Wondering what’s in the stars for you this weekend? Wonder no more, because here I am with this weekend’s Flanoscopes. They’re like horoscopes, but they are going on vacation next week so you have to make this week’s predictions last!
Aries: March 21-April 20
The old adage is true. You can get more flies with honey than you can with vinegar. But you can catch the most flies with a slightly decomposed bit of fruit that’s sitting in the bottom of a tall glass but with just a little bit of vinegar in there. So would you rather be sticky honey, or a piece of wet, soft fruit? There’s no right answer.
Taurus: April 21-May 20
Ground balls. Pop flies. Chewing Tobacco. It’s baseball season, Taurus, and like your favorite major leaguers, you’re ready to hit the field, but in a metaphorical way. Life is a long boring slog and during a lot of it you’re just standing around waiting for the bathrooms and the toilet seats are always cool and wet. But every once in a while someone hits a ball and things are amazing and points get scored, but those points aren’t scored unless the players get off the bench and get into the action. So get into it!
Gemini: May 21-June 20
It’s darkest before the dawn, so if things are seeming extra tough for you right now, Gemini, keep these words in mind. However, if things are going really well, it can only mean that bad shit’s on the horizon and maybe you should take it easy for a little bit. Try not to talk to interact with anyone, and don’t even watch your favorite TV show because your favorite character is going to be written off in an unpleasant way.
Cancer: June 21-July 20
Ain’t life a bitch? As soon as you’ve got one part of it settled, something else comes along to confuse and confound you! This weekend, it’s your stupid old love life that’s got your mind in a knot. Is this The One? Is there such a thing as The One?
Leo: July 21-August 20
Hard as it is to admit it to yourself, you need to let yourself accept the fact that you’ve done as much as you can on a certain project. You’ve hit a dead end, and anything else you try to do will be like going to a graveyard and digging up a corpse and trying to give it CPR. Also, if that metaphor hit too close to the truth and reanimating corpses is this “certain project,” I implore you on behalf of humanity to give it up. We have enough problems with this whole Clippers controversy, thanks.
Virgo: August 21-September 20
To the windows. To the wall. I’m not going to sing the rest of that song because it’s disgusting.
Libra: September 21-October 20
Tell you what, Libra. I’ll give you a good horoscope if you give me thirty-four dollars American. Yeah, that’s a threat.
Scorpio: October 21-November 20
You will have a metaphysical experience this weekend, Scorpio, which will change your thoughts on the afterlife. Basically, your friends are going to talk you into spending the night in a “haunted” house so that the group of you can claim a $10,000 prize. You’re the skeptic, so when you start hearing bumps and moans, you think nothing of it. Until something happens that you can’t explain. You have a dream where your dead grandmother comes to you and shows you a portal in the library behind a musty old copy of Moby Dick. When you go down to the IRL library to check it out, the person in the group you have a crush on (Charlie) is going to come into the library, all vacant-eyed, and tell you something about yourself no one else can know, which I will not reveal here but which you should feel free to reveal in the comments.
Sagittarius: November 21-December 20
Don’t let the man get you down this weekend, Sagittatius. You’ve had a rough couple of weeks, and it’s totally fine if you want to let loose every once in a while. Sure, people will tell you that you’re not acting very responsibly, and that you shouldn’t eat so many elephant ears in one sitting, but fuck them, right? Your stomach will tell you when it’s time so stop and this weekend it’s like Bring It AWN.
Capricorn: December 21-January 20
Know this: you are a precious angel sent down from heaven.
Aquarius: January 21-February 20
You got some great news this week, Aquarius, so you should go out and celebrate. Throw a cowboy-themed party, complete with lassos made of red licorice and get your hands on a flaming-hot piece of metal and go to town!
Pisces: February 21-March 20
Don’t you wish you lived in a different time period sometimes? Like, when all your screens are blinking at you and your neighbor’s car alarm won’t stop going off and you are planning a dinner party and need to know what a paleo diet is because your best friend’s new girlfriend is doing it? Wouldn’t it be nice to go back to simpler time? Like medieval times? When all you had to worry about was plague? It just seemed like fun back then, I dunno. I think you’d be really great during Gladiator times, because I think you’d be sent into the lion’s den (nothing personal), but you’d make friend with the lions and tame them and the whole crowd would be like, “Awwww” and would crown you emperor right then and there. I guess, uh, think about that this weekend.
*Flanny is not a psychic and does not necessarily believe in psychics or astrology, but she reads her own horoscope every day just in case.*