniscience department, in that their Knowledge includes both Cereal and Dishwashing Liquids, while the Seraphim are one rung higher still, as they encompass in their being the Infinite Lore of Cereal, Dishwashing Liquids, and Toothpaste.) This explains how Colton Burpo knows how the world ends. During his brief out-of-body excursion, he merely looked forward to which cereal was most popular at the End of Days and, seeing that it was Sugary Boiling Ocean-O’s, posited that runaway global warming was the most likely cause of the Earth’s demise.

    I hope that these answers have cleared up your some of your confusion, and that they will help you find safe passage through this Test of your Faith. Also, Jesus loves all cereals equally.

  10. Casey says:

    Even Product 19? If so, I’m in. Show me to the baptismal dunking booth. Let’s do this, God!!!

  11. Casey says:

    Also, will there be Sugar Frosted Colton Burp-O’s, a cereal that I just made up?

  12. hotspur says:

    ALL CEREALS! So heaven is like that beer company that reverse-engineers all the beers ever made by analyzing pottery shards so you can drink Midas Touch from Ancient Greece, etc. Neat! We can go to heaven and tell God, “I want the exact same breakfast Hercules had the morning he started the Tasks,” or “I want Caesar’s last breakfast AND as a side I want Brutus’s that day.”

    Or maybe you can only eat Christian breakfasts. Maybe you have to go to Hell to eat Hercules’s pagan-ass breakfast. And then they probably feed it to you with a bellows, or through an iron straw they stab into your lung.

    “Help, I’m drowning on Hercules’ eggs and my own blood, and there’s turds mixed in!” — You in Hell

    “Yay, I’m eating Quisp in Heaven forever, using a spoon made of clouds!” — Colton Burpo

    • Casey says:

      Colton *would* be eating Quisp: the Breakfast of False Prophets.

      • hotspur says:

        Oh yikes, how did I forget my Scripture?? “Lo, in those days there descended upon the land many false prophets, who were known by the shortness of their beards; and they spoke lies at all the temple doors, tempting the weak-willed away from THE LORD and toward the cereals Graham Crackoes, Quisp, and Boo-Berry” Zamboni 12:8-9.

  13. flanny says:

    Does anyone else always scream the title of this book/movie when they read it? “Heaven is for REAL!!!!!!!” I wish I could use all the possible font extras like underlining and bolding and italics and rainbow colors and blinking to show that the “real” is super loud and screechy and that my eyes are popped big and crazy. Heaven is for REAL!!!!!!!

  14. Erika says:

    My boyfriend last night downloaded a 12-year-old kid’s Roku channel and forced me to watch a few episodes. The animation was horrible, the sound effects even worse. It was terrible even by 12-year-old standards; maybe I’d be impressed if the kid were 6.

    Anyway, that’s about how I feel about this kid’s story and the movie that’s being made from it.

  15. UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

  16. Casey says:

    And in heaven, the cereal still comes with kick-ass prizes. You don’t have to mail away for shit!

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