AHHHHHH YOU GUYS WE MADE IT! This is my favorite episode of The OC, even though it has a lot of Oliver. I have been impatiently waiting for the day I could recap it in all its glory and now that it’s here I fear I may not do it justice. Wish me luck, because I’m sh-sh-shakin’.
“Saturday Morning” by Eels plays over the Newport Beach establishing shots. This isn’t important information, I just like this song. At the Cohen house, everybody is grumpy because Hailey has eaten all the good bagels and drank all the orange juice and took the only non-boring part of the newspaper.
They all sneak into the living room to bitch about how she is such a pain in the you-know-where and how she hasn’t left the house since New Year’s on account of how the disaffected young adults of Newport Beach all want to beat her up. Because she is spineless, Kirsten answers Hailey’s whiny call to come back to the kitchen and make her more coffee.
Ryan goes to the poolhouse to get ready for school and Seth comes in to whine about how Marissa is always around now and they never have any Seth-Ryan time anymore. He needs Ryan’s advice because he’s suddenly dating Anna and they plan on telling Summer about it now that school is starting again. Before Ryan can offer any sage wisdom, Marissa pops in and is like “Time for me to drive
a wedge between you you to school!”
At school, Marissa is like “Do we spend too much time together? Maybe we should spend more time with our friends!” and Ryan is like “Probably” and they decide they should do something about it.
Meanwhile Seth and Anna are acting very coupley until Summer comes in to kill their love buzz. She asks Anna if she has plans this weekend and Seth is like “WHAT ARE YOU INSINUATING OF COURSE SHE’S NOT DOING ANYTHING AND NEITHER AM I NOT THAT WE’RE DOING NOTHING TOGETHER, WE’RE JUST NOT DOING ANYTHING BOTH IN OUR OWN SEPARATE PARTS OF THE EARTH HA HA HA HAH A GOOD ONE SUMMER.” Summer is like “…ok” and leaves.
Anna is mad that Seth hasn’t told Summer the terrible truth yet because she hates liars and doesn’t want to be one. I’m glad you like honesty Anna because I have to tell you LAY OFF THE BLUE EYESHADOW YOU LUNATIC!
Does anybody remember what Sandy’s job situation is right now? Is he still working for that evil law firm? I feel like he is but we haven’t had any reason to check into his work life since Rachel stopped being a thing. Anyway, I only ask because it’s the middle of a weekday afternoon and he is at home. Jimmy is there, asking for help brainstorming ideas to pad his sad resumé since nobody wants to hire his sorry ass. I hate to be the “I don’t remember what’s going on in this show” guy but doesn’t Sandy hate Jimmy? Because of the whole kissing thing? When did that stop? I guess it’s hard to sustain rage at a person as pathetic as Jimmy. ANYWAY! Hailey comes in and is like “MY OH MY it’s Jimmy Cooper! It’s nice to see you after all these years!” and Sandy is like “You two have a lot in common right now in that you have absolutely nothing good happening in your lives.”
Sandy leaves them to themselves so he can help Kirsten unload groceries while also ranting about how Hailey needs to GTFO ASAP. Kirsten is like “Ehhhh I dunno I kind of like having my sister around, also if I can’t keep my eye on her she will probably join a cult or something.”
We catch the tail-end of a Jimmy-Hailey conversation that has to be quoted verbatim because LOLOLOLOLOL.
They LOL at their terrible lives for a minute and then Jimmy reminisces about back in the day when he was boning Kirsten and they would babysit little Hailey together while she watched Silver Spoons. Hailey is like “Exsqueeze me, bitch, it was Golden Girls.” They make plans to hang out soon and then walk in on Sandy and Kirsten making out in the kitchen.
After school a beautiful miracle happens. Ryan walks out into the parking lot and sees Luke standing by his pickup, which has a flat tire. LUKE I MISSED YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111111
Ryan assumes the flat tire was from natural causes, but nope, some ASSHOLES took it upon themselves to SLASH MY PRECIOUS ANGEL LUKE’S TIRES just because his dad is gay. Tell me their names Luke, and they shall soon be in a shallow grave! Ryan offers to help him change the tire and THANK GOD my favorite ship is back sailing the seas again. I mean, look at how these two look at each other:
So some soccer players, Luke’s own teammates, yell stupid gay jokes across the parking lot about how his dad would probably like to change the tire because he loves bending over so much and Luke is like “FUCK YOU MY DAD IS A TOP HE TOLD ME!” JK, he just turns the other cheek and tells Ryan “My New Year’s resolution was to get into fewer fistfights” and Ryan is like “Same” and I’m like “Kiss!”
Ryan feels sad that all the meanies are getting Luke down so he brings him home to play videogames. Seth is appalled not only that his boyfriend is cheating on him with a far superior boy, but also that Luke is playing a FOOTBALL videogame like some sort of Neanderthal.
He’s all “WE WERE SUPPOSED TO HAVE SETH-RYAN TIME I DIDN’T REALIZE THIS WAS GOING TO BE A THREESOME!” but then Ryan is like “Some assholes slashed his tires” and Seth is like “Aww the poor baby, let’s order him a pizza!” That sounds sarcastic but it’s not, it’s actually very sweet. He goes over and pretends to be interested in the simulated sports while Ryan takes a call from Marissa. Marissa tells him that she’s at Oliver’s and he ordered soooooooooo much food and he should totally come over the help eat it. Oliver walks over and feeds Marissa something gross looking and it’s almost as though Ryan can see through the phone.
So Ryan is feeling very green and drags Seth and Luke over to Oliver’s. “Blueside” by Rooney is playing very loudly in the background while they all sit on the floor and eat while surrounded by a fuckload of chairs and couches like a bunch of lunatics. They talk for a while about how awesome it is that Oliver lives in the penthouse at the Four Seasons. Seth calls it “ridonkulous” and Marissa says it used to be her fantasy to live in a hotel like Eloise. Oliver’s face is like “I CAN MAKE ALL YOUR DREAMS COME TRUE!”
So then Oliver is like “I get so lonely when my parents are out of town. P.S. they are in Paris” and Marissa is like “I loveeeee Paris” and Seth is like “I love baguettes” and Luke is like “Ew, French girls don’t shave their armpits.” Oliver asks Ryan if he’s ever been to Paris and he’s like “Um, no. I hear the Louvre is cool though” and then Oliver gives this bullshit speech about how the Louvre sucks and he should go to the Rodin and Picasso museums instead. GIRL, THE LOUVRE IS COOL AND YOU ARE AN ART HIPSTER. DON’T LISTEN TO HIM RYAN.
But what Oliver really loves the most apparently is snowboarding in the Alps which wins Luke over to his team because sports. He offers to teach Ryan to snowboard and Ryan is like
In a very natural transition, Marissa is like “I LOVE this Rooney song that’s playing so much it’s like such a wonderful and underrated pop-rock gem” and Oliver is like “Rooney is playing here tomorrow, do you guys want to go?” and Seth is like “DUH I love Rooney they are a wonderful musical group, but it’s sold out” and Oliver says he’ll call their manager and get them all hooked up. Everybody is like “OMG YOU KNOW ROONEY?? YOU ARE A GOD AMONG MEN!” except Ryan who doesn’t really like music.
The next morning Ryan is still mad at Seth for becoming an Oliver groupie. Seth is like “I’m not interested in your problems or feelings, I need to continue to talk about my Summer/Anna dilemma.” Seth’s ideas for telling Summer he’s dating Anna include texting her (which was very new and fresh at the time) or using a carrier pigeon. Ryan calls him a coward and Seth is like “Fine I’ll tell her Monday. I would do it today but I wouldn’t want to ruin the Rooney concert for myself.”
Hailey comes in and is like “Oh my god are you talking about Rooney? I looooove Rooney. I saw them with The Vines last year!” I am now feeling very nostalgic about The Vines and the year that I went as Craig Nicholls for Halloween. BUT I DIGRESS. Seth brags that they’re going to see Rooney tonight and Hailey is like “But the Rooney show is sold out because they are such a popular band!” Seth says that they got the hookup through Oliver and Hailey is like “LOLOLOL isn’t that the guy who’s trying to steal Ryan’s girlfriend?” and Ryan is like “YOKYO.”
Outside, Sandy and Kirsten seem to be unloading a shitload of potted flowers from the Range Rover and putting them on the front porch. Don’t ask me why. They’re talking about how excited they are that Hailey is going out with Jimmy tonight so they can have the house to themselves for once and delete all the E! True Hollywood Stories that Hailey Tivoed. But then Kirsten expresses concern over letting the kids go to a concert and she gets the best line of the episode:
Sandy says he’ll look into it.
That night Ryan and Marissa get ready for the concert and Marissa plays “Sorry Sorry” for him so he knows what he’s in for. It definitely sounds like the music of Satanic speed freaks! Marissa is like “What do you think of this hot Rooney tune? Isn’t it terrific?” and Ryan changes the subject to “Have you ever met Oliver’s girlfriend?” Marissa is like “Nope but she’ll be there tonight and we’ll all have a great time listening to Rooney at their sold out show!”
Also listening to “Sorry Sorry” are Seth and Sandy. Sandy is grooving pretty hard.
After ascertaining that there is nothing even remotely edgy or satanic about the music, Sandy asks if anybody will be doing drugs at the concert. Seth says “I hope so, otherwise it’s a lame-ass concert!” But he promises that he will not be taking any drugs because he needs to be clearheaded for his first official date with Anna. Sandy yells at him a bit about having still not told Summer yet and Seth is just like “Whatevs” and puts the finishing touches on his Julian Casablancas costume.
Everybody’s “rock concert” outfits are pretty amazing in this episode, I have to say. I’ll try to remember to show you all of them.
The kids head over to the venue but they can’t find Oliver. They go to the front door and say they’re on the list under Oliver’s name and the lady is a major B to Marissa about it like “Who the fuck are you, who the fuck is Oliver, why the fuck are you still standing here, fuck off.” Marissa decides to try calling Oliver, while Luke turns to Seth and says affably, “There’s a lot of freaks here, huh Cohen?”
Seth and Anna start talking about how if Oliver doesn’t get there soon they’re going to miss the whole thing but Anna is like “We’ll still manage to have fun on our date I bet” and then who should show up but Summer! What??? Summer wasn’t supposed to come to the Rooney concert for reasons that are never explained! But here she is, looking possibly more hilarious than any of them:
Marissa can’t get ahold of Oliver so they head out to the parking lot as “Burn Baby Burn” by Ash plays in the background (yet another thing that made me feel like this episode was made just for me back in 2004). Oliver suddenly pops up out of nowhere and is like “What are you guys doing? I said meet me by the BACK door, dummies!” Ryan is like “Um no, you said front door dickwad.” But anyway, the moral of the story is that the night is saved and they won’t have to miss Rooney after all.
Speaking of Rooney, they at this very moment emerge from a van to head into the venue! Everyone is sooo excited and Summer says “It’s all happening!” Everybody in the band says hi to their buddy Oliver before heading inside, and Luke says “Which one’s Rooney?”
Marissa hugs Oliver and asks where Natalie is and Oliver is like “She is conveniently absent for believable reasons!” Marissa says not to worry, and that she and Ryan will be his dates for the night. Ryan is like “Not that I’m against the idea of a triad, but I had a different guy in mind.”
Back at home Sandy and Kirsten are getting ready to take advantage of their empty house and are horrified to discover that instead of going out like she promised, Hailey has invited Jimmy over to play Operation and watch a Golden Girls marathon so they can remember a time in their lives where they were not yet the worst.
Backstage at the Rooney concert Luke is staring longingly at a long-haired bozo playing a guitar. Oliver asks if he plays and Luke is like “YEAH WANNA HEAR A SONG I WROTE ABOUT RYAN?????” He then performs a beautiful song that begins
Then Seth and Anna and Oliver rudely talk over him until he gets to this verse: “No he didn’t / Yes he duh duh duh duh duh duh, WHOOSH!” Can’t make this stuff up guys.
Seth and Anna are arguing about how he needs to tell Summer about their relationship and I’m like if you’re going to interrupt Luke’s song could you at least find a more interesting conversation topic???? Rude. Anna says this is a good time to tell her because they’re backstage at a Rooney concert where there are many eligible guys who are cool and older and cute. Seth gestures toward a couple of likely lads and Summer comes up and says
Anna is like “I’m gonna go scope out some hotties while you and Seth talk!” Summer asks if he and Anna will stand with her during the show and he’s like “Sure, there’s no reason that would be awkward.”
Meanwhile Oliver is outside yelling at a tardy drug dealer on the phone! Oh no, I thought he was sober 😦
But our friends don’t know about these shady dealings because they’re inside waiting in breathless anticipation for their favorite band Rooney to start playing. Oliver comes in and finds Marissa and Ryan being all snuggly together and is like “Hey Maris, I can’t see at all from over here. Let’s go find a new spot!” Marissa is like “This is appropriate friend behavior. Let’s go!” and Ryan is like “Oh no she better don’t.”
Anna finds Seth and is like “Did you tell Summer yet???” because believe it or not this paper thin plotline is STILL HAPPENING. And it will continue to happen because of course he hasn’t! Summer is off getting some frosty Mountain Dews for all three of them! Will you assholes just form a fucking triad like you so obviously want to geez louise!!! Anna decides that enough is enough and invites Summer to accompany her to the bathroom.
So you may have forgotten about the grownups because you’ve been thinking about Rooney too much, but don’t worry, we’re about to check in on them. They are now playing Connect Four together and even seem to be having a good time. Did they bust out Sandy’s old bong off camera or something? But the fun does not last, because after Kirsten and Jimmy reminisce about their youthful troublemaking back in the good old days when they were puttin’ it on each other Hailey is like “Ha ha Kirsten, you used to be fun until you became dad’s slave!”
Jimmy tries to break the tension by winning the game, giving Sandy and Kirsten the opportunity to take their leave, but Hailey just keeps harping on about how Caleb’s company is so square and Kirsten is so lame and I mean she’s not 100% wrong because Caleb is the worst but still, shut up Hailey!
Sandy has had it, officially, and is like “GUESS WHAT, BITCH! U R A GUEST IN OUR HOME AND YOU WILL NOT INSULT MY WIFE ANY FURTHER!” He also mentions that she’s generally driving everybody nuts and Hailey is like
She says they won’t have to put up with her much longer, knocks over Connect Four and storms out.
We move from one awkward situation right into another! Summer and Anna are in the bathroom together and Summer starts spontaneously singing the Golden Girls theme song while they wash their hands and Anna enthusiastically joins in. Very typical teen stuff. They are both like “I FUCKING LOVE THE GOLDEN GIRLS!” Anna says that she’s a Rose and Summer says that she’s a Blanche and in 2004 teens everywhere were staring at their TVs going “What the fuck are you talking about.”
Anyway, now that they’ve bonded over their improbable Golden Girls love, Anna can’t bring herself to tell Summer the terrible truth about her and Seth’s stupid relationship.
Back at home Jimmy is leaving when Hailey runs out after him so they can crawl in a garbage can together where they belong. JK, she just wants to apologize for being such a childish asshole and he’s like “Hey welcome to the club” and they sit on the front steps and talk about how they wish they could go back to high school and then they kiss.
Hailey says she always had a crush on him and Jimmy is like “You were eight years old when I went to college and also I was doin’ your sister at the time!” They kiss again but then Jimmy is like “This is actually even slightly beyond my limits because even though I am the worst Sandy and Kirsten are always nice to me and if they knew about this they’d never stop vomming.” Hailey is like “UGH WHATEVER!” and he leaves after one last wistful glance.
And now FUCKING FINALLY the Rooney concert starts! We get to watch them play like almost 50% of “I’m Shakin’” and there is so much floppy hair on that stage that I sincerely cannot believe that this band didn’t give me a lady boner when I was a hair-obsessed teen.
Marissa and Oliver are bopping along to the music and having a great time while Ryan stands there looking SO grumpy while people keep bumping into him. He goes over and drags Marissa away for a little makeout sesh and Oliver is SO JELLY and he doesn’t even have any drugs to make him feel better 😦
Marissa is like “Not that I’m not enjoying this but we shouldn’t abandon Oliver.” Ryan is like “GIRL REALLY?” and Marissa goes on and on about how Oliver gets her because he’s in recovery and they can talk about stuff unlike Ryan who is way too manly to express any emotions. She tells him that since he didn’t want to come in the first place, she won’t be mad if he leaves. He is like “VARIOUS ANGRY AND INCREDULOUS EMOTICONS!” and then leaves.
Meanwhile Luke and Seth are standing together because I guess Summer and Anna are STILL in the bathroom but who even cares because Luke is LIVING for Rooney, singing along and playing air guitar and cheering louder than everyone else even though he just learned that Rooney existed like yesterday. It is the best. Luke is the best. Love is forever fan love Luke.
So anyway back to boring Ryan! He goes outside, moping so hard, only to find Oliver getting beat up in the parking lot! Even though he h8s Oliver, Ryan can’t resist helping the underdog in a fistfight so he pulls the dude off. But SURPRISE! This guy is an undercover cop and was attempting to arrest Oliver for buying cocaine from him!
Oliver tells Ryan not to tell Marissa as he is shoved into a police car.
Inside, Rooney is playing “Popstars,” their iconic takedown of the Jive Records empire. The song that would go down in history for ending the farce known as pop music forever. HA HA JK BRITNEY SPEARS IS BETTER THAN YOU GUYS AND YOU CAN DEAL.
Ryan finds Seth at the bar, trying to order more Mountain Dews for himself and his ladies. I don’t mean to be the Logic Police but Summer and Anna are still in the bathroom so they haven’t even started drinking the Mountain Dews Summer bought for them before they went. BUT WHATEVER. Seth starts to whine about his lady situation again but Ryan is like “Exsqueeze me but I am having real problems, please give me the car keys.”
Back at the Cohens’ Kirsten is letting Sandy have it for being so mean to her sister. Even though Hailey is driving her nuts too, she would rather have her in the house being an asshole than have her disappear for another few years to god knows where. This fascinating conversation comes to an end when Ryan calls to have Sandy come to the police station to deal with Oliver.
Seth finally gets his Mountain Dews just as “Popstars” ends, and Rooney leaves the stage after playing two entire songs. Seth is like “I CAN’T BELIEVE I MISSED THE ENTIRE SHOW STANDING AT THIS BAR WHICH IS ACTUALLY VERY CLOSE TO THE STAGE.” Also PS Summer and Anna have been in the bathroom for literally the entire set. Anyway, Anna comes up and Seth is like “Did you tell Summer???” and Summer comes up and is like “Tell me what, that she loves Golden Girls?”
They take Summer backstage and sit her down on a couch and they are like “LOL no we are BF and GF.” Summer, through a mouthful of Cheetos, is like
They pretend to be relieved but they’re both kind of offended that Summer isn’t heartbroken in the face of their true love.
So Sandy has worked his lawyer magic at the police station and gotten them to let Oliver out. This child was attempting to buy cocaine but apparently the fact that Sandy once played poker with some cops means that he will not be punished? Don’t ask me, I’m just the recapper.
Oliver thanks Ryan for helping him out and Ryan is like “I only did it because my girlfriend likes you for some stupid reason.” Oliver says that he only wanted the cocaine because his super real girlfriend Natalie didn’t show up and he was so jelly of Ryan and Marissa’s relationship especially because he has no friends and his parents are always out of town.
Ryan is like “Well Marissa likes you because she has brain damage, Seth likes you because you got him Rooney tickets and my boyfriend Luke likes you because he is an actual puppy who likes everybody ever since his dad came out of the closet.”
Marissa calls and Oliver is like “Are you going to tell her about this 😦 ” and Ryan is like “LOL, no. You are!” and gives him the phone. Nice one, Ryan!
Back at home Sandy is about to have a late night bagel. Hailey tries to steal it while his back is turned because she is THE LIVING WORST and he’s like “Fuck no” but way more gently than she deserves. He even apologizes for being so harsh on her and asks what her plans for the future are. She says she is jelly of how happy he and Kirsten are and he suggests that she stay in town and get a job like a real adult. She’s like “I don’t wanna, but I want to stick my tongue farther down Jimmy Cooper’s throat so maybe I’ll stay.”
Marissa drops by the poolhouse to thank Ryan for being so nice to her new psychopathic BFF. They start making out but then Seth and Summer and Anna all parade in, followed shortly after by Luke who yells “RYAN WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU MAN? DUDE THAT CONCERT DID NOT SUCK AT ALL!” Summer explains that he stood too close to the speakers but I think he stood too close to heaven and became an angel ❤
They all head inside to play videogames like a bunch of true BFFs and it’s so heartwarming until we pan out and FUCKING OLIVER IS LITERALLY STANDING OUTSIDE STARING AT THEM LIKE A MANIAC!