This Summer, Your Only Goal Should be to Kill it Half as Much as This Kid

First of all, I am about to link you to an article that can be found on MSN’s “Living” page. Please do not worry about my emotional health. It was sent to me by my older sister, and I can only assume that someone else brought it to her attention. We’ll find the weirdo that is reading MSN Living later.

For now, just go to the damn link already and read this kid’s letter home from summer camp. It. Is. Amazeballs.

Are you back? Good. Now comes the hard part. You are going to have to up your game A LOT this summer if you want to be anywhere close to getting on this kid’s level.

It’s time to look yourself in the mirror and ask some tough questions. Are you going to challenge any Push-Pop eating records? Are you going to learn to burp the alphabet backwards (excuse me for doubting if you can even burp it forwards). Are you going to watch smoke come off the poop?

Remember, he accomplished all this and much more in just a few days, and without even getting diarrhea on his pillow. Get out there and live, monsters. While you still can.

About Casey

Sassiness mistaken for horribleness.
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31 Responses to This Summer, Your Only Goal Should be to Kill it Half as Much as This Kid

  1. Is this an ad for The Common Core? Or a bonus level on No Pineapple Left Behind?

  2. I hear Smoking Poop is the odds-on favorite for next year’s Kentucky Derby.

  3. catweazle says:

    This is great because it simultaneously reminds me that I never want to have children and makes me look forward to being entertained by my future niece or nephew.

    • welcometocostcoiloveyou says:

      As adorable as this letter is, I still don’t want kids. Unfortunately, all of our siblings live out of state, so we won’t even get to hang out with nieces/nephews. Maybe we can just borrow a friend’s kid. Or I guess I could start reading MSN “Living” to see more cute stuff?

      • welcometocostcoiloveyou says:

        Ugh, forget MSN Living. Articles on “5 Out of Fashion Dog Breeds” and “This app helps you avoid giving your kid a ‘stripper’ name.” No thank you.

        • Sota says:

          Another article on there: “Woman seeks divorce because her husband didnt like ‘Frozen.'” Just reminding us that America is f***ed.

        • summerestherson says:

          I think the divorce thing is from Japan, actually.

        • Sota says:

          Yeah, I realized that afterwards…although I don’t rescind the sentiment. If there truly are people who need to download an app to avoid giving their child stripper names, that is enough.

        • catweazle says:

          Any name can be a stripper name if you go after your dreams.

  4. artdorkgirl says:

    You know, I miss the days when eating more push-pops than anyone else was seen as an accomplishment and not a sad waste of a Tuesday…

  5. welcometocostcoiloveyou says:

    I did not even know that they still made push-pops anymore. I will not eat 23 of them, but I am adding them to my grocery list.

  6. I miss camp!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    • Casey says:

      I never went to summer camp. Please share hilarious stories!

      The closest I came was when my fifth grade class was sent away to a weeklong sleepover camp in the Angeles National Forest. It was pretty outstanding. I made it a point to drink as much milk as they would give me at every meal and I don’t think I pooped the whole time. I may have showered, but only once.

      The highlight of the experience was one evening when our counselor never came back to do lights out, so we (being a roomful of 10-year-old boys) went totally insane and had a wild rumpus in our cabin. Late in the night, he finally burst in and screamed at us all because he had to drive one of the other counselors back to the city whose brother had killed himself. I remember even at that age thinking it was a little unfair since we didn’t know that at all, but now that I’m older and realizing he was just a young guy that had to deal with some heavy shit (I mean that must have been a harrowing drive), I forgive him for being freaked out. I FORGIVE YOU!!

      Then we all signed each other’s memory logs and went home, but I’ll never forget you, Camp Hi Hill!

    • catweazle says:

      My main memory of camp is sleeping in a cot with a mosquito net over it and watching as a gigantic hairy spider crawled out of one of the bed posts, which meant I was trapped in a mesh cage of terror with a disgusting monster. So I don’t miss it at all!

    • artdorkgirl says:

      I went to girl scout camp four years in a row, and every year it poured the whole weekend. I took that as a sign that the universe wanted me to be a indoor kinda gal.

    • Sota says:

      I went to two different camps every summer and even lifeguarded at one of them the summer after my freshman year of college. Camp was always so much fun. Once when I was younger (maybe 7-9 age range?) I agreed to “steer” the canoe because no one else knew how and ended up getting stuck on the other side of the lake. We had to get saved by a local ski boat after we had been gone for hours. Later in my camp career the stories tended to be more about sneaking out to meet boys after lights out. I was always covered head to toe with mosquito bites due to our late night excursions, but it was always worth it…at least to 16 year old me it certainly was.

    • I always wanted to go to camp and I have no idea why, because even as a child, I was an antisocial curmudgeon who hated the outdoors.

    • mrsberesford says:

      I only went to camps run by the Southern Baptist Convention, so for every cannonball contest story, I came home with at least three “boy whose friend died unsaved and is now burning in Hell” stories. Which…yeah.

    • FRQ says:

      I only went to day camps as a kid. I remember one camp I attended had a room full of Nintendo consoles, and thought to myself “This doesn’t seem right”, but ultimately did not care because I was a 10 year old boy.

    • I worked at a sleep away camp for many summers and it was great, it’s mostly run by young people and we would have the best parties on day offs. Most of my bffs are from camp still.

  7. Wallflower says:

    I never went to a summer camp either. I went to Band Camp (jealous? and save the “This one time at Band Camp” remarks because I really hate that quote).

    Camp mainly consisted of me and my friends giving people nicknames (Latino man, Bilingual bitch, etc. – I was like Gay of Thrones but not as funny) and having crushes on boys I never talked to while boys I didn’t want to talk to wouldn’t leave me alone because I always felt bad for them and was nice to them which led them to think they had a chance when they didn’t. Ugh… many crushes. Those were the days.

  8. msmessica says:

    That is how we should spell diarrhea isn’t it? Let’s all admit that. But let’s never admit the link between diyareeyah and eating 23 push pops at once because we’re dreamers.

  9. old man fatima says:

    I don’t know, you guys. I want this to be real but what kid signs his/her name with just the first letter?? Unless W is his/her entire name?

  10. This kid is the greatest. My boss was recently talking about how his daughter did something awesome and how cool and unexpected it was and I think that’s what’s cool about having kids, when they do something awesome and unexpected and it cracks you up.

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