Turkey Terror

Turkeys are fucking everywhere nowadays, huh? I live in a city, and the other week I saw a turkey just hanging out in my neighbor’s yard when I left for work! I’ve seen them wander around by the streetcar tracks in the middle of a very busy neighborhood. Once I was driving through on an otherwise deserted street and I saw one by the side of the road and he saw me and we locked eyes for a good five seconds and I haven’t been the same since.

“It’s not interested in me.” True. It wants the child. It wants to snatch away happiness and innocence and collect them in its wattle. I know first hand!!

When the video stops and the turkey stops gobbling? That was the deepest silence I’ve ever experienced.

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About flanny

Flanny was born and raised in a Detroit suburb, but tells people she's from Detroit without clarification because it makes her sound tough. She is not tough. Her favorite member of One Direction is Louis Tomlinson, and her favorite Agatha Christie detectives are Tommy and Tuppence.
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9 Responses to Turkey Terror

  1. We get big flocks of them in the field behind the backyard. I keep expecting them to get into some kind of West Side Story-esque rumble with the geese.

  2. flanny says:

    Here’s an article that was posted on boston.com maybe an hour after I wrote this piece.
    http://www.boston.com/news/local/massachusetts/2014/05/28/brookline-surrendering-the-war-against-turkeys/sZYy6ojPrTrzEiAuy9s0hJ/story.html
    DON’T GIVE UP, GUYS!!!

    • artdorkgirl says:

      This may be my favorite piece of advice from the above article:
      “DON’T LET TURKEYS INTIMIDATE YOU: Don’t hesitate to scare or threaten a bold, aggressive turkey with loud noises, swatting with a broom or water sprayed from a hose”

  3. Wallflower says:

    Birds are just straight up mean and scary.

    Also, I am highly impressed with that kids unicycle skills!

  4. artdorkgirl says:

    One of Mr. Dork’s aunt’s various failed endevours was a turkey farm. They wanted me to go on a tour. I stayed in the car, and I think I made the wiser choice. I don’t trust birds.

  5. FRQ says:

    This is what happens when you pardon them. #thanksobama

  6. catweazle says:

    Fuck turkeys, man. There was a pack of wild turkeys that terrorized my neighborhood for several months when I was a kid. They would often be in my backyard, and for a while they would chase me to the bus stop every morning. I eventually started walking a different way that took a lot longer. The best though was one morning when I was waiting at the bus stop and my brother’s friend was trying to get revenge on one of the turkeys by throwing his backpack at it, but he missed and then the turkey wouldn’t let him near the backpack (which was now lying in the middle of the street). If a friendly neighbor hadn’t chased the turkey off with his car, he would have probably just had to go to school without it.

  7. hotspur says:

    One day my family came back from being out and there were a dozen wild turkeys in our front yard, which was unprecedented. I was 13 maybe? I decided to charge at them yelling and make them all fly away. But they didn’t fly away. They slowly turned and looked at me. And having charged, I was now standing in their midst. It was not good.

    Turkeys are flying raccoons.

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