These two fuckheads

Guys, I apologize. I know we here in the Homeless Monster community don’t typically like to delve too deeply into metaphorical excrement, but prepare to positively WADE IN IT today. You guys remember this human skid mark? Of course you do. But what you might not have known is that shit smear has a brother, this pee stain right here. (I don’t want to contaminate our web home with their actual feces, er…faces.)

On Wednesday, NYC Mayor’s Office spokesperson Amy Spitalnick dared to challenge the accuracy of a story published on stool sample’s “journalism” website. Misogyny ensued.

First, Thing One mansplains the basics of e-mail etiquette:

Dear Amy,

Thanks for your email. You believe our story was inaccurate and have demanded a correction. Totally fair. We are going over the transcript now.

What Bedford complained about was your tone, which, I have to agree, was whiny and annoying, and I say that in the spirit of helpful correction rather than as a criticism. Outside of New York City, adults generally write polite, cheerful emails to one another, even when asking for corrections. Something to keep in mind the next time you communicate with people who don’t live on your island.

Then, shortly after baby bro forwarded him that super clever e-mail (no doubt in search of a sweet hit of that never-not-unhealthy brotherly approval), Thing Two proceeds to destroy the vestiges of our innocence with the most flummoxing ‘reply all’ fail since that one episode of The Newsroom:

Great response. Whiny little self-righteous bitch. “Appalling?”
And with such an ironic name, too…Spitalnick? Ironic because you just know she has extreme dick-fright; no chance has this girl ever had a pearl necklace. Spoogeneck? I don’t think so. More like LabiaFace.

Off to cry forever. Someone please follow this up with something cute because I’ve got some major dick-fright, all right. (The Carlsons are the dicks. You guys get it.)

About Commentatrix

First-wave millennial.
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10 Responses to These two fuckheads

  1. flanny says:

    Is this cute enough?

  2. nastyemu says:

    Otters playing a keyboard?

  3. old man fatima says:

    I think the most offensive thing about this whole episode is that we are talking about two adult human beings with jobs who consider “LabiaFace” to be the height of wit.

    Let me tell you a story.

    Once upon a time, I rented a place beside a meth house. It was mostly what you would expect (dog fights and pregnant 13 year olds), but every now and then a respectable looking grown up with a nice car would come by for a few hours. I guess because meth houses are our generation’s opium dens or slumming in a Harlem jazz lounge? Anyway, one day I came home from work to find a very nice car parked directly across my driveway. There was a well dressed couple in their late 50s on the meth house porch having a cigarette. I asked them if they knew whose car this was, and they said no. I knocked on all the doors on the street, but nobody knew. Finally, I called the police. I asked them to run the plates and give the owner a call to let them know that they had accidentally parked across my driveway, and to note my plate to make sure that I didn’t get a ticket for parking on the street since I wasn’t able to make it in. In the meantime, being basically a child (22), I wrote “this isn’t a parking spot, you gash” on a piece of cardboard and left it on their windshield.

    The police weren’t able to get in touch with the owners of the car, so they sent parking enforcement around. As he is writing a ticket, the well-dressed couple came running out of the meth house to protest the ticket he was writing for what was obviously their car. It did them no good, as anyone who has ever tried to protest a parking ticket knows. Anyway, I was on my porch, and when they saw the note, they threw it on the ground and yelled “THANKS FOR THE PARKING TICKET, DICK FOR BRAINS”. These are adults in their 50s, remember. I replied “I really hope that when I’m your age I can think of a better insult than dick for brains!” and they drove away, defeated.

    So that is the story of how old people suck at insults.

  4. And Carlson’s response to Buzzfeed was “I just talked to my brother about his response, and he assures me he meant it in the nicest way.” GROSS

    • Commentatrix says:

      Stunning. When I first read this, part of me triumphed through, you know, the disgust, because I thought, well at least these despicables showed the world their true colors THEY WILL NEVER WORK AGAIN. But nope. This was a rare glimpse into something sinister, yet something PR dictates (one assumes) should go away with no more than a hollow non-apology.

  5. hotspur says:

    These assholes literally make the world a worse place, and it’s hard to imagine they don’t recognize that. But they never wake up and think, “I need to make a change in how I treat people”? That is weird. I mean it’s weird even if we set aside Buckley and just look at Tucker’s stupid email: He’s writing an email to say emails should be polite, and he’s being outrageously condescending about it. So unless you think being polite is the same as being condescending… I dunno, I can see how he might tell himself he is “sounding considerate” and so “ha ha,” but in fact he knows it is a purposely insulting email, and obviously he took pleasure in constructing the insult. So… why? Tucker literally makes the world worse, on an ongoing basis, for no reason that I can see.

    As for Buckley. Sweet weeping Jesus.

  6. Erika says:

    Tucker and Buckley. Their parents really hated them, didn’t they?

    • flanny says:

      Now I’m going to imagine that their parents named them nice, normal names, but then when the boys got personalities, the parents were like, “Oh, we’re changing these to horrible names so people will see you coming!!”

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