Monster Marriages

Fresh off of the horrifying new of B T Cumbersmooch’s engagement, and my horrifying revelation that I watch and legitimately love the pinnacle of reality television, FYI channel’s Married at First Sight, I think that we as a family need to talk about that most sacred institution.

Specifically, they are casting for season two of this venerable program. I was going to do the ultimate TIFTT and marry a stranger on national television for us, but I am UNFORTUNATELY a citizen of the glorious People’s Democratic Republic of Canada. This gives us some options:

1 – We can nominate a single American monster to fill out the ridiculously long application form, and I will personally donate 20 Canadian dollars (more valuable than gold, basically) to your pre-ceremony booze fund. You’re really going to need a lot of it.

2 – We can conduct our own “social experiment” by having “experts” (commentatrix has the most say, as our blog’s beloved life coach / adviser) pair us up with each other and / or strangers for a month. Still working on where we would find these strangers. We could make online dating profiles and our experts can choose who we contact for a date? Work in progress, this one.

3 – Anyone with more than one animal in their house can have a wedding ceremony for two or more of them (we are an open-minded blog) and keep us posted with weekly progress updates / photos, and we as a family can vote on who stays married and who gets divorced at the end of the month.

4 – Wedding-themed Monster Meetup.

5 – All of the above.

Seriously, look at these happy couples. Pure Bliss. Definitely meant to last. I’m only halfway through the season, so as far as I’m concerned they’re all still married.

About old man fatima

They say that Old Man Fatima is over 400 years old, and that she stays alive by feeding on kids like you and me every Halloween. I heard she turns into an owl at night and flies around the neighbourhood looking for her next victim and that nobody has ever seen her blink.
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21 Responses to Monster Marriages

  1. flanny says:

    I don’t have any animals, but I do have a Zac Efron cardboard cut out and a Louis Tomlinson cardboard cut out and I would be happy to marry them and document the up-and-downs of their pretty, pretty life together.

    • I’m going to have to insist that you do this.

    • old man fatima says:

      I feel like you already have the first 2 years of their life together written in a document saved as “Thanksgiving Recipes” or “Cassettes I Own” or something.

    • catweazle says:

      Ditto but with Star Wars action figures. I’d be happy to marry Han Solo to C3PO.

      • hotspur says:

        That marriage would be a lot of work but in the end they’d agree they’d had more good days than bad.

    • welcometocostcoiloveyou says:

      Mr. Costco and I have a Clint Eastwood cardboard cut out, and although he is a loner cutout, we did include him in our engagement pictures. Maybe we can find him a lady – I’m thinking Veronica Mars or one of the Orphan Black clones. Clint needs a bad ass lady.

  2. Casey says:

    I have a dog and cat (both female) that I will now think of as married, if that helps. As of now, they sleep on different sides of the yard, so we might get a few juicy weeks of couple’s therapy episodes.

    • old man fatima says:

      YES, and we need little wedding dresses for them. And pants suits for their therapy sessions, neither of them wants the counselor to think they’re a rube so they both dress like high-powered businesswomen. It’s the trick my old roommate used to use when she went to see psychics (I know, I know).

  3. nastyemu says:

    Hmmm. I am already married but I don’t see my wife M-Th right now, so I could use a weekday wife or even husband. He/She would need to be able/willing to cook though.

  4. Sota says:

    I am single and I am definitely making questionable dating choices. But even those bad choices aren’t dramatic enough to warrant a mediocre cable reality show and I am NOT interested in marrying at first sight.

    • Sota says:

      I would watch any of you all get married at first sight though. Thats just good television!

      • old man fatima says:

        Maybe I should start a petition to bring it to Canadialand instead. I’m sure you could all find it on

  5. hotspur says:

    I have a couple of plants on the same windowsill and one has drooped into the other. I’d been thinking it was drought-related, but maybe it is love. As an internet minister certified in the state of California, I could perform the ceremony to make them honest.

  6. I would honestly consider doing that, if only for the fact that it would a fascinating experience. Is there a section on the application where I can stipulate that they must be supportive of my One Direction lifestyle?

    • old man fatima says:

      There are A LOT of lifestyle questions on there, I’m sure you can sneak in a few mentions.

  7. Commentatrix says:

    Ahhh! What a day to miss the Homeless Monsters action! Yes, I would love to act as any sort of “expert,” whether it’s telling you all whom to marry or just what to do with your lives in general. First match: catweazle and you, fatima. I think catweazle could be a great asset in helping you vet potential friends/boyfriends, while you would in turn help her to better tolerate people, even if those people are idiots. Trix Matches are made with deep consideration and forethought, people!

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