Announcing new segment or maybe I’m just embarrassing myself

Hello, Homeless Monsters and Happy Monday! How was your weekend? Mine was nice! I got a pedicure and went to the library and went to see “Snowpiercer,” which was very good! I also saw another film via Netflix, which I won’t name because it was very upsetting, especially THAT ONE SCENE and then that OTHER ONE and a few more, which all together* really took the cake of how much tragedy even a technically “good movie” has any right to bombard the viewer with before it becomes “good, I guess, if you don’t mind being forced to confront the real-life potential for some really intense dark shit that’s as we speak gently scratching at the weak place inside most human beings, lying in wait for a scenario just heinous enough to grant it brain-approved justification for bursting forth, but really it’s a very good movie.”

THE POINT IS! that while watching this movie (really, very good), I kept thinking, “Just leave town, Protagonist! Just pack your shit and put a lot of pavement between yourself and Conflict!” I had a lot more opinions about it, as I am wont to do, but they were all falling on deaf make-believe character ears, needless to say. If only I could sit Protagonist down and offer the much-needed advice that no one in the whole goddamn script ever thought to suggest.

Which brings me to what I came here to propose: Let’s have a Homeless Monsters advice column!

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Sort of like Abby except way less of a fucking buzzkill

We Homeless Monsters are living, breathing humans with literally tens of decisions demanding our input on a daily basis. Should we have fontina cheese or havarti on our turkey sandwich? Should we sing “Killer Queen” or play it safe with “All of Me” at Karaoke tonight? Should we go on a second date with that attractive but boring person or just take in a chill evening of white wine and knitting (ladies)/beer and porn (gents)? It’s a lot of pressure! So why not let me relieve you of some of it!

Here’s how it will work: you ask me a question via e-mail at askcommentatrix@gmail.com, I mull it over and tell you what to do on Monday, right here on this blog, and you will then do that thing or not do that thing! So simple! And everyone is free to weigh in on your predicament in the comments! You don’t even have to give me your real HM name if you don’t want to!

Your questions can be silly:

I’m feeling kinda sad tonight and I’d rather feel happy. What movie should I watch?

Or a liiiiittle more serious:

I went to “Snowpiercer” a random motion picture last night with a male friend who I think like likes me but has never said so, and I don’t want him to because I don’t want to have the awkward conversation where I have to tell him I only like him as a friend, I’d rather just communicate my ‘just friends’ stance in indirect ways like paying for my own drinks and casually flirting with other men when we hang out together. So but during the movie I leaned forward in my seat for a few minutes — back issues, you know? — and he started caressing my back in, like, a very couple-y kind of way? And it made me feel really weird and horrified? And I reacted like, “HAHA, what are you doing?!? LOL!” pretty much verbatim until he took his hand off my person. My question is, Do you think it’s time to address the issue head on or should I keep playing it aloof and pretend like I have no idea he has designs? The movie really wasn’t ‘Snowpiercer.’

Totally hypothetical example but you guys get it!

But I can see you’re still feeling a little uneasy about the whole thing, so let me dispel your fears with this: I am uniquely, if not THE MOST, qualified to be giving people advice. Let me count the ways:

1. I have a lot of regrets and a lot of ideas for how to fix them once I get my do-over time machine, any day now.

2. I have limited life experience but just as much experience observing the mistakes of others and being too much of a risk-avoider to copy them.

3. I skipped the 6th grade.

4. I take in A LOT of fiction.

5. I wear glasses and not like Zooey Deschanel on “New Girl” wears glasses, either. These glasses = WISDOM! And they are MANDATORY WHEN I DRIVE (GENTLEMEN)!

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But seriously. Like any of my five closest friends will tell you, my life may be a hot shambles,*** but boy do I know how to absolutely nail it when it comes to telling other people what they should do!****

So go ahead and e-mail me your questions, and I promise to treat all of them with all the compassion, sensitivity and whimsy that I possess. But seriously, e-mail me your questions, though. It would be pretty embarrassing to have written a 1023-word entreaty if you guys don’t e-mail me your fucking questions hahaha right?*****

Feel free to use the comments to tell me how your weekend was or, you know, to give hypothetical advice to my 100% hypothetical scenario up there.

________

*I am referring here to all of these scenes taken as one movie-adding-up-to whole, not to be confused with the adverb ‘altogether,’ which technically could also work in this sentence syntactically but certainly not, um, semantically? What I’m trying to say is I know how to spell and use ‘altogether,’ and I am deliberately not right now.

**SPOILER: Also, if you don’t mind graphic movie violence against animals, which I very much do, and it was horrible, and I Jewish-mother-style kissed my dog’s face for like an hour after watching it, so view at your own risk if you must.

***They wouldn’t actually say that because they’re kind, but their eyes practically have it tattooed on their forehead!

****Here is where the friends in question would likely give each other the ol’ “silent side-eye,” if they were ever in the same room together.

*****I mean, there’ll definitely be an advice column next week, because I am NOT above fabricating one in order to save face.

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About Commentatrix

First-wave millennial.
This entry was posted in Introductions, Uncategorized and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

43 Responses to Announcing new segment or maybe I’m just embarrassing myself

  1. I love this idea! And I definitely need advice, even though that advice is pretty much always “Stop being lazy and just do the thing you need to do already.”

  2. FRQ says:

    This is a fantastic idea. Engadget used to have a segment called Ask Engadget, where they would post a user’s question every week, and in addition to giving advice, commenters were encouraged to chime in with their recommendations. We do this all the time in the How Was Your Day posts, so why not make it official, right?

  3. I like this idea too because I LOVE advice columns!

  4. Erika says:

    “really took the cake of how much tragedy even a technically “good movie” has any right to bombard the viewer with”

    Welcome to Danish cinema.

    I’m actually kind of surprised Mads was in such a movie. The Danish movies I’ve seen him in broke the mold in actually having a damn point and not making you want to kill yourself. For a total “WTF is he doing?” experience, you should watch The Green Butchers

    • Erika says:

      Also Valhalla Rising is a really great Mads movie, although it’s not Danish.

      • Commentatrix says:

        I have Valhalla Rising in my queue!

      • summerestherson says:

        Have y’all seen A Royal Affair?? It will make you cry sad, salty tears and also make you go, “DAMN MADS MIKKELSEN YOU ARE WAY HOTTER THAN I THOUGHT???” There are also pretty costumes.

        • catweazle says:

          I am personally a fan of After the Wedding for my Mads fix.

        • Commentatrix says:

          Haven’t heard of this one. Will rectify immediately!

        • Commentatrix says:

          I have seen it! I loved it! (Almost as much as The Young Victoria, but you just can’t touch my girl Emmy Blunt, though!)

        • Yes, A Royal Affair is so good! But so, so sad.

        • summerestherson says:

          YES THE YOUNG VICTORIA IS MY JAM TOO!!!

        • Commentatrix says:

          I know, you and I have had this exchange before, summerestherson! Love it! And ditto to crying fat old tears for both it and Royal Affair.

        • old man fatima says:

          I watched Young Victoria last month because you ladies were talking about it and yes So good!! Also, did anyone see the Anna Karenina with Keira Knightley? It was very very good, and so creatively filmed! I loved it!

        • Commentatrix says:

          I wanted to love that AK rendition, I really did! But it just didn’t really connect with me on a chemical level or something bci find myself not especially rooting for Anna and Vronsky and in face feeling kind of sorry for Karenin. Which is kinda the opposite of how I should have felt, I’m pretty sure. But the art direction or whatever it’s called was indeed really cool.

        • summerestherson says:

          Anna Karenina was super aesthetically beautiful and those tracking shots through the theatre were “hella dope” as Tolstoy would def. say.

        • Commentatrix says:

          Good heavens, but I really outdid myself on typo-density in that last comment! You all can probably unscramble the gibberish though. We all be well-versed in autocorrect linguistic patterns, I think.

        • Erika says:

          Having read Anna Karenina I’m not really sure you are supposed to identify with Anna and Vronsky. It definitely does not come across as a great romance. If anything, Levin/Kitty was more of a pulled heartstrings relationship from my perspective, but then I’m always rooting for the “wrong” couple in these stories. I hated Heathcliff/Catherine and vastly preferred Hareton/Catherine the Younger. Heathcliff and Catherine deserved each other in all the worst possible ways.

          Anyway, Karenin seems like a really great guy in comparison; I don’t know if the movie mentions it but he basically immediately feels a loving paternal instinct toward Vronsky’s/Anna’s daughter when he first sees her. So maybe this means the movie was more true to the book?

        • Commentatrix says:

          Interesting, interesting. Yes. This is where I am exposed for the fraud I am and admit that I haven’t read this book nor anything by any Russian! Oops! There are such big gaps in my Done Read It File: The Canon, you guys!

          But what you’re telling me does explain the movie a lot more to me! But it still doesn’t change the fact that FOR A MOVIE LIKE THAT, I thought I’d at least be watching a crazy intense romance (Heathcliff and Catherine had that much at least), and I expected the on-screen sexual chem to be like, whoa! Sizzle me timbers! Too hot to quit it! Instead it was just like boy becomes obsessed with married girl at first sight and they immediately start to fuck a lot. No relationship development at all. I hate that!

        • Yeah, that was my main problem with the movie as well–everything moved WAY too fast to have any emotional resonance for me. And I remember reading an interview with Joe Wright where he said that it was important to him to include the complete side plot with Levin and Kitty, which most versions cut down a lot, and while I understand that…there’s a reason the film versions of ridiculously long Russian novels are usually somewhat incomplete. You can’t just cram everything into a two-hour movie and expect it to work.

        • summerestherson says:

          @erika

          I totally agree! Vronsky can suck an egg.

          I read the book last year for the first time and what struck me the most about it is how pretty much all the characters are shown to be fairly unsympathetic at points! When Levin KICKED A GUY OUT OF HIS HOUSE for like, daring to speak to Kitty I wanted to scream.

          I think the only characters that are sympathetic the entire way through the book are *maybe* Kitty and Dolly. (Poor Dolly!)

          That’s actually one of the things I liked about the book. They’re people who have major flaws, but you can also feel empathy and sympathy for them.

          Like, Karenin’s kind of a dick for not letting Anna see Seryozha (sp?) or granting her a divorce, but at the same time, he’s totally sympathetic because he was completely cuckolded but still loved and supported Anna’s baby with Vronsky (like you said.)

          Anna is sympathetic for the most part but she’s also seen as kind of disconnected from reality and selfish.

          I think the movie was really beautiful to look at, but I think it was missing some emotional nuance because it was so caught up in “we’re doing a cool thing with the staging.”

  5. Commentatrix says:

    Ah, blimey! I forgot the in-text citation for footnote #2 at the end of the first paragraph! Just imagine two asteriskssses right there, yeah?

  6. Commentatrix says:

    Guys, just a friendly reminder that I’ve sanctioned this to double as a “how was your weekend” thread, so don’t be shy. Get in there! Get weird!

  7. old man fatima says:

    What a great idea!! I am sure I will be spamming you so hard you’ll never be able to keep up, my entire life is a comedic disaster. Plus I’m dating again now! Hold on to your shorts, everyone!

    My weekend was great. I moved into my new house. Super exhausted and sore everywhere but I love love love this place! I thought it would be a big downgrade because it’s so much smaller, but it is charming and cozy and so so cute and all of my furniture actually fits in it (the other house was mostly empty space because one girl does not have enough stuff to fill a 5 bedroom house). I’m patching walls this week and painting next week and I’m soooooooo excited!!

  8. frauberesford says:

    I am definitely psyched for an advice column – good idea, Commentatrix!

    Also my weekend was pretty sweet. I went wine tasting (if you’ll notice a pattern, I am often wine tasting, because there’s only one life to live, unless reincarnation is real, in which there are even more wines I will be able to try over the course of several lives, and god is good! #blessed #soblessed), and then I spent all Sunday reading in my bed! My beautiful blingee was correct: Today Mrs. Beresford is a WORLD CHAMP.

  9. Mintie says:

    I want to add my voice to the choir of people saying – Good Idea! Advice Columns Rule!

    Also, my weekend was pretty great, plenty of fuuuhhhtttballl watching and hanging out with the new-ish ladyfriend who is also my ex. Things are going very well! We walked around some beaches and bushland and ate sandwiches looking at the water, which I think is something people in relationships do sometimes? I’ve also skipped going to the gym the last two days, and it feels great! The best thing about having a tendency to schedule too much and being a super demanding person to yourself is that what is a normal morning for most people feels like a treat.

  10. Yay for advice! This will be fun.

    My weekend was good Saturday, but migraine-filled on Sunday. It doesn’t help that I was determined to watch the game while having the migraine. On Saturday I accidentally got very drunk while watching the netherlands. Always measure when you make cocktails!

  11. smacky says:

    I too think I could use some advice, and my weekend was awesome! We had friends visit and they too have two boys and all the kids tired each other out and went to sleep in the same room. That is summer in a nutshell.

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