Wondering what’s in the stars for you this weekend? Wonder no more, because here I am with this weekend’s Flanoscopes. They’re like horoscopes, but they’re scalping tickets to the I ❤ Radio music festival.
Aries: March 21-April 19
Be on the lookout for showers and storms this weekend, Aries. Not just in the air, but in your goddamn *heart*.
Taurus: April 20-May 20
I know how you’re trying to blame it on the boogie, but we all know that the boogie’s not to blame. It’s the moonlight’s fault. Can’t fight it, tho.
Gemini: May 21-June 20
You may find yourself between two warring factions this weekend, Gemini. This is kind of ironic (not sure if using that correctly) because as a Gemini you’re used to being able to see both sides of things, but this time you just cannot. Uggg, both of them are just talking fool gibberish. And you’re being put in the middle of it. What, just because you happen to be related to both of them? Look, you didn’t ask to be a part of this family. All you wanted for this weekend was to eat pizza in your underpants, and now you have to take the train all the way out to Haverhill to talk to your sister-in-law to calm her stupid husband down, and that’s $24 and half your Saturday gone. Bullshit.
Cancer: June 21-July 22
Let’s just be honest with ourselves. The stars are telling me that you should get out and meet new people, but no matter what I say, you’re just going to sit at home and watch the Simpsons marathon.
Leo: July 23-August 22
You’re going too stub your toe pretty hard Saturday morning, and that’s going to put you out of commission for the kickball game that night. Be more careful.
Virgo: August 23-September 22
Oh Em Gee, Virgo, it’s almost your dates. Your birthday is coming up, oooooh, how exciting. It’s almost your day, your special day!!
Libra: September 23-October 22
Sunday is the Lord’s day, so you should observe it by watching A Philadelphia Story, where Katherine Hepburn plays a society bride named Tracy Lord. That would make your day yar! (You’ll get that after you watch the movie.) “True Love. My, she was yar!” That’s a quote! Also, who will you love more, Cary Grant or Jimmy Stewart? Trick question, you’ll love Ruth Hussey the most. She’s hella cute.
Scorpio: October 23-November 21
SURPRISE TRIP TO DALLAS!!!!
Sagittarius: November 22-December 21
You’ve had some trouble getting up in the morning this week. The stars have seen you, pressing the snooze button upwards of six times. But now it’s the weekend, and it’s the perfect opportunity to catch up. Oh, I know you have your excuses. But cancel your morning plans, get some light-reducing blinds, and lock your children in the basement on Friday night and get some shut-eye!
Capricorn: December 22-January 19
You were my sun. You were my earth. But you didn’t know all the ways I loved you, no. So you took a chance and made other plans, but I bet you didn’t think that they would come crashing down, no. You don’t have to say what you did. I already know; I found out from him. Now there’s just no chance for you and me, there’ll never be, and don’t it make you sad about it
Aquarius: January 20-February 18
Someone will impress you with some esoteric knowledge this weekend, Aquarius. You’ll make all kinds of wackadoo faces while he’s talking, because you’ll just be amazed by all the knowledge that’s coming out of the kid’s damn mouth!
Pisces: February 19-March 20
Positive thinking is critical this weekend, as you undergo some intense life changes. Maybe you’re moving. Or getting divorced. Or getting married, in which case, why didn’t you share that with us? We’re you’re friends (FRIEND), although we don’t know each other. I mean, the stars are for sure your friends, and like Fivel said, we’re all under the same stars so that makes all of us friends? I dunno.
*Flanny is not a psychic and does not necessarily believe in psychics or astrology, but she reads her own horoscope every day just in case.*