Dracula 3000 or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love This Shitty Movie

#muchfancy #sographics

I’m not gonna lie, when the credits started, I thought this was a much more serious movie than I had remembered.  Casper Van Dien?  He’s a real actor who was definitely in Oscar Award-Winning classic Starship Troopers!  Maybe I had picked the wrong movie!  Could I actually write about a serious Dracula film?  Probably not!  Great news, guys: I wouldn’t have to.  Also the graphics are just really good!

So the movie really gets going once we meet Abraham Van Helsing.  I have to say that it’s pretty cool that this guy just happened to have the same last name as other vampire hunters.  So clever!  Also, for me personally, I just appreciate the introduction to all the characters.  Sometimes I’m watching the movie and I go into watching “Mom Style” and it’s all “wait, who is that?” and “how does she know that lady?” (That’s not a joke, it really is nice to have the characters spelled out with photos and jobs and all that.)

The story begins with a pretty spooky search of an old spaceship.  If you didn’t already think it was spooky (and the music wasn’t giving it away!), there’s some shadowy figure that whisks through the scene to remind you that this is a horror movie.  I’m scared already.  This lady must’ve gotten lost because she runs back and forth between two tunnels about 3 times.  I think we’re supposed to believe that they’re different tunnels, but they’re clearly shot at two different sides of the same tunnel.  Also, is homegirl wearing pigtails?  You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me.  Then, it turns out she was being pranked by her best friend, Prankasaurus, who keeps calling her “Little Girl” and even Casper Van Dien (our hero) doesn’t believe her when she says she’s okay, he has to ask Prankasaurus and I throw up all over my pigtails.  But this review isn’t about #yesallwomen, it’s about a dumb horror movie, so I’ll loosen up my pigtails and ignore the sexism throughout the rest of the movie.  Remember we’re still in the good part of the movie!  It’s still spooky!  We haven’t even seen Dracula yet!  Or his super great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandson Dracula 3000.

Prankasaurus (played by Tiny Lister, for real) pulls some more great pranks and jokes about his package, which is nothing compared to how much weed we see Coolio smoke.  I guess they’re going to band together and call this new ship Pranksters’ Paradise!

He died laughing at that joke!

At this point the movie could actually work as a decent sci-fi flick – you’ve got the creepy tunnels, the German guy video talking about something invading, lots of bad feelings – and I think we should try to figure out at what point this movie really goes off the rails.  I’m not saying it was ever good, just that it’s set up like a standard sci-fi and that maybe the title really hurts it because we know we’re gonna see vampires sooner or later.

The crew finds a dead guy and determine he tied himself to a chair with a crucifix.  Coolio is pretty insensitive about the dead guy and then Prankasaurus gets serious and I’m starting to think maybe this isn’t Pranksters’ Paradise!  Blonde lady who is wearing leather pants for some reason keeps coming off like a real buzzkill and pigtails is still scared.  Thankfully, Casper Van Dien keeps everyone on target and, most of all, keeps the story moving along.  Then they get stuck on the spooky spaceship or they’re trapped or something.  Coolio finds a bunch of coffins and they’re all filled with sand and this doesn’t strike him or Prankasaurus as weird or spooky but Coolio (who cut his hand opening a coffin) drips blood into the sand and it starts to sizzle and I don’t want to jump to any conclusions, but I think all hell is about to break loose!!!

So hot right now…

Then I guess Coolio gets a broken leg which is instantly fixed by Blondie in Leather Pants (who must be a medical professional based on how easily she just twists it back into place) but the real threat is from the definitely-teeth-bites on his neck.  NOW COOLIO IS A VAMPIRE AND EVERYTHING IS AWESOME!

Cool eyes, bro

From this point, Coolio just terrorizes the crew and there’s lots of rhyming and dirty jokes.  I want to say it’s weird, but it’s not any more ridiculous than this drugstore vampire costume and the idiot wearing it:

What, no medallion?

Drugstore Costume tries to get with Blondie with Leather Pants and, frankly, he’s coming on a little strong.  Chill out, bro!  Also, she asks what he wants and he says, “Darkness.  Infinite darkness.”  Um, cool, or whatever, but also, just like try to see the good in the situation sometimes.  Sometimes it’s just like you choose to be sad about stuff and you could just as easily choose to be happy if you wanted.  But Blondie seems into it, so good for them for finding each other!

Okay, here’s some dialogue I had to transcribe just to make sure it’s real:

Casper: So have you seen 187 [Coolio]?

Blondie: No, but I saw him.

Casper: So you did see him?

Blondie: No, him.

Classic American cinema. (yeah, I get it, she was emphasizing “him” meaning Count Orlock of Transylvania [super duh] but they don’t know to whom she’s referring and it’s just ridiculous either way).  Also turns out he wants dinner, not infinite darkness.  It’s cool, buddy, I get hangry too sometimes!

“All this bloodsucking stuff, that’s some white people shit, right?” (More actual dialogue.)

So everyone kind of freaks out and Wheelchair guy (Glasses guy?  But then it’d be weird that I DIDN’T mention the wheelchair, right??) discovers that Van Helsing (Casper) is actually the original vampire hunter (not Abe Lincoln, contrary to popular belief).  There’s a standoff with Coolio which ends tragically despite the fact that Casper Van Dien just stood there in the doorway doing nothing.  Coolio gets stabbed with a pool stick (they’re in the rec room) (Also, how are the neon stars still on???) and no one even had a clever quip about his name 187.  Turns out Blondie is a Narc-bot (“She’s Five-O” Tiny says like that’s a thing people still say) so they don’t worry about her becoming a vampire.  We haven’t seen Pigtails for awhile and I’m guessing she became Drugstore Costume’s lover after he found out Blondie was a robot.  The ship heads for the sun (twin suns!) because you know how Drugstore Vampires hate the sun.  Then there’s lots of fighting and running and killing vampires and Drugstore Costume promising Wheelchair Guy he can walk which is, ah, not cool.  Casper doesn’t make it (he got staked!) and Wheelchair Guy was a vampire, but Blondie staked him anyway (again, not cool, why is everyone so mean to Wheelchair Guy??).  Did I miss Pigtails’ death?  RIP.

Drugstore Costume gets trapped in a door which cuts his left arm off (he’s going to be all right.  Because he’s a vampire).  At this point, all we have left is Tiny & Blondie and we all start to worry how they’re going to make it out alive!  The ship is still headed towards to sun!  Worry no more because it turns out that Blondie was first a pleasure-bot (before she was a Narc-bot) and they’re going to bang until the ship hits the sun and explodes, killing everyone.  Best ending possible for this movie or most perfect ending for any movie?  We’ll never know.  (Just kidding, it’s the most perfect ending for any movie.)

Fin.

About collin0truckasaurus

Truck is a fan of cheeseburgers, gifs of cats, and saying the F word. She has lived a bunch of different places but the internet is by far her favorite. Her main complaint in life is that food noted as "spicy" on a menu is never spicy enough.
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23 Responses to Dracula 3000 or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love This Shitty Movie

  1. Every movie would be improved a minimum of 78% if it included vampire Coolio.

    • nastyemu says:

      Also Deebo from Friday and the stripper that falls asleep inside the cake in Under Siege! A+ casting decisions.

  2. FRQ says:

    Is this the sequel to Dracula 2000?

    • facetaco says:

      No, it’s Andre 3000’s little brother.

    • Erika says:

      I think it’s a trequel. I saw the sequel to Dracula 2000, and it involved regenerating the burnt-to-a-crisp Dracula. Once I realized Dracula was no longer being played by Gerard Butler, I lost interest and changed the channel.

  3. flanny says:

    Me, while reading that second-to-last paragraph

    (Still a good gif.)

  4. nastyemu says:

    Other things I loved:
    The crew constantly running around the ship to tell important information to the others, despite all of them wearing earpiece/microphones.
    The earpiece/microphones disappearing and reappearing between cuts because of what I assume was a very drunk continuity supervisor.
    Maybe I was drunk or not paying attention, but I think there was some dialogue early on that implied that Christianity was not only no longer a thing in 3000, but that the average person wasn’t even aware it ever was a thing. I don’t think it ever came up again.

    • Yeah, they don’t know what a crucifix is at first. They called it something hilarious (a plus sign?) at first and Casper corrected them.
      I also loved the running around because I think we’re supposed to believe that they’re in different tunnels each time but there’s clearly just one tunnel.

      • nastyemu says:

        Haha, right, a plus sign. I’m pretty sure the woman that came out of a coffin and got killed towards the end was supposed to be Pig Tails.
        I really loved the ending. No sarcasmo. I was 100% sure CvD was going to save the day end up with Sleepy Cake Stripper, so having her be a fucking robot (literally) and everyone dying was perfect.

        • Oh me too, I loved the ending. It was the perfect blend of absurd and satisfying! Also quick! I hate when movies drag out the ending. There are just so many movies where you hope everyone dies, and it clearly works as a perfect ending.

        • Also, in case it wasn’t clear in my review, for those of you who didn’t watch – the ending happens in about a minute. They go from “We’re still headed towards the sun” to “I’m actually a pleasure bot!” to “Let’s bang” to explosion in literally a minute. It’s perfect.

        • hotspur says:

          This ending sounds amazing. I forgot I quit this movie before the end and watched Event Horizon instead. So I kept reading like, “When is truck gonna mention [the thing that happened in Event Horizon]?”

          I was super excited about Vampire Coolio. I was ALSO excited about Sleepy Cake Stripper (perfect) but I could not hang with wheelchair guy. I got out because he kept being alive and also because he was in it at all. Get out, wheelchair guy! You are more trouble than you are worth!

          (No offense to our handicapable monsters. I would not trap you on a spaceship with a vampire and root against you in real life.)

          (80% true.)

    • hotspur says:

      I think they say Christianity was actually outlawed. But just like 20 years ago? RIP Christianity, 0-2980. And now no one has heard of it — but they still get references like “187.” This movie was ridiculous. I mean there is a guy in a wheelchair, because 1000 years from now we have not cured all the leg things I guess, and okay sure, but why is it a budget 1990 wheelchair? Shouldn’t it be ultralight aluminum and able to handle stairs? I was so full of hate when there were stairs and wheelchair guy was like “Um… aren’t you forgetting something?” and then Deebo has to carry him down. I guess that is funny! But: hate.

      • Erika says:

        Even if they haven’t figured out how to regenerate nerve tissue, you’d think they’d have an exoskeleton thing to walk around in; you know, like in Aliens. I don’t really understand why we don’t have something like that now.

        • hotspur says:

          Yes. It is very disappointing that Dracula 3000 did not more successfully imagine the medical practices of one thousand years from now.

  5. old man fatima says:

    I didn’t watch this in preparation, but now wish I had. I *did* watch the Fright Night remake though, and uhhh you guys why didn’t any of you tell me that David Tennant is in it? And that he is PERFECT IN EVERY WAY in it?? Just when I thought I could not love him any more…

    • flanny says:

      Secret Halloween confession: I saw that twice in the theater. Because I loved it. I think we tried to see it a third time and its run had ended and then I just counted down until it was on Redbox.

    • nastyemu says:

      It’s not even 90 minutes long. Go ahead and watch it, we’ll wait.

    • hotspur says:

      AHHHHH I wanted to see that but no one would go with me! Not even my friend who I kid you not claimed Fright Night as his SECOND-FAVORITE MOVIE OF ALL TIME when we were in high school.

  6. I am going to read this tonight! But before that I just want to add my story about this movie:

    I discovered this movie in college around Halloween via the IMDB page for Dracula 2000, which we were watching in my apartment. Since I had Netflix DVDs at the time, I of course immediately ordered it. Without having any inkling of what the hell this movie was, I proceeded to invite everyone over to watch it on Halloween, which thankfully was a Wednesday. Somehow the stars aligned and there were at least 25 people crammed in my living room. The opening (or at least early) line of “this is disconcerting” brought on hysterics that did not end until the movie was over, because let’s be honest nothing we ever could’ve imagined would’ve been as good as what the movie actually is. I’m not kidding when I say that was the best party I’ve ever hosted, thanks to this movie, spiked cider, and buckets of dirt/other kid-themed snacks. Mostly the movie, though, with it’s guy in a wheelchair in the year 3000, Coolio getting high, Dracula still dressed like Victorian times and so much more.

    What I’m trying to say is that I would put this movie on my top 10 list with absolutely no regrets.

  7. hotspur says:

    This review inspired me to finish watching the movie, and whoa. The last 35 minutes are the best part. The ending IS perfect, and the run-up to it is pretty amazing as well. I semi enjoyed people saying “Been there, done that” in 3000, and got fully on board with wheelchair guy; I owe him and his chair an apology.

    Although my vestigial Catholic upbringing was still annoyed that they kept calling the plus signs “crucifixes.” A crucifix has a tiny Jesus on it. A plus sign without a Jesus is just a cross.

    • I’m so glad you went back to watch the end.
      As for your wheelchair comments above, I couldn’t agree more. In some ways I kind of liked that they didn’t even try to make it look like it takes place in the future (or with the dialogue) except for totally not understanding Christianity. “What’s the future like?” “Probably no Christianity.” “Yep, that’s the only difference!” -The writers, probably.

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