I apologize for taking so long between OC recaps, guys. My only excuse is that it’s hard to go from the best episode of the series to a shitty Oliver-fest like this one. Every time I tried to hit “play” and start writing about it I felt a guardian spirit guide my hand away. “Life is too short to force yourself to relive this plotline,” it whispered in my ear. But such is my devotion to you all that I ignored this sage wisdom.
The episode begins at Jimmy’s apartment. There’s a knock on the door, and Marissa’s bounces over to answer it.
You may recall that last week Oliver got arrested in the parking lot at a Rooney concert for trying to buy drugs, so Marissa is a little surprised to see him at her house. She lets him in and is like “Sorry my home is so shitty, I know you’re used to being in the penthouse at the Four Seasons.” He’s like “Whatevs, I just wanted to come here and apologize for relapsing. But don’t worry I’m fine again and going to meetings with my sponsor etc etc and best of all my beloved girlfriend Natalie and I worked out our issues!”
He says that he owes his newfound happiness to Ryan because really he should be in jail at this point but you may recall Ryan called in Sandy who called in a favor for reasons that don’t really make sense but whatever. Oliver wants to show his gratitude by taking everybody on a weekend trip to Palm Springs for some golfing. Normal teen stuff! He says his parents and Natalie will be there and I SUPER believe him.
Marissa goes to her room to call Ryan and ask if this sounds like a fun idea to him, and Oliver goes over to the mantel and stares broodingly at a picture of Ryan and Marissa and hides it behind another picture. Uh oh!
The next day Sandy attempts to teach Ryan how to golf since his upbringing was too trashy to learn such a sophisticated sport. After getting some pointers Ryan tries to hit the ball into a mug but it ends up in the pool. Luckily Seth has chosen to spend the afternoon in the pool catching Ryan’s stray balls.
Ryan is like “Fuck this I don’t want to go on this trip anyway” but Seth is like “YOU HAVE TO because I want to and my needs are more important than anybody else’s.” Seth and Sandy start talking about how awesome it is that Oliver is so rich and has mansions all over the world and Ryan hits a golf ball through a window.
Sandy goes inside Kirsten is like “Are you sure you want to let our troublemaking teenage sons go on a weekend vacation with their girlfriends and a cokehead?” Sandy is like “It’ll be fine, his parents are going to be there.” They change the subject to the fact that Caleb and Julie are due to return from a romantic European vacation. Kirsten suspects that this means Hailey will be leaving as soon as she can squeeze a little cash out of their dad.
Back at Jimmy’s, Marissa and Summer are packing for the trip. Summer has understandable reservations about tagging along on a romantic weekend with the guy who jilted her and the girl he jilted her for.
Summer comforts herself by brainstorming pranks that she could pull on Seth to get revenge, and gets disturbingly excited about the idea of putting his hand in warm water while he sleeps so he wets the bed and then Anna breaks up with him for being gross.
Later, Sandy runs into Jimmy on the street. Jimmy has just been passed over for a manager position at a seafood restaurant in favor of this guy:
He tries to cancel on dinner with Sandy and Sandy is like “But this restaurant that nobody on the show has ever mentioned but is secretly our favorite restaurant is about to close and it’s our last chance to go there!” Jimmy is like “I was going to go home and cry in the shower because I officially can’t find a job here so I’m going to have to move to Phoenix.” Sandy offers to find him some low-level job in his office and their bro-date is back on.
Marissa heads to the poolhouse to find Ryan and tells him that Summer is worried that she’ll feel left out hanging out with so many couples, so they need to make sure to mingle with everybody. Ryan is like “By which you mean Oliver I assume” and Marissa actually says the words “You don’t have a problem with Oliver, do you?” with zero sarcasm in further evidence that she is brain damaged.
Instead of saying “He’s a complete lunatic who is creepily obsessed with you and also on drugs” Ryan is like “I dunno, I don’t really trust him.” Marissa actually has the temerity to say that he and Ryan have a lot in common because they both came to Newport from a different city and didn’t know anybody and had absent parents. YOU ARE LEAVING OUT SOME KEY DETAILS LIKE CHILD ABUSE, ALCOHOLISM AND POVERTY VS. POOR LITTLE RICH BOY PROBLEMS BUT OK MARISSA WHATEVER YOU SAY.
Meanwhile Seth and Anna are lying on Seth’s bed playing Jenga and talking about how excited they are for the trip. Seth is like “I’m excited to do old people things like have early bird specials and play shuffleboard” and Anna is like “I’m excited about having a weekend with no adults so I can take that D for a test drive” and they start making out and then Summer busts in because in this episode she is actually more insane than Anna.
Everybody heads outside to where Luke is waiting with a truck full of beer. Seth questions whether they could possibly need that much alcohol and Luke says “You can’t play golf without a buzz on!” He’s so right, as always ❤
Luke tries to bond with Summer about being the only single people on this trip and Summer does not see this for the amazing opportunity to move on to a far superior boyfriend that it is because, as previously stated, she has lost her goddamn mind.
Oliver strolls up looking super sad and is like “Hey guys, you’ll never believe it but Natalie and I broke up. Maybe we should just cancel the trip 😦 ”
Ryan is like “Hellz yeah” but Marissa is like “No way! Not only are we going to go on this trip and have the best time ever, but also I’m going to ride with you instead of my boyfriend so I can talk you through your many emotions!” Ryan is like “UM OK MARISSA WHATEVER YOU SAY” and then Luke says “Hey Chino, why don’t you ride with me?” and I’m like “Girl remove the word ‘with’ from that sentence and this is the slash fic I’ve been dreaming of.”
After the kids are gone, Caleb and Julie show up at the Cohen house with a giant wheel of brie. Within five seconds Caleb is like “WHERE IS MY FAVORITE DAUGHTER HAILEY WHO I LOVE SO MUCH MORE THAN YOU?????” Kirsten says that she’s in the shower and that he should be happy because she seems to be in high spirits. Caleb is like “SHE’S HIGH????” because he is an old man and easily confused.
Hailey comes downstairs and is like “Hi daddy!” and they are so happy to see each other because garbage loves garbage! Kirsten and Julie are like
Caleb orders Kirsten to make him some lunch which is the second sign in as many minutes that he may be suffering from dementia because HELLO everybody knows Kirsten can’t cook. I’m sincerely surprised that this does not develop into a dramatic subplot about Alzheimer’s.
The kids make it to Oliver’s house in Palm Springs and I shit you not, the song “It’s Not Unusual” plays over a shot of Ryan and Luke arriving and unpacking the truck together. EVEN THE MUSIC SUPERVISOR IS A LYAN SHIPPER.
They go in the house to find Marissa and Oliver looking pretty cozy on the couch. Luke is mostly concerned about getting his 478 beers into a refrigerator and Oliver shows him to the kitchen. Ryan is trying so hard to be nice about this ridiculous situation and asks Marissa how Oliver is doing and even pretends to care. She says he’s a little fragile right now and then Oliver comes in and is like
Seth and Summer and Anna arrive and apparently Summer made them listen to an audiobook of The DaVinci Code on the drive for which I love her because there is no more perfect torture! Sandy calls Seth to check in and Ryan is like “Hey, speaking of parents, aren’t yours supposed to be here, Oliver?” He’s like “Their plane got delayed and I don’t think they’re going to make it! So strange how everybody from my life continually fails to show up for our group hangs!”
He then shows everybody to their rooms and OH MY GOD WHAT A CRAZY MISTAKE Ryan and Marissa’s room has twin beds instead of a fucking-size bed! Oh no 😦
Marissa doesn’t want to hurt Oliver’s fragile feelings so she says it’s fine. She goes into the next room to change into golfing clothes and Oliver is like “While I have you alone, thanks for being so understanding of my need to isolate Marissa from you and all your friends! I know it must be hard to trust people after the whole thing with Luke!” Ryan is like “HOW DID YOU KNOW ABOUT MY THING WITH LUKE???? OH HA HA YOU MEAN OUR LOVE TRIANGLE YES THAT’S WHAT I MEANT TOO.” But anyway, he’s very irritated to hear that Marissa has told Oliver his entire life story.
Back home Sandy runs into a coworker on his way into the office and is like “Oh hi, how’s it going, do you think you have any openings for a white collar criminal in your department because I am BFFs with one!” The guy is like
and sarcastically suggests that if he loves Jimmy so much he should go into business with him.
At the house, Kirsten and Julie stare out the window to where Caleb and Hailey are chatting happily. Kirsten is like “My dad loves Hailey the most because she looks exactly like our dead mom” and says that Hailey is probably currently selling him some story about wanting to help starving children in Africa so he’ll give her money and she can go on a booze cruise. Julie is like “I can’t believe he doesn’t realize that she’s just using him for his money” without even a hint of self-awareness.
Kirsten is worried that someday Hailey will go on so many booze cruises that she will one day never come back and Julie is like “Yeah yeah but also she is distracting my fella from our relationship. Please tell him to cut her off!”
The children are now at the golf course and Marissa is soooo bad at golfing that Oliver has to come sexily teach her how to hold a club. She still ends up hitting her ball into the trees, and then it’s Ryan’s turn. Through the sheer power of his rage he is able to hit the ball really far and Oliver is like “LOL buddy I hope you weren’t picturing my face on the ball! JK I know we’re besties!”
Meanwhile Seth and Anna and Summer are off on their own and their outfits are fucking unbelievable.
Summer continues to torment them through her constant presence and Anna is like “Bitch better step the fuck off.” Seth is like “Yeah I know she’s annoying but who else is she going to hang out with? Luke?” and I’m like “She should be so lucky.”
On the other side of the course, Ryan fails to make a putt and Oliver jeers at him. Luke is like “I’m gonna kill that guy,” once again proving his worth since literally everybody else still thinks Oliver is swell. Ryan is like “Ditto.” Oliver complains to Marissa that he doesn’t understand why Ryan doesn’t like him.
Ryan fails at putting yet again but Marissa and Oliver are distracted by their fascinating conversation so Luke is like “Dude just kick it in the hole, nobody will see.” These two are just too cute for words. Ryan kicks it in and Luke is like “WOW NICE SHOT, BUDDY!” and Oliver is like “Let’s race to the next hole!”
Some very dramatic music plays as they get in their golf carts and start zooming around. It seems like it’s all in good fun until Oliver attempts to collide with Luke and Ryan head-on causing them to crash into some trees. Oliver is like “LOL oops” and Marissa is like “What a strange accident!” and Ryan is like
He yells at Oliver who continues to pretend it was an accident and Marissa runs off to comfort him because he’s so fragile. Luckily Luke knows what’s up.
They both take a hard look at themselves and wonder why they are so into Marissa when she is the dumbest dummy in Dumbtown.
That night Kirsten decides to bail on the father-daughters dinner she’s supposed to go to. Caleb comes to see her in the kitchen to ask why she’s ditching him. Kirsten says she’s not interested in watching Hailey ask him for money again and advises him to cut her off. He makes a pensive face.
Over in Palm Springs, Seth fires up the humidifier and then gets into bed with Anna.
She is trying to be sexy but Seth is like “I love this bathrobe I love these pillows I love this posturepedic bed I love literally anything else in the world other than the idea of getting busy with you!” Luckily before his lack of interest can become evident, Summer bursts in and is like “HEY GUYS CAN I HANG WITH YOU BECAUSE LUKE IS ALTERNATING BETWEEN WATCHING FOOTBALL AND PORN RIGHT NOW.”
They try to shoo her away but she guilt trips them hard about how she thought this was a weekend of friendship and finally they relent and she jumps into bed with them.
In the kitchen Ryan tries to wash the dishes because even though he has lived in the OC for a long time now he is still a hobo at heart. Oliver is like “How quaint!” and then asks where Marissa is. He says she’s getting ready to spend some quality time in the hot tub with him. Oliver is like “COOL I’M NOT JEALOUS! BTW can we start over and be friends?” Ryan is like “No, you are obviously trying to steal my girlfriend so can we stop playing games?”
Oliver freaks out and smashes a dish and starts hitting himself in the head over and over and yelling “I’M SO STUPID AHGHGHGHHHHH!” and Ryan is like “GIRL TAKE IT EASY.” Marissa comes in and is like
Oliver is like “Everything is fine! I’m gonna go to the grocery store now see ya!” and runs out of there. Marissa is like “RYAN WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO MY FRIEND?” and Ryan is like “RU 4 REAL.” She tells him that Oliver may have issues but Ryan is clearly the crazy one here.
Meanwhile Sandy is at dinner with Jimmy at that super special restaurant that’s about to close. He tells Jimmy that nobody on earth will ever hire him and he needs to get out of town. Jimmy is like “Eh, NBD. A fresh start could be nice!” They talk about their childhood career dreams and then Jimmy says his favorite job ever was when he was manager of the very restaurant they are eating at. They talk about what a shame it is that the restaurant is closing because it’s so great and John Wayne used to eat there and really it would be very easy to renovate it and make it all fancy again and then suddenly they are like “OH MY GOD LET’S BE RESTAURANTEURS TOGETHER!” and I’m like how drunk is Sandy to think that this is a good idea???
So Seth and Anna and Summer are still watching TV together in bed and Seth and Anna are being all cuddly and making fun of everything on TV and Seth is like “We are sooooo funny we should totally have our own TV show!” and Summer is like “TOTES! In fact, you guys are just like brother and sister!” and then suddenly all nascent boners deflate. Her work complete, Summer goes back to her own room and leaves Seth and Anna to sleep chastely beside one another.
Oliver has not yet returned from the grocery store and Marissa is sitting up in her bathrobe waiting for him. Ryan comes in and is like “So what’s Oliver’s deal anyway?” and Marissa says he has depression and substance abuse problems and she’s sooooo worried about him. At that moment Oliver calls her from the Four Seasons and is like “UGHHHHH I WENT HOME AND TOOK A BUNCH OF PILLS OOPSIE I’M SO SCARED!” She tells him to call an ambulance and he says he doesn’t want to and she just lets it go because she is Marissa. She tells him to throw up and then gets ready to drive to his rescue instead of just calling the damn ambulance herself.
She and Ryan drive back to Newport and then we cut back and forth between them being all tense and scared and then Oliver at his hotel listening to tunes and dancing around and hiding all of his pills in a decorative vase to make his story look real.
Back at home Hailey comes storming in to Kirsten’s bedroom to yell at her because apparently Caleb took her advice about not giving Hailey any more money. She’s like “YOU’RE WRECKING MY LIFE YOU TRIFLING TRAMP!” and Kirsten is like “I love you but STFU. If you want money from dad you could work for him like me!” Hailey is like “LOL no way” and packs a bag and leaves.
So all the way from Palm Springs to the Four Seasons Marissa has been trying to call Oliver to make sure he’s alive and he hasn’t answered because he is a dick, so when they finally get there Marissa is frantic and sobs while pounding on the door of his suite until he finally opens it.
Marissa asks for more information on what kinds of pills he took and how many and he’s like “Uhhh I don’t remember but I’m totes fine now, promise.” Marissa tells him he needs to rehydrate and offers to call room service to get him some Gatorade and Ryan is like “Hey guys this may sound crazy but hear me out: LET’S TAKE HIM TO THE FUCKING HOSPITAL.” Oliver says he can’t go to the hospital because then they’ll put him on suicide watch and call the cops who will call his parents and that all sounds like way too much of a bummer and he just wants to take a nap.
Sandy comes home from his ridiculous dinner with Jimmy and he is quite drunk.
He’s like “Jimmy Cooper is so pathetic and I’m so bored of working for the evil law firm that I decided to sink all of my savings into a restaurant aren’t I smart?” and Kirsten is like “Wow you are more hammered than I thought.” But she’s so happy that her husband and her ex are now BFFs so she goes along with it.
Luke pulls his giant truck into the Cohens’ driveway and looks in the backseat where Seth and Anna are sleeping and cuddling. He’s like “Awwww look Summer, they’re so sweet!” and Summer reaches over and honks the horn to wake them up. Both Seth and Anna get out here which I guess means Anna is sleeping over at the Cohens’? Which seems weird? Or maybe probably this is just very lazy writing to facilitate the next scene in which Luke and Summer talk about how weird it is to watch your ex-love interest being in love with somebody else.
Summer is like “Ugh, whatever, I’ll just find somebody new” and Luke says that whoever it is is super lucky because, and I quote
Summer LOLs and says “No way Jose” because she has terrible taste in men. Luke takes it in stride though and drives her home.
Back at the Four Seasons Ryan is doing some sleuthing while Marissa and Oliver are in the next room and finds an empty pill bottle. Marissa comes in and is like “Oh hi, I’m going to stay here with Oliver tonight to make sure he doesn’t try to top himself again!” and Ryan is like “I don’t even believe he tried to top himself the first time. Why wouldn’t he let us take him to the hospital?” and Marissa says because his parents would have shipped him off to an institution. Ryan then really steps in it by saying that maybe he belongs in an institution because what kind of person does this kind of shit? Marissa is like
Oliver comes in and is like “Hey Ryan, thanks so much for being so helpful tonight! Sorry for ruining your weekend!” and Ryan just glares at him and then Marissa glares at Ryan until he finally leaves, hopefully to run into Luke’s arms.