Wondering what’s in the stars for you this weekend? Wonder no more, because here I am with this weekend’s Flanoscopes. They’re like horoscopes, but they have a Groupon for a manicure. RICH!
Aries: March 21-April 20
You know what I’m going to say. You’ve been very lazy this week, Aries, and it’s come to bite you in the ass. This weekend isn’t going to be a lot of fun, because you’re going to have to catch up on a lot of work you should have gotten done on Tuesday. Tuesday! While all your friends are out getting drunk and BBQing, you’re going to be running expense reports in the office. What a disappointment.
Taurus: April 21-May 20
Flip yesterday the bird, Taurus. It’s a new day, a new you, and everything’s just bully for you! Because Tauruses are bulls.
Gemini: May 21-June 20
Your greatest strength is your unparalleled tenacity, followed closely by your excellent hosting skills. So as your birthday nears (or maybe just passed, whoops), put those two strengths to work and have an amazing party! Balloons and pinatas and those little noise makers where when you blow in it the little thing uncurls and goes pppffftttttttttnnnnnn.
Cancer: June 21-July 20
Hair is playing at an independent theater near you, and I know you’ve always harbored a secret crush on Treat Williams, you weirdo. So TREAT yourself (LOL) and get a tub of buttery popcorn and enjoy all those terrible mops up on everybody’s heads.
Leo: July 21-August 20
GETS (That stands for the Government Emergency Telecommunications Service, in case you didn’t know, and why don’t you know? NOOB.) is a way for government employees and whatnot to avoid dropped calls during high-volume periods. Must be nice, huh? To be able to talk to your family during an emergency like no big deal, while the rest of us plebs suffer through poor service. Ugg, anyway, this weekend you’ve got, like, a GETS for lyfe. No matter all the difficulties and troubles that your loved ones and ordinary tax-paying Americans are experiencing, you’re going to have smooth sailing.
Virgo: August 21-September 20
Me, I’d say you’re going to have a great weekend, Virgo!!! But, sadly that’s not what the stars say. If you value the sight in your right eye, the stars recommend just staying home and not putting your fingers near any electrical outlets. In fact, stay away from electricity in general. Pretend you’re Amish this weekend, only, um, don’t do any farm work or wear any of those wide-brimmed hats. Ugg, the stars say you’re going to have a terrible weekend. I’m sorry.
Libra: September 21-October 20
Overwhelmed though you may feel at work lately, don’t let yourself get hopeless. Relief is just around the corner, at the fancy ice cream shop, in the form of hazelnut gelato.
Scorpio: October 21-November 20
But for the joy you bring them, someone would be in a very bad place. All of us would be very sad right now if you weren’t around, actually. Not just a singular someone. You’re pretty fantastic.
Sagittarius: November 21-December 20
When was the last time you called your brother?
Capricorn: December 21-January 20
You have to face the facts. The thing that you wanted so desperately to happen just isn’t going to. It’s no fault of yours. You put in a lot of hard work (unlike that fucking Aries), but sometimes things are out of your control. So go out there, get drunk in the sun, maybe cry on your BFF’s shoulder a little, and you’ll feel better and ready to tackle a new challenge.
Aquarius: January 21-February 20
Smile when your go to visit your grandmother this weekend, or else you’re going to end up hearing the whole speech about the reason why you’re still single. “You’ll never get a man with a frown on your face!” “You’re so pretty when you smile and when you get your hair out of your eyes.” “Are you a lesbian? Is that it?” Ug, just smile for half an instant right away so you don’t have to listen to twenty minutes of that. And then go hide in the basement with your cousins, and she’ll forget you’re even down there and start nagging your cousin Danielle, who actually is a lesbian. Danielle is actually so over your grandmother always asking her why she doesn’t have a boyfriend, so she’s going to just come out with it and tell Danielle all about Sarah and OH MAN YOUR GRANDMA IS NOT GOING TO HANDLE IT WELL. Come up out of the basement when you hear the yelling, because it’ll be a show.
Pisces: February 21-March 20
At 7:30 Saturday night you’ll be visit by three spirits. You know the drill: Christmas Past, Present and Future. I know that it’s May and I told them that, but they’ve been pretty backed up because there are so many horrible people out there and they’ve had to visit them all. That’s also why it’s at 7:30. Their schedule is just jammed; they can’t keep these appointments just at midnight. It’s just not doable. Anyway, when they come to you the sun won’t even have set, but be in bed anyway, and like, I guess, just pretend you were sleeping. They’re kind of dumb and can be easily convinced.
*Flanny is not a psychic and does not necessarily believe in psychics or astrology, but she reads her own horoscope every day just in case.*