Like sands through the hourglass, so are the sports we check in on. This week was one of the sportiest in recent memory, sports-heads. Just like a ton of sports happening and a ton of athletes competing. And though no new masters of The Racist Renaissance revealed themselves, the talking heads on ESPN had no shortage of topics to flap their mouth flaps about. What were said topics? Let’s take the field and find out.
On The Gridiron
Just weeks after Paula Deen likened her struggle to his, Michael Sam was selected by the St. Louis Rams in the seventh round of the NFL Draft, becoming the first openly gay player in the league’s history. This is just a great thing, until you begin to contemplate how Sam will fit into the Rams already loaded pass rush. Which you are definitely contemplating! Paula Deen has yet to comment on Sam’s selection, and hopefully she never will.
In Hoops News
Kevin “Durantula” Durant was crowned MVP of the 2013-2014 NBA season. To commemorate the occasion, Durant delivered a speech so moving and rhetorically taut that there were multiple reports of inanimate objects all around the country spontaneously bursting into tears. Lebron James, who’d won four of the previous five MVPs, wasn’t asked to comment, because no one ever said shit about his shitty boilerplate speeches, because he’s a vile brand manager, not a human being. Both Durant’s Thunder and Lebron’s Heat advanced to the Finals of their respective conferences as well, setting the stage for a Good v Evil showdown whose Good v Evil-ness hasn’t been seen since Tim Tebow’s Broncos played Tom Brady’s Patriots in the playoffs that one year. You remember.
On The Rink
The Montreal Canadiens defeated the Boston Bruins in Game 7 of the Eastern Conference semi-finals, bringing the Quebecois Separatists one step closer to hoisting the Stanley Cup and inciting the inevitable, deadly riots that would follow. Like a true Bostonian, Bruins player Milan Lucic continued a centuries-long tradition of Boston sports culture being the absolute worst by refusing to shake hands with Canadiens players after the game. To boot, he also told some of the players he was going to “kill them next year.” Incroyable!
Around the Horn
The MLB season is now 25% over. Rejoice.