Selfie S01E01: Pilot

You knew this was coming.  I hate myself.

We open to the harmonious sounds of “Show Me The Meaning Of Being Lonely”, which highlights the struggles of our heroine, Eliza Dooley.  She was your classic ugly duckling growing up, but instead of maturing into a beautiful swan, she models herself after the most popular girl in school.  She has become a social media monster, with 260,000+ followers on multiple networks, who she posts to incessantly on her gaudy iPhone.  This somehow allows her to become the top sales representative in a pharmaceutical company.  Eliza demonstrates her superiority by flaunting her first class upgrade on a company sales trip.  “Don’t be jelly, Linda!”, she says on her way to the front of the plane, looking to seduce Miller from legal.  She sits next to him, hoping to get a smooch, only to find out that, OOPS, he’s married.

This leads to a series of unfortunate events which include her barfing into a couple of sick bags, the bags bursting onto her dress as she walks to the bathroom, and her having to fashion a makeshift dress out of airplane blankets.  Naturally, everyone on the flight captures each moment on their mobile phones as they laugh and laugh.  She can’t even catch a break on her way home, making an ass out of herself in front of her hipster neighbor Bryn.  Eliza attempts to console her self with a hot bath, but she continues to fall into a depression spiral as follower after follower rejects her pleas for a shoulder to cry on.  Only Siri can provide any sort of companionship, guiding her to five nearby markets that sell a shitload of ginger ale.  “Friending a person is different from having friends,” she says.  No shit.

The next day at work brings a morning meeting, where the CEO addresses the recent issue with a nasal spray.  The company took a massive hit since it was causing satanic hallucinations, but one man was able to save the product:  Henry Higgs.  He was able to take the devil spray and rebrand it into something the public loves and trusts.  A light bulb illuminates over Eliza’s head.  If this guy can work his magic on brain-melting medicine, then CLEARLY he can do the same with her image.  Henry initially rejects the proposal, but his competitive instincts kick in.  He could turn this girl who was “butt on the inside” into a respectable member of society.  Henry had no clue how difficult this would be.

Eliza can’t even get the simplest things right.  The receptionist greets her, who promptly given a response about how any odor on her is residual fart stink from the bald guy on the 12th floor.  Henry goes through the arduous task of getting Eliza to reciprocate the greeting, learn the receptionist’s name (Charmonique), and ask her about her life.  She fails on all fronts.  She can’t stop looking at her phone.  She soothes herself with an app that plays the sound of rain (from Spain, I bet).  She doesn’t understand plus size skinny jeans.  This girl is a mess.  Henry decides to give her an assignment: be his date to the boss’s daughter’s wedding.  Eliza’s first task in this endeavor is to wear something appropriate.  Number of items in her closet that fit this description: zero.

Our heroine needs help, and the only person that could rescue her is Bryn.  Lucky for Eliza, Bryn is a master of the makeunder, and agrees to assemble her outfit.  With her ragtag group of hipster assistants, Bryn does her hair and makeup, measures her for a new dress, and finds her appropriate accessories, all while singing along to ukulele rendition of Bad Romance.  Apparently this is how friends get dressed for special occasions.  To their credit, she does actually look pretty good (nice bangs, girl).

So far, so good at the wedding.  She’s able to leave a positive impression on her boss, with her new attire and forced pleasantries.  But as the ceremony goes on, she flashed back to her high school days, when she was at prom and no one wanted to be anywhere near her.  This was the first time she resorted to a phone for companionship, which leads to her to relapse in the present day.  Her Candy Crush-ing ways draws eyes from everyone at the wedding, subsequently leading to a fight between Henry and Eliza.  Words are exchanged, one of them being “cockscomb”.  I learned something new tonight!

Eliza is fed up with the whole “bettering yourself” bit, and returns to her online world.  But the next day at work, a miracle occurs! She has an acutal, human conversation with Charmonique’s son.  Eliza realized this is quite the leap, and that she couldn’t have done it without her mentor.  She runs to Henry’s house to beg for forgiveness, but he’s just not having it.  In a moment of desperation, she pours out her soul.  All her friends’ names being with @.  She gets all her news from Buzzfeed.  Eliza explains that the wedding gave her feels, and it was tough to her to cope.  Henry totes gets it, and both parties exchange apologies.  The challenge is back on.  There may be hope for her yet.

As for my journey, this is the end of the road.  This show is every internet cliche rolled into a 27-minute mediocre sitcom.  I like John Cho, and Karen Gillan is still super cute, but I can’t find a reason to stick around for 20-something more episodes.  Even I have my selfie limit, guys.  Sorry.


About FRQ

Once ate an entire blueberry cobbler by accident
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12 Responses to Selfie S01E01: Pilot

  1. flanny says:

    I watched this On Demand a week or so again, and found myself looking at my cell phone through half of it. IRONICAL!

  2. Sota says:

    Henry: “Eliza, you do realize its possible for someone to be pretty on the outside, and butt on the inside.”
    Eliza: “Like Gwyneth Paltrow.”

    I watched about 15 min of this terrible show. It was worth it for that one exchange. #RIPGabe

  3. Ugh, they both deserve so much better. #FreeKarenandJohn

  4. catweazle says:

    How can a show that starts with “Show Me The Meaning of Being Lonely” be bad though???

  5. taoreader says:

    Thanks for taking one for the team, FRQ. Good god this looks awful. If you watched any more of these, I would seriously be concerned for your mental health.

  6. Kate says:

    I want Eliza’s entire tights wardrobe. Especially the brick wall tights in the last scene,

  7. hotspur says:

    I could be in if every 4-5 episodes they run through a different musical. In season one alone they might meet a murderous barber, fly to an island stalked by a one-handed pirate, fall in love while caught in a gang war, and be eaten by a large carnivorous plant.

  8. 101percentjuice says:

    holy cow, the makeup and lighting in some of these screen caps — what were they THINKING??! “okay team let’s take a girl who is quite naturally GORGEOUS and work our damndest to make her look a 45-year-old skeleton who is addicted to plastic surgery.”

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