If you’ve been keeping an eye on movies you may have seen the trailer for the upcoming Greg Kinnear vehicle Heaven is for Real; the true story of a four year old boy named Colton Burpo who briefly died an went to Heaven, like you do, based on book of same title. Over the weekend Colton, now 11, started a twitter account to spread his experience to the people, check in with fans, and post to the sponsored #HeavenIsForRealMovie hashtag. Along with such revelations (ha! Get it?) as, “Even in heaven, the wounds of Jesus bleed. They forever bleed,” (oof) and, “Mom says I came back different,” (you think?) Colton dispensed some light-hearted facts such as this:
Every cereal! Okay, that is a big claim. I have some questions and I assume all of you do too.
1. Was this just something Jesus told you when you met him? Or is this a claim you independently verified?
2. If you saw this with your own eyes, you were four at the time; how did you even know every cereal? I’m 30 and I don’t think I know every cereal, and I was young in the eighties when the greatest number of vanity cereals were available to me. In death, do we have omnipotent knowledge of all cereal?
3. If Jesus told you this, how does he know all the cereals when he’s been dead for so long? Is he imbued with all knowledge of cereal or is he just passing along what he’s heard and you’re all just trumping up a cupboard with a couple of boxes of sugar smacks in it?
4. Do they have Barbie or Mr. T cereal? Do they have Donkey Kong Crunch? Does “every cereal” mean every cereal product ever produced? If I get to heaven, can I have a bowl of Donkey Kong Crunch as a reward or are they only stocking cereals currently in production? And if the latter can you really say that such a place is Heaven?
5. If they have every cereal, are they also stocking the truly awful bran cereals that no one wants? Isn’t that wasteful? Are people eating those, and can anyone who would really get into Heaven?
6. Is the cereal in those tubes with the levers that you put your bowl under and pull like they have in college cafeterias? Those are awesome.
7. Is there a milk dispenser of some kind? Is it a fountain? Is there soy and almond, or I guess lactose intolerance isn’t a thing in Heaven?
8. Did Jesus tell you his favorite cereal? Is it Donkey Kong Crunch?
These are obviously big questions, you may need time to think about them. Do you have anything else to tell us in the meantime Colton?
*Full Disclosure: This account is unverified and could very well be fake. It is difficult to tell and when I googled to see if anyone knew (no one seems to be claiming it is) I learned that the book claims Colton rode a rainbow horse with Jesus and that is not a joke. If a horse of every color is on the table, I say we still have our fun because these are important theological questions anyway.