A Birth-Day Murder Most Foul

Samuel J. Yellowdog’s birthday began quite the same as any other day. He awoke at 4am and dressed for his 13 hour shift in the bone mines. At the ripe old age of 2, he was almost too old for this type of work and would soon have to look into a life of thuggery or factory labour. He was unsure which was worse. The only thing that helped him through his grueling day of digging up bones was the knowledge that his dog friends would soon be partying with him as though it were 1899, which it would be in 42 days. He could have no idea what horrors lay in wait for him.

At 5:18pm, his guests began to arrive. They brought with them the usual gifts: something rotten, a piece of someone else’s poop, human food from the garbage, a shoe. His brother, Jebediah L. Yellowdog, had fermented some bones in his shed to make a strong, illegal imbibement known as “pooch”. By the time the entertainment arrived at 7:22pm, all of the dogs were pooched, half were engaged in a dice game, and two were arguing over a female. They all stopped to listen to the birthday music and dancing broke out.

At 8pm on the snout, the door opened and the party-goers were all shocked to see Samuel’s boss from the bone mines, Lord Hershel M. Pennysniffer. Pennysniffer at first claimed only to have come to wish Samuel a happy birthday, and the celebrants were far enough into their pooch that they believed them. The mistake would prove to be fatal.

Pennysniffer brought a cake made entirely out of feces, and was soon the life of the party.

While the other dogs were eating and rolling around in the poop-cake, Pennysniffer took Samuel aside to give him the news. He was being let go. “2 years is already well into adulthood for a dog,” Pennysniffer is alleged to have explained. “We need the nimble tiny paws of pups to get into all the nooks and crannies of the mine. You understand.” Pennysniffer tuned to leave, but Samuel’s mournful howl alerted the other dogs to the tragedy. The unreliable gas lighting of the era failed, and the party was plunged for a moment into darkness. By the time someone managed to fumble a flame onto a candle, Pennysniffer was already dead.

Samuel J. Yellowdog was tried for the crime and found guilty by a jury of his peers. he was sent to the pound and spent the rest of his days burying and digging up rocks under guard supervision along the side of the highway, which is actually not that bad considering what life was like for the poor in those days and at least he had one square meal of garbage per day, a roof over his head and plenty of exercise. He maintained his innocence until his last breath.

It has since been rumoured that Pennysniffer had recently ended an affair with one of the serving girls from the local watering hole, and that she had been at the party. The truth may never fully be known, but this photograph of the unnamed serving dog was taken at the trial, leading some to believe that she was indeed the real killer:

About old man fatima

They say that Old Man Fatima is over 400 years old, and that she stays alive by feeding on kids like you and me every Halloween. I heard she turns into an owl at night and flies around the neighbourhood looking for her next victim and that nobody has ever seen her blink.
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10 Responses to A Birth-Day Murder Most Foul

  1. THIS IS THE BEST THING EVER. Poor Yellowdog!

    (PS the 1:30 post is going to be a My Birthday Gif Party post, everyone. Which is not to say you can’t post birthday gifs here, but save the big guns for later, because I’m determined to be as obnoxious about this as possible.)

  2. nastyemu says:

    Oh, that was VERY good. I may not be around for the official birthday post so here is a birthday dog giving some serious side-eye:

  3. Sota says:

    The usual gifts made me LOL. Love this post.

  4. Casey says:

    Anyone know where I can score some pooch?

  5. flanny says:

    OH MY GOD. I can’t even think of a funny quip because this was too delightful.

  6. Kate says:

    Well this is the best birthday gift ever.

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