I’m not gonna lie, when the credits started, I thought this was a much more serious movie than I had remembered. Casper Van Dien? He’s a real actor who was definitely in Oscar Award-Winning classic Starship Troopers! Maybe I had picked the wrong movie! Could I actually write about a serious Dracula film? Probably not! Great news, guys: I wouldn’t have to. Also the graphics are just really good!
So the movie really gets going once we meet Abraham Van Helsing. I have to say that it’s pretty cool that this guy just happened to have the same last name as other vampire hunters. So clever! Also, for me personally, I just appreciate the introduction to all the characters. Sometimes I’m watching the movie and I go into watching “Mom Style” and it’s all “wait, who is that?” and “how does she know that lady?” (That’s not a joke, it really is nice to have the characters spelled out with photos and jobs and all that.)
The story begins with a pretty spooky search of an old spaceship. If you didn’t already think it was spooky (and the music wasn’t giving it away!), there’s some shadowy figure that whisks through the scene to remind you that this is a horror movie. I’m scared already. This lady must’ve gotten lost because she runs back and forth between two tunnels about 3 times. I think we’re supposed to believe that they’re different tunnels, but they’re clearly shot at two different sides of the same tunnel. Also, is homegirl wearing pigtails? You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me. Then, it turns out she was being pranked by her best friend, Prankasaurus, who keeps calling her “Little Girl” and even Casper Van Dien (our hero) doesn’t believe her when she says she’s okay, he has to ask Prankasaurus and I throw up all over my pigtails. But this review isn’t about #yesallwomen, it’s about a dumb horror movie, so I’ll loosen up my pigtails and ignore the sexism throughout the rest of the movie. Remember we’re still in the good part of the movie! It’s still spooky! We haven’t even seen Dracula yet! Or his super great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandson Dracula 3000.
Prankasaurus (played by Tiny Lister, for real) pulls some more great pranks and jokes about his package, which is nothing compared to how much weed we see Coolio smoke. I guess they’re going to band together and call this new ship Pranksters’ Paradise!
At this point the movie could actually work as a decent sci-fi flick – you’ve got the creepy tunnels, the German guy video talking about something invading, lots of bad feelings – and I think we should try to figure out at what point this movie really goes off the rails. I’m not saying it was ever good, just that it’s set up like a standard sci-fi and that maybe the title really hurts it because we know we’re gonna see vampires sooner or later.
The crew finds a dead guy and determine he tied himself to a chair with a crucifix. Coolio is pretty insensitive about the dead guy and then Prankasaurus gets serious and I’m starting to think maybe this isn’t Pranksters’ Paradise! Blonde lady who is wearing leather pants for some reason keeps coming off like a real buzzkill and pigtails is still scared. Thankfully, Casper Van Dien keeps everyone on target and, most of all, keeps the story moving along. Then they get stuck on the spooky spaceship or they’re trapped or something. Coolio finds a bunch of coffins and they’re all filled with sand and this doesn’t strike him or Prankasaurus as weird or spooky but Coolio (who cut his hand opening a coffin) drips blood into the sand and it starts to sizzle and I don’t want to jump to any conclusions, but I think all hell is about to break loose!!!
Then I guess Coolio gets a broken leg which is instantly fixed by Blondie in Leather Pants (who must be a medical professional based on how easily she just twists it back into place) but the real threat is from the definitely-teeth-bites on his neck. NOW COOLIO IS A VAMPIRE AND EVERYTHING IS AWESOME!
From this point, Coolio just terrorizes the crew and there’s lots of rhyming and dirty jokes. I want to say it’s weird, but it’s not any more ridiculous than this drugstore vampire costume and the idiot wearing it:
Drugstore Costume tries to get with Blondie with Leather Pants and, frankly, he’s coming on a little strong. Chill out, bro! Also, she asks what he wants and he says, “Darkness. Infinite darkness.” Um, cool, or whatever, but also, just like try to see the good in the situation sometimes. Sometimes it’s just like you choose to be sad about stuff and you could just as easily choose to be happy if you wanted. But Blondie seems into it, so good for them for finding each other!
Okay, here’s some dialogue I had to transcribe just to make sure it’s real:
Casper: So have you seen 187 [Coolio]?
Blondie: No, but I saw him.
Casper: So you did see him?
Blondie: No, him.
Classic American cinema. (yeah, I get it, she was emphasizing “him” meaning Count Orlock of Transylvania [super duh] but they don’t know to whom she’s referring and it’s just ridiculous either way). Also turns out he wants dinner, not infinite darkness. It’s cool, buddy, I get hangry too sometimes!
“All this bloodsucking stuff, that’s some white people shit, right?” (More actual dialogue.)
So everyone kind of freaks out and Wheelchair guy (Glasses guy? But then it’d be weird that I DIDN’T mention the wheelchair, right??) discovers that Van Helsing (Casper) is actually the original vampire hunter (not Abe Lincoln, contrary to popular belief). There’s a standoff with Coolio which ends tragically despite the fact that Casper Van Dien just stood there in the doorway doing nothing. Coolio gets stabbed with a pool stick (they’re in the rec room) (Also, how are the neon stars still on???) and no one even had a clever quip about his name 187. Turns out Blondie is a Narc-bot (“She’s Five-O” Tiny says like that’s a thing people still say) so they don’t worry about her becoming a vampire. We haven’t seen Pigtails for awhile and I’m guessing she became Drugstore Costume’s lover after he found out Blondie was a robot. The ship heads for the sun (twin suns!) because you know how Drugstore Vampires hate the sun. Then there’s lots of fighting and running and killing vampires and Drugstore Costume promising Wheelchair Guy he can walk which is, ah, not cool. Casper doesn’t make it (he got staked!) and Wheelchair Guy was a vampire, but Blondie staked him anyway (again, not cool, why is everyone so mean to Wheelchair Guy??). Did I miss Pigtails’ death? RIP.
Drugstore Costume gets trapped in a door which cuts his left arm off (he’s going to be all right. Because he’s a vampire). At this point, all we have left is Tiny & Blondie and we all start to worry how they’re going to make it out alive! The ship is still headed towards to sun! Worry no more because it turns out that Blondie was first a pleasure-bot (before she was a Narc-bot) and they’re going to bang until the ship hits the sun and explodes, killing everyone. Best ending possible for this movie or most perfect ending for any movie? We’ll never know. (Just kidding, it’s the most perfect ending for any movie.)