In news that might make even Artdork roll her eyes, Celebricrush of the Homeless Monsters and Friend of the Gays Benedict Cumberbatch humbly recounted a story of his own boarding school heroism to Out Magazine this week:
“These kids were chasing this poor kid, and they came into my house, breathless — a Sikh, a Jordanian prince, an Indian, and a Nigerian. I said, ‘Stop, stop, stop, stop,’ because they all just came charging down the corridor, and I said, ‘What just happened?’ and they told me, ‘It’s disgusting, isn’t it?’ And I went, ‘No, your behavior is fucking disgusting. How would you feel if you were chased because you have a turban, or you were chased because of the color of your skin, or you were chased because of your religion? It’s about being an individual. You can’t tolerate that? Are you sick in the head?’ And they were like, ‘What? No. Why, are you gay?’ And I said, ‘No, but I can clearly see that you’re bullies. You’re just nasty human beings.’ ”
Hahahahaha! Benny, Benny, Benny, whaddya doing, bro? This is some Gwyneth shit right here! OK, fine, maaaaybe this story isn’t fake but it definitely SOUNDS SO FAKE. I don’t even know which fake detail of this fake anecdote to fake applaud the most. Is it the part that sounds like the beginning of a racist joke? Is it the one where all four of the bullies happened to be non-white? Perhaps it’s the part where Saint Whitey, at the tender age of British boarding school age, lectured said bullies like something out of a Very Special Episode of Saved by the Bell.
‘Tis a trying time indeed for us Homeless Monsters, nay, AMERICANS. Between this and recent fashion choices, will we ever look at B-Cumbs the same way again?