Doctor Who S08E05: Time Lord More Like Crime Lord Am I Right

In this episode of Doctor Who they robbed a space bank and it was all very convoluted but fun! But I’m getting ahead of myself! After last week’s super awkward first date, Clara and Danny are going for Date #2 and Clara has gotten all dolled up in a non-hideous outfit for once!

But the Doctor’s cockblock sense was tingling I guess because he comes over while she’s getting ready to invite her on a space adventure to any super cool place she wants to go. She’s like “I want to go to Danny’s pants but thanks for the invite.” Then the TARDIS phone rings and as we know from The Bells of Saint John, the only people who have the TARDIS phone number are Clara and that spooky mystical heaven lady who I still don’t give a shit about. Clara is like “Girl don’t answer that, nothing good will come of it” and the Doctor is like “What do you mean? It’s just a phone!” and picks it up but then the next thing they know they are sitting in a space room touching memory worms with a couple of hotties.

They listen to a recording of themselves saying that they touched the memory worms (which delete your memories when you touch them) voluntarily and then they watch a video from some dude in a hoodie called The Architect who tells them that they’ve agreed to rob the #1 Space Bank For Rich People and he’s going to help them.

Luckily the two hotties, Psi and Saibra, have special powers! Psi is part computer which you can tell by the poorly applied prosthetic gizmo on the side of his face, so he can interface with computers R2D2 style. And when Saibra touches other humans she turns into them for as long as she wants.

Before they get too far in their heisting they witness a dude getting his brain liquified by a space beast because the space beast (called The Teller) detected that he had guilty thoughts and this B won’t stand for any of that nonsense in her classy establishment.

You could be forgiven for thinking that this is the heaven lady or any of the other thousand overly coiffed/red lipstick/suit/glasses lady villains that have been on this show but no, she’s a brand new character and is in charge of bank security. Anyway, they make their way into the bank vaults using Psi and Saibra’s special skills and also a bomb that the Architect gave them.

Unfortunately they end up in the room where the Teller is kept in a cage and he almost melts Clara’s brain until she is able to clear her mind of all thoughts, and then the Teller switches his brain-melting beam to Saibra. Luckily the Architect provided our friends with a bunch of suicide needles in case of this, so Saibra disintegrates herself with it before the Teller can turn her into a vegetable.

Clara and Psi are bummed but the Doctor is like “Let’s keep going, we can cry later.”

They get to the vault door and Psi plugs himself into the computer to try to unlock it, but then the director lady lets the Teller loose in the hallways so the Doctor and Clara run in separate directions to try to confuse it with their brain waves or something? I don’t know.

The moral of the story is that the Teller finds Clara AGAIN and she doesn’t do as good a job of meditating this time so he’s about to brain melt her, but then Psi brain googles famous thieves throughout history so the Teller will detect guilt and come find him instead. Earlier he told Clara that he was in jail at one point and deleted all his memories of his family and friends so he couldn’t get them in trouble, so he doesn’t mind dying as much as she would and then he disintegrates himself.

The vault door still is locked but luckily there is a huge solar storm that makes all the computers go wacky and unlocks it for them. The Doctor is like “Oh I see, the Architect is from the future and sent us here on Solar Storm Day on purpose to make it easy for us! Cool!” and they go to find whatever it is they’re supposed to steal.

The Architect gave them a list of the vaults they need and they find the rewards for Psi and Saibra (a giant needle that would restore deleted memories and some kind of tonic that would make Saibra able to touch other humans without turning into them). Before they can go to the private vault, where their own reward is waiting, the Teller catches them and brings them back to the director.

She’s kind of tweaking because the solar storm is about to fry the whole bank and she’s going to get in trouble with her boss, but she takes a moment to tell her guards to murder the Doctor and Clara before leaving to handle the crisis. They’re like “Fuck” but then the guard who isn’t wearing a helmet turns into Saibra and the one who is wearing a helmet takes the helmet off to reveal that he’s Psi!

The suicide needles weren’t suicide needles after all, but teleport needles that sent them to a spaceship where the TARDIS is. They decide to go back to the private vault to finish the job, and they find the bank director lady wearing a much swankier outfit in a huge vault full of expensive knick-knacks. But wait! This is the actual owner of the bank, and the director lady was her clone slave! She Skypes her clone to tell her she’s fired (which means she’s about to get incinerated) and her hatred of her own clone gives the Doctor a brain wave wherein he realizes that the Architect was him all along, because he hates himself. It makes slightly more sense when you watch it but not all that much TBH.

Anyway, he is the Doctor so using crazy alien logic he realizes that the bank owner lady was the one who called the TARDIS because when she became an old lady she needed him to fix something from her past that she regrets. So he gives her his digits and tells her to call him some time. She’s like “But you’re going to die in this solar storm, you dummy” and leaves and then the Teller comes in and the Doctor is like “Come at me bro” and lets him start to melt his brain because I guess that’s the only way to get back the memories that the memory worm deleted? Again, I don’t know.

But it works and then he tells the Teller that his boss is gone and now he’s free to do the thing he’s been wanting to do forever, which is to rescue his buddy from a vault inside this vault. They are the last two in their species and the bank lady was holding the other one hostage to force the Teller to work for her. What a B! But when she got old she called the Doctor and asked him to fix that little whoopsie, so they all teleport to the spaceship and the Doctor drops them off on a nice-looking planet to live happily ever after.

Then the Doctor and Clara and Psi and Saibra have a post-heist TARDIS party. Before leaving, Psi says that if the Doctor ever needs help with a mission in the future to call him and Saibra gives him a hug and then Clara is like “Welp, time to go on my date now!” She leaves and the Doctor is like “GOOD LUCK TOPPING MY DATE, CLARA’S SUITOR!” because he is jelly and I guess possibly has a crush on Clara? Which I would prefer to Clara having a crush on him but still, a little weird. Anyway, the end!

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Catweazle is an 11th century wizard trying to make his way through the modern world while living in a disused water tower with his pet toad.
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13 Responses to Doctor Who S08E05: Time Lord More Like Crime Lord Am I Right

  1. FRQ says:

    Dude, I dunno about that last line. I thought they were gonna ditch the whole flirty thing when Matt Smith left the show. I hope this doesn’t lead to something weird and/or creepy.

    • catweazle says:

      I have mixed feelings about it because there is a part of me that would be very gleeful about the Doctor getting all starry-eyed about Clara and her being like “Um no I’m going to stick with this young hot human male, thanks” because he deserves it especially after the Martha thing which I will never not be bitter about. But also even better would be if there was no Doctor/companion romance of any kind ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

  2. Kate says:

    I get that the death device was really a teleporter, but how did they get back from the Tardis or the spaceship to help the Doctor and Clara? (this was a great episode)

  3. old man fatima says:

    I had some problems with this one. The “everyone lives happily ever after” was a bit much for me to handle, and also if Psi can delete all of his memories, why doesn’t he just delete the guilty ones when the Teller comes at him and then the Teller will be all “guilt not detected” and go about its merry way? That’s why I thought he was calling it to him, and why he had gone through this whole “I can delete my memories” thing. That would have left us with nobody to be the guard, though. And also, I know it;s a lot device and forget it fatima this is chinatown, etc, but I was really annoyed when she left them to the guards like a Bond villain when her life is on the line instead of making sure they were killed or turning the Teller on them? I’d make a much better villain, is I guess where I’m going.

  4. old man fatima says:

    Also, I watched the newest “cycle” (ugh) of ANTM this weekend because you were talking about it and man oh man, that show! I wanted to recap it because it is HIGH COMEDY, but then I burned through all of them in one go instead and now I can’t be bothered to go back. So bananas. Not nearly enough Kelly Catrone. I want it to end with Will and Matt in a tie and also getting married and adopting a bunch of dogs. Matt looks like 70s Stallone (SWOON) and Will is literally the most beautiful human I have ever seen. He looks fake. I hate Tyra for what she did to Kari. And every single time I see Denzel’s face weave I lol for the entire time it’s on screen.

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