(Something is… not right… with the mother here.)
I know there are a few Monsters who feel way too much of the scares when watching scary films. Fortunately (maybe?) the Hollywood Reporter is thinking of your welfare, and has compiled a list of family-friendly (?) movies that you can safely watch! (??) Even children (???) can feel safe and still get some spooky Halloween vibes.
But here’s the thing: What?? Some of these movies are downright frightening for adults, let alone kids. Have you even seen these films, Hollywood Reporter?
Because the list is a slideshow (BOO)(not the scary kind of boo), I clicked so you don’t have to Here are their eighteen choices. Discuss.
Arachnophobia: My grown sister couldn’t watch it ’cause spiders and this film GAVE MY FATHER NIGHTMARES
Beetlejuice: Could be fine, I don’t remember any violence?
Coraline: Are you kidding me? Have you seen those button eyes?? I love this film but it creeped me the hell out!
The Corpse Bride: “This macabre tale is based on a piece of 16th Century Russian-Jewish folklore called “The Finger.” The Finger. Make your own call.
Frankenweenie: I’ve never seen it. Thoughts?
Ghostbusters: Think I’ll give this one a pass, though it’s more funny than scary.
Gremlins: Remember how that one gremlin gets ground to a bloody pulp in the blender? Good family-friendly times!
Hocus Pocus: Never seen, though that doesn’t stop me from having opinions about it. A) It’s about evil witches in Salem, Mass. who attempt to murder and eat the children who accidentally resurrected them B) There WERE NO EVIL WITCHES IN SALEM that is a sore spot with me!! There were no witches that’s the whole moral of that horrible event that we’re supposed to learn!!
Hotel Transylvania: Never seen, though since Genndy Tartakovsky is the animator, I just might watch it.
Little Monsters: Described as an “inventive and overlooked 1989 comedy romp,” this film features a boy who looks under his bed and finds a passage to a land of monsters. I guess if the monsters are nice this is okay?
Monster House: Steve Buscemi plays “the mysterious old man who lives in the house by himself.” Scary enough for me.
Monsters Inc.: I’m going to say this one’s okay. Thoughts?
The Nightmare Before Christmas: Look. I love this movie. But I would think twice about letting my child watch a film where Santa is tortured and nearly killed by the Bogey Man and his three adolescent asshole lackeys.
ParaNorman: “This clever 2012 film might be the creepiest one of the lot.” Now I want to see it. But family friendly?
The Addams Family: I saw too many original reruns of the TV show to want to watch this. Do not know where this fits on the scary scale.
The Haunted Mansion: My favorite Disney ride! 13% on Rotten Tomates! You decide if quality counts.
Monster Squad: “This 1987 tongue-in-cheek comedy is crass, vulgar and politically incorrect.” All the things we look for in a family film.
The Witches: A bunch of “wicked witches” hatch a plot “to turn all of England’s children into mice” (do NOT get me started on witches again). Does not sound scary to me, but I haven’t seen it.