That’s right, Greece is going home. They tied Costa Rica 1-1 and Costa Rica “won” via penalty shootout. You think this means Greece is vanquished, never to be heard from again? What an interesting point of view. Allow me to buy you a cup of coffee and listen to you expound.
Ohhhh, look at that. Something as basic as the coffee you drink every day is inescapably tied to Greece. Well, don’t act surprised, because it’s not just coffee. Almost everything you experience every day is a direct result of Greece. The Olympics, democracy (it’s a Greek word), heliocentrism (also a Greek word, because while other people were pretty sure “stone ax” was as good as it was ever gonna get, Greeks were discovering the solar system), geometry, philosophy, decent boats, medicine, logic, the one or two chapters of the Bible where it’s not just goddamn lunacy, and even matter itself as currently conceived. Yes: A Greek named Democritus figured out atoms in 400 BC. Atoms. He couldn’t see them, he just knew. The rest of the world caught up to Democritus in 1799. Good job, morons. Stop acting all badass because Costa Rica scored one goal, and scroll through just a handful of the stuff you have thanks to Greece:
That’s right, guess what: Science fiction was invented by a Greek dude named Lucien of Samosata, who wrote a book about flying to the moon in the second century. Suck it, Jules Verne! Of the Eight Wonders of the Ancient World, how many do you think were Greek? Ten? Of the Eight Wonders of the Modern World, how many would exist without Greece? Less than zero, because if there’d been no Greece you’d be living under a mat of sticks and crying whenever you heard thunder.
So why is Greece leaving Brazil? Only because the game went to a penalty shootout — a dice-roll, a coin toss. Costa Rica knew they could not outlast the inventors of the marathon, nor out-heroics those who’ve lived The Odyssey, nor in any way catch the conceivers of Zeno’s Paradox; Costa Rica is but a hurricane-swept wasteland of chattering birds and tiny monkeys who will steal your sunglasses if you pass out, so penalty kicks is how they do it.
And — okay you guys, bring it in, take a knee, listen while I whisper reverently for a paragraph: I’m giving a very real shout-out to Theofaniz Gekas, #17. In minute 109, Gekas kicked a ball while it was held by the enemy goalie, which you absolutely cannot do. A simple reflex on his part? Villainy? The goalie was struck and threw the ball out of bounds just to get rid of it so he could do the rolling around making faces thing. Medics rushed in. It did not look good. Incredibly, the ref did not call a foul on Gekas — and a minute later the goalie was miraculously fine. So what did Gekas do next? He took the throw-in where the goalie hurled it out — and instead of passing it to his own team, he lobbed it back at the goalie. An apology. In a tied elimination game. So the goalie placed it and kicked it, like he would have had the foul been official. That’s called character and Greeks are full of it because their Iliad teaches nothing else. Maybe.
Anyway, Costa Rica advances to play Holland, which is going to be a lot of work. The Greek team gets to go relax at home, which looks like this:
Jesus, who wouldn’t lose? You think about that, and you take a sip of your coffee. Oh, and while you’re at it, maybe wipe away the thick, obscuring steam on that cup and see what it really says.
Congrats, Costa Rica. Facing Holland means that you have captured the honor of being a ritual sacrifice to the futbol gods.
And that’s almost that. I have but one task left — as I’d be remiss if I did not close with, for the ladies (and some of the dudes!), a hot Greek soccerman. Panagiotis Kone. He’s hot, right? I have no idea. What you ladies want is a mystery to me.
Aaaaand for the gents (and Sapphos among us!) this total Greek sex goddess: