GUESS WHAT EVERYBODY! I’m not going to spend half the recap complaining this week!
And that’s partially because this episode was not infuriating, and partially because I am almost clean out of f’s to give!
So to start off, we get our last glimpse of the dearly departed DeLa, who has left the longest farewell mirror message in Drag Race herstory! At the end of which she admits that she did it on purpose to make it harder for Darienne to clean off.
We launch into this week’s dose of lukewarm drama, with Courtney feeling put out that Adore won the challenge for some not-too-spectacular looks. Honey, I love you, but you weren’t any better so shut it. She also throws some more deserved shade in Bianca’s direction for not using her sewing talent to put together something more fabulous. Adore says “Party” and we cut to the credits.
The next day, it’s Michelle Visage who visits the workroom to talk about the main challenge instead of Ru. That’s because we’ve reached the final challenge of the season: starring with Ru in the video for “Sissy That Walk,” the song we’ve been hearing every week on the runway.
Up until this episode I had been assuming that there was some big twist in store at the end of the season because a lot of the usual challenges (Snatch Game, makeovers, last week’s “make three looks around a theme” challenge) happened a week earlier than usual, leaving us with four queens for the music video instead of the traditional three. But apparently Ru had just finally accepted that not eliminating anybody in the so-called finale and instead crowning the winner at the reunion show is no longer a surprise after doing it for the last two seasons.
Anyhow, Michelle explains that the concept for the video is that the girls will be portraying ingenues selling their souls to become Sissy: the supermodel of the world! They’ll have to learn “sissy-ography” and participate in two improvisation scenes with Ru.
Before filming the video, the queens also get to have a one-on-one Tic Tac lunch with Ru.
This bit always gives me America’s Next Top Model flashbacks in that Ru basically dredges up whatever sob story is likely to make each queen cry while asking them to explain why they deserve to win. Unfortunately, ever since Courtney pulled herself out of the gutter of her uncertainty in the light of a beautiful rainbow (this is still my favorite story ever) she has had no problems or unhappiness in her life so she doesn’t offer up any feelings. Bianca mainly talks about how people are going to find out that she’s not actually a cold-hearted witch after all.
Ru has better luck with the other two. Darienne talks about getting thrown out of the house for being gay which is very sad, and Adore shares that although she has a great relationship with her mom, she is not in touch with her dad because he was not accepting when she was a kid. Sadfaces all around!
But enough of this downer moment. The queens have a video to shoot and a walk to sissy. Normally on this episode somebody has a meltdown about the dancing part (Raja, Sharon, Alaska, Jinkx) but everybody is more or less competent this year. Darienne is a little unsure and Bianca seems more concerned about making jokes than dancing, but nobody does a bad enough job to get told off by director Mathu Andersen which is a shame. Mathu shade is traditional and I am very disappointed not to get my fix!
There’s a little bit of drama about Darienne stealing Adore’s dance move, but I spend this part mostly disappointed that although they were forced to dance and lip-sync on a treadmill, nobody fell.
The acting scenes are the highlight of the episode, not because of the queens (though each of them has funny moments) but because of Ru. The first segment is a photo shoot scene in which Ru plays a photographer, wearing an eyepatch.
He throws weird stage directions (“People Magazine’s Sexiest Baby Alive!” “Be a sexy dog! ” “Give me Mall of America! Give me Moll Flanders!”) at the innocent, starry-eyed queens until they snap and scream at him. No word on how Bianca and Darienne feel about being asked to play ingenues.
In the next scene, Ru comes to each queen as “Charles,” their ex-boyfriend trying to bring them back to their respective hometowns since fame has ruined them. Or something. I’m distracted by how perfect Ru looks and how terrible and wonderful his Australian accent is in Courtney’s scene:
Everybody seems to do a good job at the acting, more or less. But we don’t get to see any of the final product this week so who even knows.
In the workroom, the queens put together their final runway outfits. Adore is very discouraged watching Courtney and Bianca rifling through their trunks full of fancy and/or expensive dresses and headpieces.
Much ado has been made about Adore not having brought a whole lot of clothes with her to the show. And since she recycled her standup challenge dress for the photo shoot scene in the video (and also seemed to be wearing one of Gia Gunn’s wigs), it seems she’s pretty much reached the end of her supply! But she says that it’s more important to have star quality than fancy outfits.
They spend a lot of their remaining time in the workroom talking about how none of them liked each other at first but they all love each other now, but they also all think everybody else sucks? I don’t know. This is most of what happens on Untucked too and it’s boring.
Luckily it’s runway time now! There are no guest judges this week since it’s the last challenge, so we get straight to the final looks.
Adore doesn’t lack for sparkle! I don’t know if Gia borrowed that wig from her or vice versa but it’s beyond me why she would choose it for the final runway. It’s a pretty polished look for her though, and in character with her trashy persona.
Bianca is wearing a very nicely-made and flattering floor-length blue gown with a blue flower in her hair. If that sounds familiar it’s because those words could also describe the “eleganza” look Bob Mackie read her for last week! There is nothing wrong with it, but I’m yawning. I will also note that she wore a bathing suit in the dancing part of the music video and this bitch has great legs! Why doesn’t she ever show them on the runway?
Courtney looks like quintessential Courtney but you can’t say she doesn’t look amazing.
Darienne is wearing literally a blue, long-sleeved version of her dress from the horror movie episode. Except with no cape, which is a major downgrade.
So we hear the judges’ critiques, and they’re pretty much nice to everybody. Each queen gives a speech about why she deserves to win and they basically boil down to this:
Adore: Sorry bout it but I’m a superstar, give me the damn crown!
Bianca: I used to be a huge bitch but you all melted my icy heart.
Courtney: I’m already Australia’s Drag Superstar so I should probably be America’s too.
Darienne: Let me give you specific reasons why the other girls suck and I’m the best.
Anyway, after the judges deliberate, Ru has them do a four-way lip-sync of Sissy That Walk. The editing is very choppy so it’s honestly hard to tell how well any of them do (which is a shame since we’ve never seen Bianca or Courtney lip-sync before). But it’s probably irrelevant because Ru is not quite nuts enough to send Darienne through to the final three. THANK GOD. She’s asked to sashay away, and we the audience are asked to express our views on who should win on every social network that exists.
Next week will be the annual clip show/world premiere of the Sissy That Walk video, and unless it’s way less boring than usual I don’t intend to write about it. So let’s dish now! Are you #TeamBianca, #TeamCourtney or #TeamAdore?