Checking In On Sports your foot cleats up tight, Homeless Monsters, because it’s time to check in on sports. Is this long overdue, or is this long overdue? Alley oop/slam dunk/who cares! I believe I speak for all sports-heads when I say, “There has certainly never been a better time to be a sports-head.” The NBA playoffs have never been more racist. The hockey playoffs have never been more unwatched. Baseball remains boring and the Olympics probably remain over. Let’s tee off.

In Hoops News

The Owner of the Clippers, Donald Sterling, Is Super Racist

Known Harkonnen Donald Sterling, who also happens to own the Los Angeles Clippers, was outed as a despicable racist. In response, Commissioner Adam Silver banned Mr. Sterling, an 80-year-old who doesn’t like basketball, from basketball for life. On top of that, Sterling, who is a billionaire, was fined $2.5 million dollars. The league plans to force Sterling to sell the Clippers franchise, and Sterling stands to pocket another billion dollars from the sale. He has yet to apologize for his comments.

The Entire Indiana Pacers Team May Be On Drugs

At the NBA All Star Break, the Pacers of Indiana had the best record in the league. Paul George, as you know, was a viable MVP candidate. Roy Hibbert was a frontrunner for Defensive Player of the Year. They were playing shoes-on-fire defense like it was NBA Jam (that is, if your shoes caught on fire in NBA Jam for playing fundamentally sound defense). But since those halcyon days, the team has imploded. Like about to be swept out of the playoffs by the Washington Wizards imploded. What’s more interesting: no one knows why! There was more concrete discourse surrounding that disappeared plane than there is surrounding the Indiana Pacers right now. I think they’re on drugs. But WHICH drugs?

On the Rink
The San Jose Sharks were eliminated from the NHL playoffs after blowing a 3-0 series lead to the Los Angeles Kings. Who do they think they are? The Indiana Pacers of hockey!? Other hockey-related things surely happened, many of which were televised on the Versus network.
Around the Horn

The affable and communist White Sox slugger Jose Abreu became the MLB’s Rookie of the Month and the Player of the Month, all in the same month. For a slugger only in his first month of slugging, did he ever play like a major leaguer. In related news, Los Angeles Angels outfielder C.J. Wilson starred in his second commercial for Head & Shoulders dandruff shampoo. Do you think Jose Abreu deserved to win both of those awards? What about one of those awards? Does C.J. Wilson even have dandruff? Swing away, Merrill. Swing away.

About Carmen Petaccio

I blog, therefore I am.
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19 Responses to Checking In On Sports

  1. FRQ says:

    Those dudes go fishing together. EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY.

  2. catweazle says:

    My coworker and I were recently discussing the best way to make conversation with the army of affluent middle-aged white dudes in our office and settled on “How are the sports?” as the best opener, but now I have so much more material to work with!

    • hotspur says:

      At my first office job, I was shocked how big sports-talk was. People got all angry and argued about who THEY would trade and so on. Adults! Arguing! In fine detail! About what minute decisions THEY’D make if they worked at a giant, remote corporation whose goal was maximizing broadcast and merch revenue!

      There was one guy who was the most at this. Sports was literally his only topic. He’d swing by in the morning and say “How about last night’s game [in every sport, every day]?” He’d swing by in the afternoon to follow up. If a different topic ended up being discussed, he’d sit it out until a pause and then say, “Man, the Yankees,” or whatever to bring it right back. So I nicknamed him, behind his back, Sports Talker. THAT IS NOT A GREAT NICKNAME. But it stuck. When he wasn’t around, people would say “Did Sports Talker come by yet?” Keep in mind THEY were all sports talkers too and they liked him.

      Anyway he started dating a girl from my department and she told him I nicknamed him, and then he was pissed at me forever. Seriously forever. He snubbed me every day for my last 5 months there, and once I left he went around telling everyone he was glad I was gone. He found my old nameplate made a big show of turning it face down. Three years later I dropped by to meet someone for lunch and he saw me and scowled, and at lunch my friend told me, “He still brings you up, and that he hates you.”

      What the hell. Did he think he was NOT a Sports Talker??

      But anyway thanks to me, he had two topics.

      • Casey says:

        A+ post. For what it’s worth, now *I* hate the Sports Talker, so the karma is evening out for you.

  3. If it doesn’t end up working out for them, those Pacers could always become a boy band. They’ve got the poses down.

  4. artdorkgirl says:

    Mr. Dork plays fantasy football AND fantasy baseball, so I absorb sports knowledge by osmosis. I’m very good at making statements like, “you call that a pass?!?” and “what game was the ump watching?”

    • Casey says:

      If you’re ever stuck for something to say, just make some kind of change-related comment. Examples:
      – “Did LeBron get the dime?”
      – “They should try a nickel defense out there.”
      – “Beckham is such a little haypenny!”
      – “Is this quarter almost over yet?”

    • I play fantasy football (monster league), fantasy baseball seems EXHAUSTING there are WAY WAY WAY too many games.

  5. mordonez says:

    Some things to say about this delightful piece are these things:

    1. CJ WIlson is quite an entrepreneur, as he owns a Mazda dealership for which I am constantly hearing radio commercials, in case you need a brand new Mazda.

    2. Paul George, of the Indiana Pacers. is REALLY into leather as a fashion choice, it would appear?

    3. Recently a pitching man injured himself cutting his sandwich into fancy triangles.

    It is still not as good as the all time best baseball injury, in which professional Large Person Ball Slugger Glenallen Hill awoke from a nightmare, believed himself pursued by spiders, and fell through a glass coffee table in a panic. He was mostly ok, except for the multiple lacerations and everything. There are several other good ones, including a pitcher who got “guitar hero elbow”, and one who checked to see if the iron was hot yet by ironing his face.

  6. Don”t forget those racist Boston hockey fans who had the N word trending on twiter.

    • mordonez says:

      It wasn’t, though–the story is just that whenever a black NHL player does something of note, somebody somewhere will be a giant d-bag.


      “The talking point this morning was that “…” was trending on Twitter in Boston last night, though it turns out that’s not true. Here [if you click through to the orig. article] is an image of the tweet that started the rumor—it appears to just be a screenshot of search results. The Twitter user who inadvertently started it later apologized and tried to clear things up this morning, but by then it was too late to shake the storyline that the racism had been so pervasive that it registered in the Twitter algorithm.”

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