It’s a Slow Day, So Let’s Talk Celebrity BS

I’m sure you’ve all heard by now that Orlando Bloom took a swing at Justin Bieber last night at a Spanish restaurant, supposedly because of words exchanged about supermodel Miranda Kerr, i.e. Bloom’s ex-wife.  TMZ (duh) has the exclusive footage of Bloom’s attempt to damage the Biebs’ million dollar face.

Newsy has tried to convince us that we should care about this, but I still don’t.  Do you?  I know it’s a little late in the day, but you could alternatively tell us what you had for lunch!


About FRQ

Once ate an entire blueberry cobbler by accident
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36 Responses to It’s a Slow Day, So Let’s Talk Celebrity BS

  1. My various social media feeds were all “Go Orlando! Woo!” and…look, I’m as anti-Bieber as the next rational person, but are we really going to pretend that a 37-year-old man trying (and apparently failing) to punch a 20-year-old kid, for whatever reason, is anything other than sad?

    Also, why is every celebrity in Ibiza right now? Have we cycled back to 2003? I refuse to wear low-rise jeans again.

  2. catweazle says:

    I wanted to write a slash fic about these two based on this situation but I am too busy this week so you’ll just have to use your imaginations 😦

    • old man fatima says:

      We can each write a few sentences, like those pass along stories from grade school.

      Justin sighed and slumped down lower in his beach chair, gazing longingly at Orlando and Leo’s squirt gun fight. “I never get invited to party with the pussy posse (not gross, not sorry),” he mumbled into his Shirley Temple. “I get way more girls than those guys. I basically *am* the pussy posse. I should start my own and not invite them. I’d only invite Miranda Kerr. And Gisele Bundchen. One more virgin daiquiri and I’m going to tell them about it, I swear to glob.”

      • Orlando felt a prickle on the back of his neck. “Is that kid still staring at me?” he asked Leo, who was in on a date with his blonde model girlfriend while simultaneously holding auditions for the position of his next, younger blonde model girlfriend.

        • catweazle says:

          “Who wouldn’t stare at you, friend?” Leo replied before kissing him on the mouth. This was a long-standing Pussy Posse tradition, and was in no way gay so long as the parties involved performed the Sacred No-Homo Handshake within thirty seconds of the embrace.

          Justin, not being allowed in the posse, didn’t know this, and when he saw the two men’s mouths meet he felt an unfamiliar tingling deep in his gut. It was almost as though… but no. It couldn’t be. He loved the pussy.

        • old man fatima says:

          Could it be possible… Could he reconcile his love of pussy with his love of the posse? Justin slammed down another Deconstructed Reconstructed Screwdriver (orange juice with more orange juice) (HE IS A CHILD) and walked over to the posse. He took a deep breath and kissed Jonah Hill right on the lips.

        • “Whoa, dude. Dude. Just, dude, whoa. Like, dude,” Jonah said. “I’m, like, just waiting for one of Leo’s castoffs, dude. Whoa. But Orli was totally checking you out earlier.”

          “I was not!” Orlando protested–a little too quickly, his face growing hot.

        • old man fatima says:

          “MIRANDA KERR WAS NOT. CHECKING YOU OUT. IS WHO WAS NOT.” Justin replied, tears stinging his eyes. He turned to walk away, grateful for his 12k$ platinum leopard print sunglasses, giving finger guns to ladies and very specifically NOT pulling up his pants.

        • Casey says:

          (Just poking my head in to say I am having a terrible day and this has lifted my spirits IMMEASURABLY. I’m not here, please continue)

  3. Sota says:

    My thought with this whole thing was…how can Bieber and Bloom be fighting over the same woman? I am aware she’s a supermodel and all, but I feel like they shouldn’t have the same dating (?) pool to be choosing from. I don’t know.

    • Sota says:

      Oh and then I saw pics of Orlando Bloom hanging out with Selena Gomez, so maybe this is just some hollywierd foursome of strange relationships.

  4. No I don’t care about Orlando and Justin and whatever else happened between the two of them. But I guess that’s better than other celebrity stuff like who gained weight and whatever? It’s all weird.

  5. taoreader says:

    This reminds me of those UFO sighting videos that are purposefully so shaky and poorly filmed that you can’t really see what’s going on. So they show it multiple times and slow it way down to try to “examine” it and convince you there’s actually something to see.

    What I’m trying to say is that Bieber is an alien.

    (I’m very proud of myself for not being sure how to spell Bieber.)

  6. Sota says:

    Guys! In case you were wondering how our favorite frolicking wedgie picker felt about this scenario…

  7. Commentatrix says:

    I still can’t believe we, as a nation, have chosen as a celebrity someone named Bieber.

    • hotspur says:

      This was Canada’s doing. We are not without flaws here in America but let’s stop acting like Canada is a goddamn saint.

      • Commentatrix says:

        Canada may have pawned off its waste on us, but we threw money and at least one virgin at it.

      • Erika says:

        Nathan Fillion, Will Arnett, and John Candy are/were Canadian, so I’ll call it a wash. Biebs is easy enough to ignore, which is really the best punishment for him.

        Although, speaking of Fillion, apparently he and Alan Tudyk were playing Halo at some con or another when Bieber’s people came in and demanded that Tudyk and Fillion leave the room to make way for Biebs and his entourage, and Fillion’s response was basically “uh, yeah, no”.

  8. My lunch was tacos with quinoa, black beans, avocado, and slaw. I made them myself. I am officially in love with kohlrabi slaw, it is the tastiest. I love love love slaw.

    Lately the “celebrities” I’m more interested in are chefs and designers and smart people. Less celebrities and more just awesome creators.

    • Erika says:

      Lately I’ve taken a specific liking to celebrities who also do cool stuff in their off-hours, like Nick Offerman.

  9. Marlasinger says:

    I’m eating hospital food because I had to come here to take care of stuff. It was $6 Chicken Cordon Bleu and it was good, probably for all the wrong reasons. I did not eat the ham part so feel I have held on to at least one of my principles. In other news, I’m noticing that the male passers-by that give me any attention (I’m hetero female) are pretty solidly coming from the maintenance man/gardener area. Which is fine, I’m just curious about why I do not attract the doctor/medical professional dudes. Perhaps it’s because I’m wearing an Old Navy dress that I used as maternity wear? That I still get highlights? That I fail to realize that “$6” and “Cordon Bleu” are words that should never be in the same sentence? I just don’t know.

  10. martinmegz says:

    I have a lunch tip to share: guacamole instead of mayo on a turkey sandwich. Pepper jack cheese. Toast/panini press. Delicious.

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