Hello, Homeless Monsters and Happy Monday! How was your weekend? Mine was nice! I got a pedicure and went to the library and went to see “Snowpiercer,” which was very good! I also saw another film via Netflix, which I won’t name because it was very upsetting, especially THAT ONE SCENE and then that OTHER ONE and a few more, which all together* really took the cake of how much tragedy even a technically “good movie” has any right to bombard the viewer with before it becomes “good, I guess, if you don’t mind being forced to confront the real-life potential for some really intense dark shit that’s as we speak gently scratching at the weak place inside most human beings, lying in wait for a scenario just heinous enough to grant it brain-approved justification for bursting forth, but really it’s a very good movie.”
THE POINT IS! that while watching this movie (really, very good), I kept thinking, “Just leave town, Protagonist! Just pack your shit and put a lot of pavement between yourself and Conflict!” I had a lot more opinions about it, as I am wont to do, but they were all falling on deaf make-believe character ears, needless to say. If only I could sit Protagonist down and offer the much-needed advice that no one in the whole goddamn script ever thought to suggest.
Which brings me to what I came here to propose: Let’s have a Homeless Monsters advice column!
We Homeless Monsters are living, breathing humans with literally tens of decisions demanding our input on a daily basis. Should we have fontina cheese or havarti on our turkey sandwich? Should we sing “Killer Queen” or play it safe with “All of Me” at Karaoke tonight? Should we go on a second date with that attractive but boring person or just take in a chill evening of white wine and knitting (ladies)/beer and porn (gents)? It’s a lot of pressure! So why not let me relieve you of some of it!
Here’s how it will work: you ask me a question via e-mail at email@example.com, I mull it over and tell you what to do on Monday, right here on this blog, and you will then do that thing or not do that thing! So simple! And everyone is free to weigh in on your predicament in the comments! You don’t even have to give me your real HM name if you don’t want to!
Your questions can be silly:
I’m feeling kinda sad tonight and I’d rather feel happy. What movie should I watch?
Or a liiiiittle more serious:
I went to
“Snowpiercer” a random motion picture last night with a male friend who I think like likes me but has never said so, and I don’t want him to because I don’t want to have the awkward conversation where I have to tell him I only like him as a friend, I’d rather just communicate my ‘just friends’ stance in indirect ways like paying for my own drinks and casually flirting with other men when we hang out together. So but during the movie I leaned forward in my seat for a few minutes — back issues, you know? — and he started caressing my back in, like, a very couple-y kind of way? And it made me feel really weird and horrified? And I reacted like, “HAHA, what are you doing?!? LOL!” pretty much verbatim until he took his hand off my person. My question is, Do you think it’s time to address the issue head on or should I keep playing it aloof and pretend like I have no idea he has designs? The movie really wasn’t ‘Snowpiercer.’
Totally hypothetical example but you guys get it!
But I can see you’re still feeling a little uneasy about the whole thing, so let me dispel your fears with this: I am uniquely, if not THE MOST, qualified to be giving people advice. Let me count the ways:
1. I have a lot of regrets and a lot of ideas for how to fix them once I get my do-over time machine, any day now.
2. I have limited life experience but just as much experience observing the mistakes of others and being too much of a risk-avoider to copy them.
3. I skipped the 6th grade.
4. I take in A LOT of fiction.
5. I wear glasses and not like Zooey Deschanel on “New Girl” wears glasses, either. These glasses = WISDOM! And they are MANDATORY WHEN I DRIVE (GENTLEMEN)!
But seriously. Like any of my five closest friends will tell you, my life may be a hot shambles,*** but boy do I know how to absolutely nail it when it comes to telling other people what they should do!****
So go ahead and e-mail me your questions, and I promise to treat all of them with all the compassion, sensitivity and whimsy that I possess. But seriously, e-mail me your questions, though. It would be pretty embarrassing to have written a 1023-word entreaty if you guys don’t e-mail me your fucking questions hahaha right?*****
Feel free to use the comments to tell me how your weekend was or, you know, to give hypothetical advice to my 100% hypothetical scenario up there.
*I am referring here to all of these scenes taken as one movie-adding-up-to whole, not to be confused with the adverb ‘altogether,’ which technically could also work in this sentence syntactically but certainly not, um, semantically? What I’m trying to say is I know how to spell and use ‘altogether,’ and I am deliberately not right now.
**SPOILER: Also, if you don’t mind graphic movie violence against animals, which I very much do, and it was horrible, and I Jewish-mother-style kissed my dog’s face for like an hour after watching it, so view at your own risk if you must.
***They wouldn’t actually say that because they’re kind, but their eyes practically have it tattooed on their forehead!
****Here is where the friends in question would likely give each other the ol’ “silent side-eye,” if they were ever in the same room together.
*****I mean, there’ll definitely be an advice column next week, because I am NOT above fabricating one in order to save face.