Queen of the Internet Gwyneth Paltrow was invited to speak at Code Conference this week. I know about as much about Code Conference as Gwynnie does (nothing) so why she was invited is a bit of a head-scratcher. Luckily after admitting that she didn’t really have anything relevant to contribute, she treated the audience to the GOOPiest possible speech about how she doesn’t give a fuck about the haterz.
I will admit that her central thesis about people on the internet being assholes is totally valid, but it’s couched in so many classic Gwyneth quotes that I can’t really take it seriously. The speech really has it all: ham-handed use of ten-dollar words (“Facebook actually started as a place to judge women on their pulchritude or lack of it”), bizarre metaphors (“Anyone in any field who has their head rise above a poppy in the field, they get their heads chopped off”), awkwardly sexual jokes (“As we think about the effects of all this stuff… having access to porn that would even freak me out, which says a lot… Just kidding”), and even more awkward, possibly accidentally sexual jokes (“Of all of the men that I’ve been between in my life, Satya [Nadella, Microsoft CEO] and Sergey [Brin] are certainly in their own league for what I’m used to … I didn’t expect to be in the middle of their sandwich”). The whole article is worth a read.