The Ultimate Apartment Amenities

My boyfriend, Leonardo DiCaprio, just shelled out big money for a new place to woo supermodels apartment in a New York City. This one of a kind building brands itself as “the first Wellness Real Estate Residence in the world.” Sure. What else would 10 million bucks pay for?

Aside from being a ridiculously beautiful apartment, the building boasts some out of the ordinary amenities. Let’s take a look at a few here:

A vitamin C-infused shower that “eliminates residual chlorine and promotes healthier skin and hair.”  I am assuming that this isn’t just rich person speak for “bathing in orange juice.” I will now forever imagine that Leo smells like the way your hands do after you peel a tangerine at work and then everyone walks past your desk asking, “Does it smell like oranges in here?” for the rest of the day.

Electrical panel that reduces electromagnetic field exposure. Does this also protect agains paranormal field exposure? Because if so, there are some other real estate properties Leo could start branching into.

“Dawn simulation coordinates lighting” that comes with blackout shades “to gently increase the amount of light in the bedroom at a customizable wake-up time.” This sounds 100% heavenly. 

“Reflexology stone pathways” that activate and support the muscular system when walked on. Good call, no one likes a supermodel with scoliosis. 

A 78-bottle wine refrigerator.  Self-explanatory. 

These are all great, but I feel like there are way more things that apartments could offer for their bajillion dollar tenants. When I win the lottery this is what I want…

  • A Slide. It’s been done in NYC already, but it’s still amazing.
  • Two story Diet Coke waterfall
  • Rooftop with pool that has a lazy-river
  • Concierge service where you can rent a puppy or kitten to snuggle with
  • A personal butler who is Alfred from Batman
  • Wood-burning pizza oven, full time chef to make pizzas in it
  • Haunted doll room  Saved by the Bell and New Kids on the Block Barbie Doll Room

What else?

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23 Responses to The Ultimate Apartment Amenities

  1. Casey says:

    Nice apartment, Leo. Too bad you didn’t move into the one with a shower that makes you smell like you actually won an Oscar, though!


  2. -secret passageways
    -blanket fort room
    -two-story library with a spiral staircase
    -chocolate fountain
    -zip line
    -robot butler (I would name him Bartholomew, obs)

  3. catweazle says:

    The closet from Clueless. #RIPKelly

  4. hotspur says:

    +Model train set running from room to room via tunnels and bridges.
    +Robots of all kinds.
    +Intercom to the President.
    +Children of your very own that you can see when they are delightful but who are whisked away by staff when they get ornery or you have other things you’d rather do.
    +Make-Your-Own-Fritos lab.

  5. Kate says:

    I’d add an artist’s studio. So luxurious to have a place to put my art stuff that’s not my dining room.

  6. flanny says:

    — In-unit washer & dryer

  7. If I had ten million dollars to spend on my ten millionth house, I wouldn’t want any part of this Elysium nightmare palace. I’d do what any empathetic human being would do, and single-handedly fund the second season of John From Cincinnati. And if there was any money leftover, Terriers. Also Worst Week. And maybe Luck if they agreed to use CGI horses.

    • Sota says:

      I would bring back Happy Endings.

    • welcometocostcoiloveyou says:

      I would nominate myself president of television and fund multiple networks that would bring back everyone’s favorite shows. Also increase budgets of currently good shows so we don’t have to wait so long between seasons.

  8. mrsberesford says:

    1. a holodeck
    2. an ice cream parlor like in escape to witch mountain
    3. prefect’s bathroom (no ghosts)

  9. I would like a room where the floor was made out of mattresses, but not gross like in the playboy mansion.
    A wine fountain
    A terrace with a pool
    A walk in fridge and freezer
    A sunk in the floor couch and fire place

  10. Erika says:

    Is it weird that I think $10 million is kind of cheap for Manhattan? I saw a real estate listing on Tumblr last night that was for a four bed/3 bath on the Upper West Side, and it was “only” $4 million.

  11. welcometocostcoiloveyou says:

    I’m glad Leo takes showers. Some celebrities insist that they don’t wear deodorant or only use one square of toilet paper per day, etc. Those people sound like they are probably gross.

    • Sota says:

      I mean technically we don’t know for sure that he does shower…we just know that he now has the orange juice shower available to him if he wants it. If I ever manage to meet him, I will report back on if he looks/smells bathed or not.

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