It’s back and it’s got me right where it left me: on my couch, chatting with Manners. It’s not great, it’s not even that good, but Under the Dome is on CBS and I’m watching it. Here’s a brief summary of what happened Monday night:
Oh, you want a longer explanation?
So we open at the close of last year’s finale, with Barbie on the gallows and Big Jim screaming for blood. Junior, gape jawed as always, has his finger on the lever. But wait! There’s some big explosion, and the total darkness the town was in has lifted. But more wait! Now half of the people in the town faint! What does it mean? We never actually find out. This show is awesome. Also, despite the fact that town has been under a dome for TWO WHOLE WEEKS, we’re introduced to a weird guy we’ve never seen before living in a cabin.
So gear shift, and we’re back with Julia (aka Gordon) Shumway. Our Lady of Perpetually Lovely Hair has driven her boat onto the shores of Bird Lake, suspiciously near our newfound weird guy, when someone starts flopping around in the water. Despite the fact that Shumway is recovering from a gunshot wound to the chest and has a boat right next to her, she immediately jumps in the water to save this person and drags yet another new character up on the shore. She and Cabin Boy share some exposition that explains nothing, and we’re back to the center of town.
The dome is having a major freak out and starts acting as a magnet. As things start flying, Junior realizes Barbie perhaps isn’t as bad as Big Jim. But the day is really saved by Linda, who finally starts doing her job. That blessing is short-lived, because while they run to the edge of the dome to find out why metal stuff is flying through the air, Linda gets pinned (by not letting go of keys) to the dome and she’s hit by either a Chevy Silverado or a Ford F-150 (they look alike and I can’t remember at this point because it’s all so stupid!).
Big Jim, recognizing his coup has failed, flees back to his bunker to arm himself against the tide of public opinion. But the dome has other plans. All this flying metal traps him in the basement, leading to a very surreal argument with Dodie, a character he killed last season. His classic response is the quote in the title. It was delivered masterfully. But he blows up the door and gets out.
OMG. There is still so much show to go!
Ok, Shumway leaves Cabin Boy to see if Barbie is dead or alive, and maybe settle the score with Big Jim. After she leaves, Cabin Boy (who is at least in his 40s) looks over the girl they pulled out of the lake strangely and then pulls out a scrapbook. But rather than pictures of Grandma at Christmas and Uncle Dave drinking a beer and smoking a cigarette in 70s short shorts, it’s pretty much a murder book full of disturbing pictures including 4 bloody palm prints and a sketch of the girl they pulled out of the lake! But then, he goes to check on her and she’s gone! What a weirdo!
Barbie finds the kids, who were trapped in Joe’s house during the magnetic storm. The dome pulled all the metal out of the house and Barbie and his new AP Physics Teacher Lady Friend (who we’ve also NEVER SEEN BEFORE!) rescue the kids just before the house collapses. Angie runs to find a gun and runs into Junior, who says “I know I wasn’t on board with that whole killing my dad plan before, but I’d still like in on it if there’s a slot open for me.”* As they run to the town center, they both faint as well. Big Jim, running from the ghost of Dodie, sees his son lying on the ground. Junior, meanwhile, dreams? hallucinates? trips balls? and imagines another town where his mom is still alive. She tells him she never left him…and then we cut back to Big Jim. Jim sees the ghost of Linda (she just died! Let her get situated in the afterlife!) who tells him the only way to bring everyone back is to sacrifice himself. Big Jim climbs the gallows and puts the noose around his neck. DUM DUM DUUUUUUUMMMMM!!
Then we were treated to this commercial for Hay Day. I don’t understand it.
Barbie and Shumway reunite after Teacher Lady’s idea to build a big magnet to reverse the polarity (I have no idea) goes awry. They hug and kiss, and it’s lovely. Then they run to the center of town just in time to see Big Jim on the gallows. Barbie says he won’t help him kill himself (Big Jim’s arms are too short to reach the lever, see?) but Shumway’s all like, “I ain’t got no problem with this.”* But it turns out that she does, so Big Jim stomps on the trap door until it gives and he starts to slowly strangle. Shumway uses a knife the Cabin Boy gave her and he drops. Everyone awakens, and we’re still under the dome.
Back at the inexplicably well stocked diner, Stephen King stops in for a cameo and a cup of coffee. Big Jim tries to make nice with everyone he tried to kill, and apparently Junior and Angie are over that whole “you kidnapped me” thing.
Cabin Boy comes into the diner and it turns out that he’s Junior’s reclusive Uncle Sam. He asks if anyone’s seen a brown-haired teenager. The people in town don’t think it’s odd that an adult is asking about a teenage girl. He gives Junior a hug, eyes Big Jim, and leaves. Angie closes up for the night and takes out the trash (to empty trash cans as Manners mentioned. I guess trash service goes on normally UNDER THE DOME) and sees the weird lake girl wandering the streets. She chases the girl into the school, and tries to get her to stop running away. The weird girl is looking in one particular locker, turns to Angie, widens her eyes and then runs away again. It’s what she knows. Angie stops to look inside the locker the girl was focused on and sees something shocking! We don’t learn what it is! Then she turns and sees someone off camera. We don’t learn who it is! She screams, we see an ax, and then she leaves a bloody hand print JUST LIKE THE ONE IN THE MURDER BOOK AT UNCLE SAM’S! End scene.
A lot of stuff happened in this episode, and, unusually for UtD it felt decently plotted and paced. We did lose two series regulars, so I’m not sure what that means for the rest of the cast. There was not a lot of time wasted on explanations, which is good because frankly, how do you explain any of this? I just tried and I’m sure I didn’t even do it that well. Anyway, if you enjoy absolute jackassery, meet me here next week!
*this wasn’t their actual dialog, but I couldn’t be bothered to write it down when all this craziness was happening in front of me. Big Jim’s line though? CLASSIC. I will be using it this summer.