On the Rhineland and the Conflicted Passions it Inspires

I know.  I KNOW!  Germany plays the USA today, and let’s just say that here in New England (from whence I make today’s report), my World Cup draw is not the local fan favorite.  And hey, I’m no traitor.  USA ALL THE WAY, BABY.  I have faith that we may, if given a clean shot and the mercy of the Blessed Baby Jesus, at least, you know, not shame ourselves on the national stage.  #USMNT #IBelieveWeCanWin #ObligatoryClearEyesFullHeartsNonsense

I’m as patriotic as the next gal!

But let’s just stop for a moment and think of all the nice things Germany has given us.

#1: Perspective.  Yes, our Congress is inept.  But things could always be worse!  (You know what I’m talking about so we won’t go into the messy bits.)  #2: Oktoberfest!!!!!  Whoooooo!!!!  Look how much fun everybody here is having, Germany is an eternal party, all the joy, all the triumphs of the heroes of old!  Beer beer beer, we love beer in America and also hotties!!!  Yeah, German bro, cool beer/hotties!!!

And #3: This adorable video where Germans try to say the word “squirrel.”  OMG, they can’t do it.  This is so cute, guys.  These crazy krauts, it’s like the war never happened.

So as we root against Germany today, as the airborn Hitler mutagen swirls in eddies around your mouth and nostrils, slowly turning your mustache stiff and blacker than before, let’s just also take a moment to raise a glass of summertime Hefeweizen to our once and future enemies.  Cheers, Germany.  May the best team win.




About mrsberesford

Mrs. Beresford started out life as an accidental blackmailer (all in search of adventure and money) and can often be found hiding in cupboards or listening in on calls to the Home Office. She lives in San Francisco with several potted plants and Albert, her long-suffering valet.
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20 Responses to On the Rhineland and the Conflicted Passions it Inspires

  1. flanny says:

    As a proud German-American, I’m really excited for this match because no matter what my team will win. Jawohl, dudes!!!

  2. I can’t wait until USA scores its first goal and I can gauge how many other people are watching at their desks!

  3. I can’t watch at work, and I’m glad, because events like these just reinforce the fact that I don’t have what it takes to be a sportsball fan. It’s too stressful!

  4. I love Hefeweizen, but I love America more.

  5. old man fatima says:

    In Germans’ defense, it’s a really hard word to say! I used to have a lot of problems with squirrel and quarter. I’m totally over it now though 8)

    • old man fatima says:

      THAT WAS MEANT TO BE COOL GUY SUNGLASSES SMILEY FACE!! Now I look like a fooooooool!!!

  6. FRQ says:

    I believe Germany and the US get in with a tie, so isn’t the ideal scenario having both teams sit in the middle of the field and play Tiddlywinks for 90 minutes?

  7. Casey says:

    If you’re still not sure who to root for after that Tom Cruise pic, this flowchart may be helpful: https://twitter.com/FauxPelini/status/482002993315729408

  8. hotspur says:

    I love spaetzle and the Beatles, and Germany gave us both of those (I am stretching with the Beatles), so it is okay if the US only ties them, but let’s face facts: these teams are merely vying to determine who will be crushed by Greece in the final match of this World Cup tournament.

    I’d stay to trash-talk more but halftime is over and my ruthless Spartan trash talk overwhelming all your opposition is a foregone conclusion so c’mon, Greece is gonna show its restrained Athenian side and spare you the indignity.

    • I love spaetzle too. My grandmother makes it with cracker crumbs on top and it’s better than I’ve ever had it anywhere (including Germany!).

    • frauberesford says:

      Oh, is the last game of the World Cup a test of naval prowess? Are we to pitch our fleets against one another at Salamis? Weird, because that’s the most recent Greek victory I can think of.

  9. Casey says:

    Another nice thing Germany (kind of) gave us: Dee Dee Ramone! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TD2wU03wJYg

  10. catweazle says:

    Germany gave us like 40% of my DNA what more do you need to know?

  11. I was all ready to be sad at us losing, but I don’t have to be because MATH. Or something. I have no idea, it felt really anti-climactic.

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