Like, the heaviest breathing. Like, one or both of them may have some sort of lung disease heavy breathing. Like, pervert on the phone heavy breathing. Marissa and Ryan are officially a Couple now and they are celebrating by making out in the poolhouse. They take a kissing break to talk about how Marissa hasn’t talked to her mom in a while and how much she hates her mom and how she needs to get back to her dad’s shitty apartment soon and then Ryan suggests that they go on a real date this weekend and then they start making out again and aren’t they lucky they have a whole poolhouse to themselves to pant into each other’s mouths while they dry hump? Really the setup could not be any better. There’s nothing at all that could get in the way of their heavy petting.
Marissa hustles on out of there while Kirsten awkwardly stammers an apology and then looks at Ryan and says “This never happened with Seth!” Nobody gets in a better Seth burn than his mother, and for that I appreciate her.
The next morning Kirsten fills Sandy in on last night’s sexy surprise. She asks him to have a special chat with Ryan about the “s” word and Sandy is like “Heh heh, I think Ryan already knows what he’s doing!” and Kirsten is like “Not sex tips, you idiot, groundrules for fucking under our roof!” Sandy is like “Oh so if we’re not getting down, nobody can?” Apparently there has been no parental lovemaking in the Cohen household lately, and they both blame each other for spending too much time at work. They try to fix it by scheduling an 8 ‘o clock sex date and then start smooching. Ryan walks in and is like “My how the tables have turned! BTW, thanks for being so cool about me getting busy in the poolhouse! It’s nice to know that I’m allowed to do whatever!”
At school, Ryan fills Seth in on all of these events and he’s like “OMGOMG did you guys Do It yet? No? But you have Done It before, right?” Ryan is like “Duh” and Seth keeps spewing out dorky questions, like “So was having sex the best?” and Ryan is like “Which time?” and Seth is like “THERE WAS MORE THAN ONE TIME? HOW MANY TIMES?” and Ryan is like “Same girl or different girl?” and Seth is like
We move from this hilarity to Summer and Marissa’s discussion of the same event. If there is ever an episode of The OC that doesn’t include parallel Ryan/Seth Marissa/Summer conversations while they walk around the school I may die of fright, btw. Summer asks why Marissa hasn’t banged Ryan yet and she says she’s not ready and besides they haven’t even had their first date yet. Summer is like “Ryan is from Chino where they don’t even have a P.F. Chang’s, what the fuck kind of hobo date is he going to take you on?”
They catch up with the boys and Seth, for reasons best known to whoever wrote this episode, tells Marissa that Ryan has planned a whole big thing for their date and it’s going to be the best night of her life. Ryan is like
Meanwhile Sandy is going over lawsuit stuff with Rachel at the office. She rambles on about something wetlandy and Sandy is like “Terrific, I’ll look into that tomorrow.” Rachel asks why he can’t do it now, and Sandy admits he has a “date” with Kirsten. Rachel, fearing that subtlety is getting her nowhere, actually says “Sandy Cohen, you’re cheating on me!” He just chuckles but she’s like “Give me a break, it’s not like it’s your anniversary, and we have that big settlement conference with them tomorrow!” Sandy relents and agrees to stay late.
At the Newport Group HQ, Kirsten comes into Caleb’s office and is shocked and horrified to see that Julie Cooper is there. Julie’s like “Kiiiirsten, daahhhhling, your father just agreed to host the hospital benefit on his yacht, isn’t he swell?”
After kissing Caleb’s ass a little more, she leaves and Kirsten is like “Careful, pops, Julie is now going to come running to you with all of her problems forever.” Caleb does not seem concerned. Kirsten says that she came by to let him know that she can have dinner with him after all because Sandy canceled on her and Caleb is like “Oh, did he have to have sexual relations with his coworker or something?” Kirsten is like “I TRUST MY HUSBAND” and leaves.
Back at school, Anna is taking a break from giving Seth love tips to help Ryan figure out what to do for his date with Marissa, since Seth totally screwed him over. She’s like “Just take her to dinner and a movie” but Ryan doesn’t think that will be good enough. Seth is like “Well I don’t know about Marissa but Summer’s top three favorite activities are shopping, tanning and waxing.” What kind of masochist is Summer if WAXING is one of her favorite hobbies? I mean you do you girl but that’s some weird shit. Anna is like
Ryan cuts through the squabbling to share the fact that he’s never been on a date. Seth is like “But you banged all those ladies” and Ryan is like “Yup…” and Seth is like “OMG” and Ryan is like “Deal with it.”
Seth and Anna walk to class together and Seth starts talking about Summer and Anna has had it, officially. She begs him to change the subject because she doesn’t give a fuck about Summer and Seth is like “I thought we were friends why can’t I talk to you about my interests 😦 ”
Marissa comes home that evening and like Kirsten before her is shocked and horrified to find Julie hanging out with her dad. I should mention that Julie’s outfit is hilarious.
Anyway, Mr. and Mrs. C want to have a chat with Marissa about how Julie is throwing the most fabulous hospital benefit and she would just LOVE it if she came. Jimmy has already agreed to go because he’s so pathetic that he will take whatever scraps of affection anybody deigns to throw at him. Marissa is like
Julie wants to prove to everybody in the OC that the Cooper family is still the bomb in spite of all the thieving and fistfights and divorces and overdoses in foreign countries. She apologizes to Marissa about the whole trying to have her committed against her will thing and heavily hints that she wants them all to be a family again. Marissa, like her father, is very persuadable and holds hands with her mom to seal their family pact or whatever just happened.
That night she goes to the poolhouse and is like “I’m sooooo sorry Ryan but we’re going to have to cancel that spectacular mystery date you planned and go to my mom’s party instead because my parents are maybe getting back together and I’m getting my fabulous life back and won’t have to sleep on the couch in my dad’s sad apartment anymore yayayayayayayayay!” Ryan is like “Ok, have fun at the party, I’m not going, your mom hates me.” Marissa says that she needs her boyfriend and Ryan is like “BOYFRIEND????” But upon reflection he’s ok with making it official and agrees to go. She kisses his cheek and he makes THE WEIRDEST FACE.
So the next morning Seth is whining to Rosa, the maid who never gets any lines and is probably plotting to murder the whole Cohen family, about Anna saying he talks about Summer too much. Rosa’s face speaks for us all.
When she leaves, he starts whining to Ryan instead and Ryan is just like “Anna is right, you moron.” Seth is horrified to learn how obnoxious he is and resolves to take it down a notch, but immediately continues to babble about both Summer and Anna.
Outside, Sandy apologizes to Kirsten for canceling their sex date. She asks why he had to stay at work so late and he’s like “I can’t tell you for legal reasons” and Kirsten is like
She says that Rachel’s boyfriend must be super understanding to let her go lawyering around into the wee hours with a stud like Sandy, but Sandy says Rachel doesn’t have a boyfriend. Kirsten asks if Sandy is working so much because he is unhappy in their marriage and he says an emphatic nope. He also says that if their settlement conference goes well today then maybe they can finally bone later.
Ryan of course chooses the moment they start making out to come into the backyard, because this episode is all about Cohens cockblocking each other apparently.
At school Ryan tells Seth all about how he and Marissa are officially BF and GF now and that they’re going to celebrate by trapping themselves on a yacht with Julie Cooper for hours and hours. He seems very excited about it.
He then suggests that Seth invite Anna to go to the yacht party with him. He thinks this is a great idea so he finds her and apologizes for talking about Summer so much and asks if she wants to come to the party so they can quietly mock people together. She almost starts drooling at the prospect, but before she agrees she asks if Summer will be there. Seth is like “Don’t know, don’t care” and she’s so excited until Seth is like “And if anything ever happens with me and Summer I swear on our friendship that I won’t talk to you about it.” This steers her in the direction of Frown Town but she still has hope that she can seduce him.
At the much-anticipated-by-boring-people settlement conference, Rachel yammers on and on about protecting the wetlands and Caleb is like “I am old, white and rich and have predictable opinions about things like the environment.” Anyway, Rachel and Sandy make a settlement offer and Caleb is like “LOL r u guys serious? If you two horndogs couldn’t come up with a better offer than this I guess you must have been spending all those long worknights in each other’s pants!” and Kirsten is like “OH MY GOD DAD STOP EMBARRASSING ME IN FRONT OF MY BOYFRIEND” and Rachel is like
Sandy has once again had it, officially, and is like “You are an asshole dot com, how dare you try to ruin your daughter’s marriage, you haven’t seen the last of this lawsuit, P.S. I hate you!” He and Rachel leave and Caleb is like
After school Ryan is hanging out with Marissa in her old room at Julie’s house. She’s looking for something to wear to the party and Ryan is like “Have I mentioned this party is a terrible idea? I have not yet managed to go to an OC party without being at least tangentially involved in some kind of fracas and your mom already hates me!” Marissa is like “Whatevs! Don’t you just love this hideous dress my mom bought for me?”
Julie comes in and is like “OMG Marissa it’s sooooo nice to see you back in your real bedroom where you belong.” She asks Marissa to go check on Little Shailene Woodley as a pretense to have some alone time with Ryan. And for once she isn’t yelling at him or blaming him for all her problems! WTF! What show am I watching? She apologizes for being such a dick to him all the time and says she hopes they can start over by having a fabulous time at the party. Ryan says “I don’t really like boats…” but eventually agrees to come, and she gives him a big hug. Marissa comes back and is DELIGHTED to see this development.
Back at school, Anna is flirting hard at an oblivious Seth as they leave their lit mag meeting. Summer comes up and is like “Oh hi! I was just at detention because I cut school to go shopping because what life lessons am I even going to get by learning about the Ming Dynasty? That opium is gnarly?” (last bit is verbatim of course, and classic Summer). Anna is like “Condescending sarcasm!” and Summer is like “Are you making fun of me? I can’t tell” and Anna is like “Even more condescending and increasingly mean-spirited sarcasm!” but the writers decided to make Summer stupider than she actually is in this episode so she remains oblivious. Seth is uncomfortable.
Anyway, Summer asks if Seth can have a study date with her tomorrow to help her catch up and he’s like “No can do, I’ve got a boat date with Anna.”
She is so jelly that she literally runs up to the next guy who walks by and invites him to go to the party with her.
That night is a bit awkward at the Cohen house on account of how earlier Caleb accused Sandy of fucking Rachel at the settlement conference. Sandy is like “Whytf are you talking to your stupid dad about our marriage?” and Kirsten is like “Who else am I supposed to talk to? Seth?” (another sick Seth burn) and Sandy is like “Why don’t you go bone Jimmy if you’re so lonely” and Kirsten is like
She storms out and Sandy tells Ryan, who has been in the room the whole time, never to get married. They commiserate about their lady troubles and then Ryan goes to take out the trash and sees something very disturbing going on next door.
Julie sees him seeing her and makes a scary face.
The next day Marissa comes to the poolhouse to pick Ryan up for the party. They canoodle a bit and then Marissa starts babbling about how if the party goes well maybe her parents will get back together and Ryan is like “No comment.”
In the main house, Anna comes to the door and Seth is like “Are you wearing perfume? Wth?” Ryan and Marissa come in, and Marissa and Anna go to the bathroom together. Which is something that I have never done in my life and don’t really believe happens, especially when you are not going to a public bathroom but a bathroom in a private residence in which you would have no choice but to watch the other person pee, but ok. Ryan tries to get Seth to notice that Anna is sooooo beautiful but he is oblivious.
Meanwhile Sandy is over at Rachel’s, working on legal stuff and eating Chinese food. Sandy is like “Work related comments and questions, very professional words and phrases” and Rachel is like “Come down here on the floor with me and get some… food!” He’s like “No thank you. Can we just work so I can get the h out of here?” and Rachel is like
Sandy is like “More dialogue related to the lawsuit because I am ignoring your blatant advances” and Rachel finally whines enough that he sits on the floor with her to eat.
Ryan and Marissa finally arrive at the yacht party to find the rest of the Coopers greeting guests at the dock. Even Little Shailene Woodley is there, though many of us may have forgotten that she exists. She makes up for lost time by greeting Ryan with more venom than even Julie could muster on a good day and I’m just going to assume it’s because she’s Team Luke. Where is Luke anyway? I miss him 😦
Ryan and Julie share a “I know who you’re fucking” glance and in order to smooth things over, she invites him to pose in a family picture some bozo is taking for a fancy OC magazine. Ryan politely declines.
Seth introduces Anna to Caleb and Anna is like “LOL Seth told me you were a scary monster person but you seem ok” and Caleb is like “Chortle chortle chortle, you have moxie, young lady!” and I’m like why don’t these two just get married and be assholes together??
Julie tracks down Ryan to have a special chat about her on the DL graverobbing.
Summer arrives with her jock date and he is like “Woah, the ocean is so like, vast, man!” She sends him away to get drinks and then stares longingly across the boat at Seth and Anna. Marissa finds her stewing in jelly juice by herself and Summer immediately starts bitching about Anna and how she’s awful and comes from Shitsburgh. Marissa is like “Eh, I kinda like her” and Summer accuses her of only going after Seth for his grandpa’s money. Marissa may be a world class dummy but even she catches on.
Marissa decides to leave Summer to her thoughts and finds Ryan so she can continue to gush about how great it would be if her parents got back together. Ryan can’t take it anymore so he tells her not to get her hopes up and Marissa is like “JUST BECAUSE YOUR TRASH PARENTS WERE AWFUL DOESN’T MEAN MY DREAMS WON’T COME TRUE!!!!!” so Ryan finally tells her about Julie and Caleb (Juleb? Calie?). Marissa experiences many emotions and then runs off.
So it’s nighttime now but Sandy and Rachel are still working so hard on the case. Rachel pretends she needs to retrieve a document from somewhere on the floor so she can basically present her hindquarters to Sandy.
Sandy starts looking for the documents too and wouldn’t you know it, they get all tangled up! Suddenly things are looking pretty sexy on this floor. Rachel is like “Hey remember when your FIL accused us of having an affair? What a gas!” and Sandy’s like “Ugh yes, hate that guy.” Rachel is like “What ever could have given him that impression? The fact that we spend all our time together, eat our meals together, and talk on the phone like ALL the time?” and as she’s saying this she actually starts “seductively” crawling toward him. Sandy fucking finally sees what’s going on and is like “I’m out of here!” and goes to the party on the yacht instead of the one in Rachel’s pants.
Speaking of the party, Seth and Anna are there mocking all of their fellow guests for their bad toupees and fake boobs. They’re having a great time being jerks together and then Anna mentions that nobody in Pittsburgh is this awful and Seth says she must really hate living in the OC. She’s like “Well I did at first but *significant eye contact* it’s growing on me!” She tries to kiss him but he’s like “Why don’t I go get us a couple of Mountain Dews” and runs away.
Summer, whose date is now musing on the darkness of the night sky, spots him and follows him. He’s like “Oh hey Summer” and then she mouth attacks him because apparently there’s something about being at Caleb’s parties that makes her really horny for nerds. Seth is like “Wth” and Summer is like
She says that if he ever tells anybody, she’ll kill him.
Meanwhile Julie is standing in the spotlight with Caleb and Jimmy and Little Shailene Woodley making a party speech about how great everybody is for giving money to charity and how great Caleb is for hosting the party. She gets to the part in her speech about how much she loves her family and asks Marissa to come join her. Marissa is like “UGH RYAN SHE’S SUCH A B, I’M GONNA GO SABOTAGE HER!” and when Julie asks her to help announce the winners of the raffle Marissa grabs the mic and is like “Let’s first all give a round of applause to my mom! Isn’t she terrif? PS, she’s boning Caleb Nichol. Enjoy the mental image!”
Marissa runs off and everybody stands around awkwardly while Little Shailene Woodley announces that Sandy and Kirsten won a romantic getaway in the raffle.
Julie tracks down Marissa and is like “When I said I wanted us to be a family again I obviously meant all of us except your awful dad.” Marissa is like
Though you would think that with the shenanigans constantly going on at OC parties nobody would even bat an eye at this scandal, apparently it became too awkward and everybody leaves. Anna is like “OMG Seth I can’t believe you missed the revelation that Marissa may one day be your aunt! Wheretf were you?” Seth is evasive because of his whole promise to not tell Anna about him and Summer and also because Summer is standing above him doing this:
Kirsten chews Caleb out for a) dating Julie Cooper in the first place, and b) not telling her about it when this whole time he’s been throwing shade at her marriage. She tells him that outside of work she doesn’t want anything to do with him ever again.
Sandy arrives at this moment and Kirsten is like “Let’s get the h out of here, husband!” They go home and she fills him in on all of the fun he missed. He’s like “OMFG Julie Cooper might be your new mommy someday!” and Kirsten is like “Don’t make me throw up, I want to channel all of my anger into joining our genitals.” And they finally manage to Do It without getting interrupted! I’m so relieved for them.
And the episode ends as it began, with Ryan and Marissa smooching in the poolhouse. Ryan is like “Let’s spend the night! We don’t have to Do It, we could just cuddle chastely like in those Twilight books that will not be published for another couple of years!” and he asks if she snores and she says she doesn’t know because she’s never slept with anybody which is a blatant lie because they shared a sofa bed in that gross motel on the road to Tijuana, but whatever. Marissa is like “We could do that, or we could do each other” and they start making out again and it’s heavily suggested that they Go All The Way but they will retcon this in a later episode (I’ve seen this show too many times) so don’t get too excited.