The Hunt For The Worst Baby Name Of All Time

I ain’t got no time to watch movies and tell you which one is the worst!  What do I look like, a professional blogger/comedian/grump?

I DO, however, have time to comb through baby name boards and try to find the worst of the worst.  This will possible be a weekly feature, until I get bored and forget to do it anymore.  With no further ado, here’s this week’s big winners:

Behold: your future.

Worst Name For A Girl:

Skippy Penelope

Worst Name For A Boy:

Linux Hakumei

And below are this week’s runner-ups.  Not separated by gender, because honestly, who can even tell with some of these?

Guardian Rakes
Pixie Bella
Tatum Gray
Azaiah marcus
Kylic Jace
Grey Melen
Skye Melody
Tyberious Alexander
Zemma Elizabeth
Smith-Cade Jameson.
Atlas Aleksandr
Mackenzye Rayne
Evahlynn Brielle
Immacula Ann
Kota Bernice
Aniyah Rae (Which led to the following hilarious exchange: “How is Aniyah pronounced? Is it Anne- ny- yaw? Its pretty.” “I’ve traditionally heard it as -Uh-nye-uh.”)
Aurion (to match existing siblings Ariela and Azlyn)
Ma’kay Emerald Lee
Violet Blakley
Emma Yahtzel
Promise Barber

You guys, I only made it through 27 pages out of 42 from one particular message board for babies being born in December.  This is going to be a long hunt.  I can’t wait.

About facetaco

Facetaco has a face and enjoys tacos. He is truly the voice of the people.
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41 Responses to The Hunt For The Worst Baby Name Of All Time

  1. flanny says:

    I have said many times that my favorite name is one created during a game of MASH. Bernice Destiny, you will be my favorite daughter.

  2. facetaco says:

    I’d like to note that I actually went in to update this, but it was locked by Flanny (blogblocker). I kept going on that list because I enjoy punishing myself, and the absolute best/worst boy’s name I found was Stormageddon Darclor Duval. I would have assumed this to be a joke, but the signature of the poster indicated that she already has children named Killian Hunter and Jasper Atreyu, so who even knows. Stormageddon, you guys.

  3. Guys. I have them all beat but I can’t say it because this has my first name on it and the friends who picked the name will probably somehow know I made fun of it here! I think they kind of know everyone agrees it’s a terrible name but they are undeterred (the baby is not born yet but the name is PICKED!)

  4. Sota says:

    I have heard some rough ones. Most recently…NEVAEH, which is pronounced “Ne-vay-uh” and is Heaven spelled backwards.

    • hotspur says:

      Is Nevaeh for real? If so, does she (he?) eat every kind of cereal?

      • Sota says:

        Definitely for real. Friend’s cousin’s kid. I will find out about cereal preferences and any pending book/movie deals and report back. #nevaehisforreal

  5. 101percentjuice says:

    say what you will about Promise Barber, but i always walk out of that place with a fly new ‘do.

  6. catweazle says:

    This is one of those “a friend was told this by a friend of a friend” stories so who knows if it’s true, but somebody told me recently about a lady who was upset that a nurse pronounced her newborn’s name as “Shady-nasty” when it was supposed to be pronounced “Sha-dynasty.”

  7. FRQ says:

    One of my friend’s couple friends named their daughter Duplica, which is apparently the name of a Pokemon trainer from the cartoon. Solid choice.

  8. catweazle says:

    Here is a name story that I am pretty sure did NOT come from a TV show (thanks a lot, stupid friend). A former coworker had a friend (ugh again with the possibly unreliable sources!) who named her daughter Adorabella Luna.

  9. taoreader says:

    The name Tyberious should NEVER be used unless it is preceded by James. This is so obvious, parents.

    • facetaco says:

      Or also Harold, in the case of the honorable judge Harry T. Stone on Night Court.

      And even then SPELL IT CORRECTLY!

  10. artdorkgirl says:

    So, and I realize this is a tradtional Jewish name and I do not want to cast disperions on it, but a former coworker of mine had a sister who named her little girl Tzippy. That just isn’t a name you should saddle a baby with.

    • facetaco says:

      Was the child a pinhead?

      • artdorkgirl says:

        See!! That’s what I kept thinking every time she’d talk about her niece!

        • facetaco says:

          I would say that I don’t really “get” Zippy The Pinhead, but I mean, nobody does, right? That’s the whole thing, isn’t it? Convince enough people that what you’re making is art, and they’ll start convincing themselves and others. But really it’s just nonsense.

  11. old man fatima says:

    I like guessing the genders. Pixie Bella is 100% a boy’s name.

  12. facetaco says:

    I used to work at a call center, and we would get regular calls from a man named Joshua Joshua. The worst part is, everybody would assume that his name was entered in the system incorrectly and ask what it is so they can fix it, and he would have to inform them that no, his name was actually Joshua Joshua.

    • old man fatima says:

      When I worked at a call centre, we’d get calls from a guy named Harry Dyk, and we were never sure if his last name was pronounced “dyke” or “dick”, or which would be worse. Obviously his full name was Harold, but he insisted on going by Harry. Clearly a man after my own heart, insisting on making everyone around him uncomfortable 100% of the time.

      • facetaco says:

        We also had a guy named Mike Lester. Which isn’t so bad, except that e-mail addresses were automatically generated with first initial and last name. I wanted to tell him that we could change it upon request, but I didn’t dare to bring it up.

    • flanny says:

      I have a cousin Tom Thomas. Uggg, what a terrible family I belong to.

  13. martinmegz says:

    I went to middle school with a girl named Dusty Glass, hand to God!

  14. hotspur says:

    I worked with a girl named Lisanya. In those days, being all too forward and a moron, eventually I asked her if it bothered her that it sounded exactly like lasagna. And she said what do you mean and I said lasagna the dish and she said what’s that. It took a minute to be sure she was not fucking with me, but ultimately I felt sure that she had never heard of lasagna. Maybe I wish her parents had? Maybe they punked her and were like “Ugh, when is she going to laugh, it has been 25 years”? Who knows. Anyway she didn’t seem bothered by the coincidence.

    If I was Immacula Ann, I’d be psyched, because I could be staid, dependable Ann by day, and by night, I’d be punk-rock rebel monster Mac. “I’m Mac” sounds cool coming from a girl, potentially, and no dipstick nitwit better ask me how I feel about mac n cheese. I would cut such a fucktard.

  15. taoreader says:

    I once got my hair cut by a woman with the most perfect name I ever heard: Kizzy Nixon. You know I got her business card.

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