Heil Deutschland!

The German team, too, has landed in Brazil and are en route to their exclusive Bahia beach training facility, where they will practice with an unnerving intensity and later relax by the sea, perhaps considering the works of Herta Müller and the “landscape of the dispossessed” while smoldering in their official monochromatic Hugo Boss swim shorts.  Although they travel without crucial midfielder Marco Reus due to an ankle injury (nefariously inflicted by the Argentinians — damn you, nastyemu!), Germany’s characteristic stoicism stands them in good stead: they remain fierce, steely-gazed, and undeterred from their promotional responsibilities.  As dashing, strong-jawed team manager Oliver Bierhoff put it, “We won’t be complaining. We will accept the conditions as they are.”  Hold me.

German fans are preparing for Viktoria by relaxing the country’s noise restrictions so that viewing parties, rallies, and triumphal parades can happen in the open air, recalling beloved traditions that predate the World Cup.  Meanwhile, those of us who are new to German football can keep these fun facts in mind:

If Germany does not win the world cup, Coach Joachim Low will almost certainly lose his job and be executed publicly and sacrificed to the Krampus.

When not hoofing it for the Fatherland, three German players currently receive the old room and board from Arsenal, whom Gnidrah, for personal reasons, hates.  Sorry, Gnidrah, but thank you for organizing our World Cup sweepstakes!

Star player Sami Khadira’s wife was the very first winner of Germany’s Next Top Model!  She has been banned from practices because her beauty and provocative style of dress incites jealousy among the other WAGS.  But I say, work it, Lena!

And now to wrap up, here is a video of Reichy the Eagle delivering the team’s cleats, as is his sworn and noble duty.  Deutschland über alles!



About mrsberesford

Mrs. Beresford started out life as an accidental blackmailer (all in search of adventure and money) and can often be found hiding in cupboards or listening in on calls to the Home Office. She lives in San Francisco with several potted plants and Albert, her long-suffering valet.
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24 Responses to Heil Deutschland!

  1. mrsberesford says:

    I was about to apologize for how big that picture of Oliver Bierhoff is in this post…but, I think I won’t.

    • Sota says:

      No apologies necessary. You’ll just find me on the floor after fainting. It’s all good.

  2. catweazle says:

    Sure, your boys might do well in a modeling competition, but this is sports! It’s not about who has the prettiest face or the hottest wife, it’s about who demonstrates the best soccermanship.

  3. Jimeno Arañamonje says:

    Mrs. Beresford – if that is indeed your real name – would you care to comment on the recent allegations that the serum developed from Adolf Hitler’s DNA that the members of the German football team have been injecting into their frontal lobes as part of their daily regimen has evolved into an airborne pathogen? Do you think the negative publicity attached to being the vectors for such an unpopular plague could invalidate any unlikely victories the German players might accidentally achieve? If not on strictly legal grounds, at least in the hearts and minds of all right-thinking, God-fearing non-Hitler-mutants?

  4. mrsberesford says:

    These allegations are wholly unfounded. The Fuhrer is long-dead; his body cremated. No remaining genetic material has ever been proven to survive into the present day. Careless talk costs lives!

    • Jimeno Arañamonje says:

      Interesting… but that’s what a Hitler-mutant could be expected to say, isn’t it? Tell me, Mrs. Beresford, do you feel a strange tingling in your upper lip? Has a growing inflexibility in your knees been making your stride awkward of late? Like the gait, perhaps, of a GOOSE?!?

      No need to reply, I can see it from here. Thank you very much for your time, Mrs. Beresford.

      • frauberesford says:

        The magical realism endemic to the literature of your mother tongue has destroyed your ability to tell fact from fiction. Just as Germany shall destroy Spain in every contest of athletic skill or intellectual prowess man can devise.

        • Jimeno Arañamonje says:

          One disregards magical realism so off-handedly at one’s own peril. Was it not your own Immanuel Kant who posited that all experience is subjective, and that there can be no true knowledge of the world outside of our sensory perceptions? Whatever physical laws we divine from our surroundings are synthetic, or constructs of the mind, adhering to principles inherent in all manifestations of rationality but not necessarily inherent in nature. The mind’s greatest strength lies in the forging of connections between objects and concepts, or between intuitions and categories, and the most innovative links are often formed – like sudden constellations – while one’s mind idles in a state of heightened receptivity. The vapour of dreams provides the most conductive medium for these lightning strikes of inspiration. What is magical realism but the tailoring of myths to a modern context? And what are myths but the melding of dream and reality? Would you rob humanity of all its innovations and all its dreams, Hitler?

        • hotspur says:

          “Oh srsly? Our reality is but shadows, cast by objective forms we can never behold directly? Tell me something I haven’t known for 2,500 years.” — Greece, relaxing in Plato’s den, about to win the World Cup

        • Jimeno Arañamonje says:

          Yeah, Germany. Plagiarize much?

  5. gnidrah says:

    I still hate Arsenal.

    • gnidrah says:

      Also, today I drew Spain and Italy in my office sweepstake, so now everyone hates ME.

  6. old man fatima says:

    I want to cheer for Germany because they’re quite good, but they’re so gd cocky that I can’t manage. (And yet I cheer for Brazil?)

    Your entire team has their cleats delivered by an EAGLE for EVERY PRACTICE?! Germany, I’m pretty sure there are still starving children in Bangladesh. Not acceptable.

    • frauberesford says:

      The tradition of eagle service dates back centuries! Each player must train his own bird of prey to do his bidding after defeating it in single combat to become its true master. This instills discipline and unyielding confidence in the entire German team. But perhaps during the off-season the birds can deliver dry goods to these children you mention. A committee of bureaucrats will be established to investigate the potential inefficiencies of such a system.

    • Marlasinger says:

      That can’t be true.

  7. Marlasinger says:

    I love you, OMF.

  8. frauberesford says:

    Jimeno, for some reason this American-designed WordPress will not allow me to reply directly to your comment on beloved German Immanuel Kant, so I will create a new thread to remind you that despite the lack of magical realism in the fiction of Teutonic writers, German innovation is celebrated worldwide and pushes the boundaries of science and engineering in ways that intimidate and astound citizens from lesser nations.

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