Wondering what’s in the stars for you this weekend? Wonder no more, because here I am with this weekend’s Flanoscopes. They’re like horoscopes, but they are not members of the newspaper column union.
Aries: March 21-April 19
Hello, you sweet goofball. Who looks great this weekend? You do. Who brings joy to all those around them? You do. Who run the world? You do. Who run the United States of America? Barack Obama. Who run the Dairy Queen down the street? Brett Roberts.
Taurus: April 20-May 20
It’s the last weekend on the summer, which is very sad, so get outside and soak up that sweet sweet heat while you can, because before you know it the world (besides the southern hemisphere) will be smothered under a foot-deep pillow of snow. HOLD ON, that gives me an idea for a murder mystery. Whondunit: Mother Nature. The victim: all our souls. The weapon: winter. Based on a fucking true story.
Gemini: May 21-June 20
When’s the last time you took a nap? Tuesday? Redick, get thee to a napping station.
Cancer: June 21-July 22
You will be charged with designing and building a new telecommunications tower in your town. It will severely alter the well-known skyline, so the council wants it to be unique and modern and stylishly representative of your home.
Leo: July 23-August 22
Your hair will suddenly lose its curl. If you have straight hair, it’ll fall out. If you’re bald, your skin will peel off and you’ll become a walking skeleton.
Virgo: August 23-September 22
Someone close to you will recommend a new flavor of Dannon Light & Fit Greek Yogurt to you. I cannot stress to you enough how life-changing this will be. Keep an open mind.
Libra: September 23-October 22
Tensions may be rising at work, Libra, but you have to remember that it’s nothing to do with you. You’re great, you’re perfect, you’re the best employee your job has. Your office is always tidy. You always meet deadlines. Perfect scores on all your performance evaluations. Someone is trying to drag you down and distract you! Don’t let them suck you into office politics!
Scorpio: October 23-November 21
Just found out that Hello Kitty shares your star sign. Huh. I read it in an article.
Sagittarius: November 22-December 21
You will get a new t-shirt.
Capricorn: December 22-January 19
You may be tested this weekend, Cap, mentally, physically, and emotionally. Everyone will need something from you, but after the week you’ve had, you need to be able to say no and just take care of yourself.
Aquarius: January 20-February 18
With so many projects unfinished, you might be feeling overwhelmed heading into the weekend. It might seem insurmountable. But luckily, you will discover that you have the ability to pause time, so you’ll get so much done!
Pisces: February 19-March 20
This weekend you will encounter more pizza than you will know what to do with.
*Flanny is not a psychic and does not necessarily believe in psychics or astrology, but she reads her own horoscope every day just in case.*