Determining The Backstories Of Halloween Costume Models

Do you ever feel like the internet knows what you want before you even think it? The algorithms have grown so sophisticated that I’m fairly confident that Google already knows how and when I will die. But every once in a while the internet gets it wrong, and suddenly one afternoon of idle browsing for potential pieces of a Hamburglar costume throws your Amazon recommendations into disarray.

Upon seeing this lineup of fake old-timey prisoners, a number of questions crossed my mind. Who are these men? How much were they paid to degrade themselves like this? When they embarked on their modeling careers did they ever think they would sink so low? And most importantly, for what crime were they imprisoned? I’ve looked deep into their eyes and seen the guilt in their souls:

Harold G. Whillikers

Hugh Jackson

Cornelius van Smoot

Billy McKillan

Maxwell Dobson

Zacharias Fowler


Please share any ridiculous Halloween costume modeling photos you have come across in your own costume quests this year!

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Catweazle is an 11th century wizard trying to make his way through the modern world while living in a disused water tower with his pet toad.
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29 Responses to Determining The Backstories Of Halloween Costume Models

  1. I imagine all of these criminals are French. Stereotypes are weird.

  2. This popped up on my Twitter feed this morning, and, just. I give up.

    • I think it’s the sad, wrinkly stockings that really get me. Whoever wears this is pretty much guaranteed to end up sobbing while puking up vodka cranberries in the dank ladies’ room of a dive bar while a stranger tries to hold her hair back with one hand so they don’t have to put their drink down.

      • Sota says:

        Spot on.

        Last St Paddy’s I went out and at one of the bars someone had written on the bathroom in chalk “I lost my dignity here.” This seems like the halloween version of that.

    • I would like this costume a lot more if they had her smiling the same way as the snowman to reveal one giant, middle tooth ala Tom Cruise.

    • hotspur says:

      I feel like the girl who wears this to a party either is smart with a twisted sense of humor and is slightly deranged, or is fully deranged with no sense of anything. You would want to talk to her to find out which, so in that sense the costume is doing its job. Also in my 20s I went through a phase of being drawn to girls who made odd, public choices and I can hear one such girl telling me at a party she is wearing this because the refusal to display cleavage makes it quite feminist. And also she decided to wear a skirt with it because “it’s just too much ass for anything but the beach,” and then, “It’s too hard to drink with this stupid fucking nose, note to self, no nose next year.” I would get that girl’s number. And I would go home (alone) thinking “What am I doing with my life? Is this really who I’m calling? Sexy Snowman Girl?” (The answer is 50/50 yes and then we would live together for 6 months.)

      • I only ever wore a “sexy” costume to a Halloween party once–it was a bee costume, and was actually pretty cute (and didn’t show that much skin, since I’m short and the black-and-yellow striped dress part almost came to my knees), but it had these big wings and after about 15 minutes of accidentally smacking someone with them every time I tried to move, I ripped them off and was just a Person In An Ugly Dress for the rest of the night.

        • hotspur says:

          Live and learn! You need to wear tiny, cute wings, not wings engineered to correct proportion as if you were an actual bee that size.

  3. Also, can I just vent about something??? I just ordered my wig for my Halloween costume and upon completing the order, I saw that it would take 18-26 days to arrive!!!! I’d just cancel the order and pick another one, but this one was the only perfect one!! Guys, what am I gonna do if it doesn’t arrive in time??? I could order a backup and then return whichever I don’t end up using, but honestly, it’s just so annoying!!!

  4. welcometocostcoiloveyou says:

    I would bet that we might see this face modeling Halloween costumes in the near future…

  5. hotspur says:

    When I was 19 or 20, a temp agency sent me to a mall to sit at a table and sell expensive pens. I was assisted by two models, one male, one female. They were both in the process of discovering that being a model was a lot more degrading than what they expected when they embarked. I learned a lot that day about disaster, hope, and myself.

  6. Sota says:

    The specific naming of each of the criminals really made me feel like they were real human beings with incarceration pasts.

  7. Sota says:

    I have a cousin who did some modeling a few years back and one of the jobs she shot was a bunch of Halloween costumes. I see her every year when I go into a costume shop or google looking for costumes and it makes me laugh. She said she got paid super well for it, but she seems a bit embarrassed about it now.

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