Lace your foot cleats up tight, Homeless Monsters, because it’s time to check in on sports. Is this long overdue, or is this long overdue? Alley oop/slam dunk/who cares! I believe I speak for all sports-heads when I say, “There has certainly never been a better time to be a sports-head.” The NBA playoffs have never been more racist. The hockey playoffs have never been more unwatched. Baseball remains boring and the Olympics probably remain over. Let’s tee off.
In Hoops News
The Owner of the Clippers, Donald Sterling, Is Super Racist
Known Harkonnen Donald Sterling, who also happens to own the Los Angeles Clippers, was outed as a despicable racist. In response, Commissioner Adam Silver banned Mr. Sterling, an 80-year-old who doesn’t like basketball, from basketball for life. On top of that, Sterling, who is a billionaire, was fined $2.5 million dollars. The league plans to force Sterling to sell the Clippers franchise, and Sterling stands to pocket another billion dollars from the sale. He has yet to apologize for his comments.
The Entire Indiana Pacers Team May Be On Drugs
At the NBA All Star Break, the Pacers of Indiana had the best record in the league. Paul George, as you know, was a viable MVP candidate. Roy Hibbert was a frontrunner for Defensive Player of the Year. They were playing shoes-on-fire defense like it was NBA Jam (that is, if your shoes caught on fire in NBA Jam for playing fundamentally sound defense). But since those halcyon days, the team has imploded. Like about to be swept out of the playoffs by the Washington Wizards imploded. What’s more interesting: no one knows why! There was more concrete discourse surrounding that disappeared plane than there is surrounding the Indiana Pacers right now. I think they’re on drugs. But WHICH drugs?
The affable and communist White Sox slugger Jose Abreu became the MLB’s Rookie of the Month and the Player of the Month, all in the same month. For a slugger only in his first month of slugging, did he ever play like a major leaguer. In related news, Los Angeles Angels outfielder C.J. Wilson starred in his second commercial for Head & Shoulders dandruff shampoo. Do you think Jose Abreu deserved to win both of those awards? What about one of those awards? Does C.J. Wilson even have dandruff? Swing away, Merrill. Swing away.