The German team, too, has landed in Brazil and are en route to their exclusive Bahia beach training facility, where they will practice with an unnerving intensity and later relax by the sea, perhaps considering the works of Herta Müller and the “landscape of the dispossessed” while smoldering in their official monochromatic Hugo Boss swim shorts. Although they travel without crucial midfielder Marco Reus due to an ankle injury (nefariously inflicted by the Argentinians — damn you, nastyemu!), Germany’s characteristic stoicism stands them in good stead: they remain fierce, steely-gazed, and undeterred from their promotional responsibilities. As dashing, strong-jawed team manager Oliver Bierhoff put it, “We won’t be complaining. We will accept the conditions as they are.” Hold me.
German fans are preparing for Viktoria by relaxing the country’s noise restrictions so that viewing parties, rallies, and triumphal parades can happen in the open air, recalling beloved traditions that predate the World Cup. Meanwhile, those of us who are new to German football can keep these fun facts in mind:
If Germany does not win the world cup, Coach Joachim Low will almost certainly lose his job and be executed publicly and sacrificed to the Krampus.
When not hoofing it for the Fatherland, three German players currently receive the old room and board from Arsenal, whom Gnidrah, for personal reasons, hates. Sorry, Gnidrah, but thank you for organizing our World Cup sweepstakes!
Star player Sami Khadira’s wife was the very first winner of Germany’s Next Top Model! She has been banned from practices because her beauty and provocative style of dress incites jealousy among the other WAGS. But I say, work it, Lena!
And now to wrap up, here is a video of Reichy the Eagle delivering the team’s cleats, as is his sworn and noble duty. Deutschland über alles!