Who wants to play MASH?

If you’re anything like me, you’re already over this week. And it’s only Tuesday! So to brighten an otherwise dull day, I think we probably all ought to play MASH together.

I can’t imagine that anybody here doesn’t already know how it works, but just in case you are a space alien, you get to choose five options in six categories and let the magic of math determine your future. The only workable online MASH game I found is this, however I recommend replacing the “Universities” category with “Ways to die” to give the game a bit of an edge.

Different people have different MASH rules, but one I insist on is that for every category you must choose at least one really bad option. If there’s no risk of marrying Mel Gibson, how can you feel truly #blessed if you get to marry Idris Elba?

Please play the game and share your future in the comments. Here’s mine:

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! My only consolation is that Bieber has to raise our twelve kids while I’m off razor scooting in space šŸ˜¦

About catweazle

Catweazle is an 11th century wizard trying to make his way through the modern world while living in a disused water tower with his pet toad.
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49 Responses to Who wants to play MASH?

  1. Phew! Mine was pretty good:

    I like goats. And I’m going to assume that heart attack happens when I’m 98.

  2. flanny says:

    You will die in a preventable accident and be a(n) Sheep farmer.
    You will live in a(n) Shack in Munich.
    You will marry Jude Law and have 2 (not twins) kids.
    You will get around by Automatic Transmission.

    We’re all farmers, guys!
    I also always play with one bad thing, and that’s how I ended up dancing to I Want It That Way at my wedding and having a daughter named Bernice Destiny.

  3. pickpocket says:

  4. At least I didn’t end up married to Max George

  5. Kate says:

    I’m already in my future!

  6. FRQ says:

    She will get accustomed to the smell.

    • Jimeno AraƱamonje says:

      Oh shit, Emily Blunt! I knew I had one celebrity crush.

      • hotspur says:

        And I totally forgot Aubrey Plaza somehow. Not that it matters, as the computer “went for broke” in assigning me a spouse.

  7. Jimeno AraƱamonje says:

    This could have gone better. I’m immortal but I have infinite kids, I’m married to Iker Casillas, and my job is reading entrails. And since I live in Antarctica, that means I’m probably gonna have to kill some penguins. I like penguins. But in the plus column, I get to hang glide to work.

  8. You will die from Spontaneous Combustion and be a(n) Ancient Art Curator.
    You will live in a(n) Mansion in Edinburgh.
    You will marry Daniel Craig and have 1 kids.
    You will get around by Swift Wind, an alicorn.

    You guys, I am really not disappointed by fate at all.

  9. gnidrah says:

    It won’t let me have a future šŸ˜¦

    Stop deleting my answers, MASH thing.

  10. nastyemu says:

    I didn’t do it right, but I won.

  11. old man fatima says:

    Mine’s pretty great. I will work as a floor licker in Cuba until I die of cute overload. I’m going to have 3 kids with Lief from Vikings and we will travel by teleportation. I can really get behind this, floor licker aside. Maybe I will be licking floors in a chocolate factory? Might not be so bad.

  12. I have to marry Carrot Top you guys šŸ˜¦

  13. mordonez says:

    You know, I don’t know how this works out better? http://tinypic.com/r/2eoyuqp/8

  14. Well, I’m pretty sure I lost. I’m continuing the farmer trend – on a CAFO; I’m married to a random Kardashian, and we (and our 3 kids) travel by rickshaw. At least I can look forward to the sweet release the heart attack will bring…

  15. Commentatrix says:

    Awww I want to play Russian roulette with my destiny so much! But I’m on my phone all day and it’s too much of a pain…

  16. hotspur says:

    This was a disaster. I got my worst-case scenario in 5 of 7 categories. And I made them pretty bad! But at least I live in a mansion, have a boat, and live until Halley’s Comet comes back. Which I guess it hits the Earth? Sorry you guys, I killed us all! šŸ˜¦ http://s5.postimg.org/4pxru5ovb/Mash.png

    • Jimeno AraƱamonje says:

      The comet probably just swoops down to knock you on the head before whizzing out of the inner solar system again because if it killed us all, I’d die, and I can’t because the MASHgods made me immortal.

      • hotspur says:

        Maybe after Earth is atomized, you spend eternity twirling, twirling through the vacuum of space.

        • hotspur says:

          Oh shoot, I just darko’d 101percentjuice’s demise which also is evidence indicating the Earth only has till Bill Halley’s Comet gets back.

        • Jimeno AraƱamonje says:

          It’s possible, but there are no penguin entrails to read in space and I refuse to believe that the MASHgods would be so cruel as to damn me to life everlasting without even the comfort of the purpose for which they created me in the first place.

  17. 101percentjuice says:


    this is legally binding, right?

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