I know. I KNOW! Germany plays the USA today, and let’s just say that here in New England (from whence I make today’s report), my World Cup draw is not the local fan favorite. And hey, I’m no traitor. USA ALL THE WAY, BABY. I have faith that we may, if given a clean shot and the mercy of the Blessed Baby Jesus, at least, you know, not shame ourselves on the national stage. #USMNT #IBelieveWeCanWin #ObligatoryClearEyesFullHeartsNonsense
I’m as patriotic as the next gal!
But let’s just stop for a moment and think of all the nice things Germany has given us.
#1: Perspective. Yes, our Congress is inept. But things could always be worse! (You know what I’m talking about so we won’t go into the messy bits.) #2: Oktoberfest!!!!! Whoooooo!!!! Look how much fun everybody here is having, Germany is an eternal party, all the joy, all the triumphs of the heroes of old! Beer beer beer, we love beer in America and also hotties!!! Yeah, German bro, cool beer/hotties!!!
And #3: This adorable video where Germans try to say the word “squirrel.” OMG, they can’t do it. This is so cute, guys. These crazy krauts, it’s like the war never happened.
So as we root against Germany today,
as the airborn Hitler mutagen swirls in eddies around your mouth and nostrils, slowly turning your mustache stiff and blacker than before, let’s just also take a moment to raise a glass of summertime Hefeweizen to our once and future enemies. Cheers, Germany. May the best team win.
(THESE COLORS DON’T RUN! )