Who Should Replace Kelly Osbourne And Kathy Griffin On Fashion Police?

Shortly after Kelly Osbourne left the show, reportedly because of Giuliana Rancic’s sort of racist comments about a celebrity named Zendaya who I am too old to know about I think, Kathy Griffin has announced that she’s leaving too. She was the replacement for the late Joan Rivers but made it a mere seven episodes before she couldn’t take it anymore. You can read her reasons for leaving at the link, and you should because they are good reasons!

This leaves Giuliana Rancic, a woman whose continued employment by the E! network after untold years of work that has been mediocre at best and incredibly cringe-inducing at worst best-in-a-different-sense is a mystery humankind may never solve, and Brad Goreski, whose name I have heard before but I don’t remember who he is and don’t care enough to look into it, as the sole bastions of televised fashion criticism. Who should fill the gaping void left in the show’s lineup? I have a few suggestions:

Donald Trump

Trump seems like the kind of guy who would be 100% on board with making fun of women’s bodies, plus his bluster and abundance of hot air could fill part of the void left behind by Joan Rivers, may she rest in peace.

Tilda Swinton

I like to imagine that if Tilda joined the Fashion Police team, she would not only offer a unique point of view but would also not deign to even acknowledge Giuliana’s presence or heed any of her words. She would simply pass down her verdicts and stare directly into the camera whenever anybody else spoke.

A Cartoon Bumblebee

This would be perfect because it could make a lot of bee-related puns and also a cartoon is not likely to have any complaints about the creative direction of the show so it probably won’t quit.

Newly-Retired Ferguson Police Chief Thomas Jackson

The timing couldn’t be better for Thomas Jackson who just retired as Ferguson’s chief of police for obvious reasons. Fashion Police has been on for years and years with all the emphasis on Fashion without any input from the actual Police. Plus I doubt Jackson would be bothered by any racist comments.

Sharon Needles As Joan Rivers

If you can’t have the real Joan, this is probably the next-best thing.

Salem From Sabrina

CAN YOU EVEN IMAGINE????

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16 Responses to Who Should Replace Kelly Osbourne And Kathy Griffin On Fashion Police?

  1. My favorite self-invented conspiracy theory is that Guiliana has all kinds of dirt on E! executives and has been blackmailing them to stay on the air this whole time, because it’s honestly the only way I can make sense of her career.

    • Commentatrix says:

      I watched her episode of E! True Hollywood Story once — What LOL no I didn’t! — and it actually made me see her in a totally different light. The woman has a masters degree! I also related to her on the tweenage immigrant level. That said, the fashion police or any red carpet fashion coverage on the E! channel fills me with too much disgust and white-hot rage to even adequately give a shit about who might take over for the current team. I mean, a manicam? For fuck’s sake!

      • I have nothing against her, really, but she is very, very, VERY bad at her job, and the fact that she’s been allowed to do it for so long is mystifying.

        • Commentatrix says:

          No, she truly is. But I feel like her incompetence is celebrated and rewarded at a place like E! (Every time I type that exclamation point I die a little.)

  2. artdorkgirl says:

    Seeing Sharon Needles as Joan just makes me wish Joan had been a guest judge on RPDR. Can you imagine???

  3. facetaco says:

    Will I give not one single shit regarding Giuliana Rancic, I just did a quick search, and I officially declare her comment to be NOT RACIST. Dreadlocks are forever associated with, among other things, marijuana. This is regardless of race. It’s not as if anyone is going around taking white dudes with dreadlocks any more seriously.

    • Commentatrix says:

      Or is it equally racist to make that association at all?

      • facetaco says:

        I wouldn’t say so. Dreadlocks are very closely associated with Rastafari, which gives marijuana a significant amount of religious importance. It’s like assuming that someone wearing a cross can’t eat fish on Fridays this month. It may not be accurate, but the correlation exists because of well-known traits of a particular belief system.

        • Millions of people all over the world who aren’t Rastafari wear their hair in dreadlocks, though. The hairstyle itself isn’t a religious symbol like a cross–or like a Sikh’s turban, to use another example–and never has been. The fact that many (white) Americans assume “dreadlocks = stoner Rastafarian” is the whole problem.

        • facetaco says:

          Sure, lots of people wear dreadlocks, and it’s reductive to assume that dreadlocks = stoner Rastafarian. But that doesn’t make it racist. That comment could have just as easily been made about a white person with dreadlocks. In fact, any white person with dreads on the red carpet would almost certainly have elicited the same joke.

        • It certainly would have, but in that case there wouldn’t have been hundreds of years of natural black hairstyles being widely considered “wild” and unprofessional as context. And that criticism would still be based in the fact that dreads, a traditionally black hairstyle, are seen as dirty. You’d never see a black person who’d straightened their hair face similar criticism, because “white” hair is seen as clean and professional.

          A whole bunch of prominent black journalists (and Zendaya herself) have responded to this incident, and have discussed all the issues surrounding the social stigma against natural black hairstyles and the discrimination they’ve faced themselves for not chemically altering their hair, so I’m not going to keep on it when they’ve explained it so much better. I definitely don’t think Guiliana meant to be racist, but as a(n alleged, I still can’t believe it) media professional, she should know better.

        • Commentatrix says:

          The comments were culturally insensitive at best, and the woman in question was offended enough to tweet a thoughtful defense of both her hair and her feelings about GR’s comments. The thing about taking offense, though, is that you don’t have to actually justify it to people. You’re allowed to be offended, and there’s nothing worse than voicing such feelings and having folks on the outside proceed to tell you why you’re wrong to feel them.

  4. Sota says:

    I like Brad Goreski. He used to be Rachel Zoe’s right hand BFF stylist man, but then they had some falling out of some kind. I am not sure of the details. But I met him at an event once and he was very fun IRL and nice to me.

    (Yes, I am namedropping. Deal with it.)

  5. Sota says:

    Why don’t the Fug Girls have their own tv show yet? Those two ladies are awesome. They probably don’t want a show, since their thing is writing focused, but I still think they are worthy of it.

  6. collin0truckasaurus says:

    I’m starting to feel this way about fashion critiques after big red carpet stuff because while I think talking about fashion is very fun, and that usually involves liking some things and disliking others, it’s probably pretty lame and hater-y to talk shit about how people look. So where do we draw the line between “she looks like trash!” and other funny but mean comments to “I do not care for that dress/makeup/jewelry/shoes” which is less mean but also bland? I mean, can you critique fashion in a fun way that is still respectful of the person wearing it? I would like someone who can do that to replace Kelly & Kathy.

  7. flanny says:

    Salem 4 Everything!

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