The Weirdest Science

I wanted to write a movie review for you guys, but my time on this planet is limited and my review of ET is pretty much “the alien is creepy, the mom is a babe”. Plus I have a best-selling smutty novel to write so that I never have to do another honest day’s work in my life. Considering that there are so many classic (“classic”) movies I have not seen, I’ve come up with an excellent idea: I am going to review movies without having watched them. Who has that kind of time on their hands?? Armed with the IMDB plot synopsis, some screengrabs, and my newly acquired Photoshop skills, I took a look at our new favourite film: Weird Science.

“(1985.) Two high school nerds attempt to create the perfect woman,

but she turns out to be more than that. (94 mins.)”

Ah, the 1980s. What a magical time for all of us! Nerds getting hung by their underwear from coat hooks, Saturday morning detention clubs, public dancing bans. A time when all women were welders and all men were 1960s dance instructors. A time when women were literally objects that you could create on your Commodore 64 and print out using your ahead-of-its-time 3D printer to awaken your budding sexual energy. Truly the golden age of teenhood.

Scrolling through a Google image search for this fine film, I’m completely baffled by the emergence of man-hating, reverse Handmaid’s Tale 1980s feminazis. Look, ladies, we got the vote and women learned how to work in factories while still being sexy and raising babies, what more do you want? To be respected as human beings deserving of equal treatment? To be valued for your contribution to society? To see images of women in a public space that are not overtly sexualized and blatantly pandering to male fantasies? Lol, sure. Go back to your caves and castrate some more of your husbands, amirite? Thank god John Hughes stepped in to fight the good fight with this back-to-basics take on Christopher Marlowe’s Othello.

We open, I can only assume, with two valedictorians and co-captains of the chess club, Alexandre and Hershel, preparing to ask some girls to a dance. This movie doesn’t make us wait for what we are really after: a makeover montage! The boys comb each other’s hair, test out the latest beauty products, and then try on every one of their outfits, taking polaroids because they don’t trust mirrors. They mix and match outfits for literally hours (fun fact: this is the longest movie ever filmed, with over 72 hours of screen time!) before collapsing on the daybed and launching into a Sartrean discussion on the futility of teenage love. The whole scene is very moving, and plays a clear homage to French New Wave cinema’s Pierrot Le Fou, another film I have not seen but which is described by this site as “cinematic Cubism shot in dazzling primary colours and loaded with references to literature, painting, other movies and pop culture”, which is how I’m going to refer to everything from now on. “These nachos are cornchip Cubism, topped with bell peppers in dazzling primary colours and loaded with references to salsa, guacamole, and sour cream.”

Since love is but the waking nightmare of a drug-addled mind and girls are simply an illusion created by dehydration in order to lull you into a sense of complicity in your own death, as they rightly determine, they decide to go to the dance with each other, plus a bag of heroin to smoke. But how will they sneak this heroin into the school? They need a mule. But actual mules, which they have in abundance, are not permitted into high school dances. They boys turn to their trusty computer in order to lay the plans for the perfect drug-smuggling machine: a woman. It is well known that women can fit over 8 litres of heroin in their wombs, and that breasts can be used to smuggle wine (you can attach straws to the nipple, they’re just like those old timey leather-bag canteens). Why hadn’t they thought of this before? Celebration, followed by hard work for several hours in real time, followed by a sandwich-making montage, followed by grocery shopping, followed by the sacrifice of a newborn mule over the computer, and lo! He hath created woman.

Anyway, all goes smoothly until they get to school and she takes out the uterus heroin and they find out that they forgot to tether all of her bits together when they were making her, so all of her innards come out when she removes the heroin, which doesn’t affect her in the slightest because women are only semi-sentient manifestations of desire anyway. Nobody is worried or upset in any way because her outer core remains intact. She puts all of her gooey bits in the trophy case for safekeeping, but just as she is showing the boys…

…the principal walks in on them! Ruh roh! The boys are suspended for an afternoon for playing around with the miracle of creation, and their mule is locked in a holding cell at the local jail where she turns into smoke because men have stopped masturbating to her.

Overall, I give this movie 8 Billy Zabkas doing cocaine off of Gloria Steinem’s gravestone. (is she still alive? I can’t read lol)

Please leave your suggestions for future installments in the comments. I can almost certainly guarantee that I have not and never will see any of the movies you suggest. It would be my pleasure to write a review of them for you.

About old man fatima

They say that Old Man Fatima is over 400 years old, and that she stays alive by feeding on kids like you and me every Halloween. I heard she turns into an owl at night and flies around the neighbourhood looking for her next victim and that nobody has ever seen her blink.
This entry was posted in Movies and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

13 Responses to The Weirdest Science

  1. Sorry, I didn’t realize comments weren’t enabled! I still don’t know why WordPress does that sometimes.

  2. taoreader says:

    I love this! Please do more!

    Revenge of the Nerds
    Risky Business
    Fast Times at Ridgemont High
    Blame It on Rio
    Trading Places

    • old man fatima says:

      I have seen Fast Times! I have it on VHS! The others sounds good, though. I could write volumes about the underwear singing in RB.

  3. summerestherson says:

    I have never seen this movie either and now I don’t have to. Thanks old man fatima!

  4. Commentatrix says:

    Not only is Gloria Steinem alive, she is looking fabulous at 81!

  5. hotspur says:

    I never understood the appeal of this movie. I’ve met people who love it. I genuinely was not that big of a computer guy in high school (LOL there was no internet) but I was enough aware of them to spend the whole movie thinking, “Ugh, but computers can’t do that.”

    Also, old man, here was me during your recap: “Huh, I don’t remember the makeover scene… Oh. Duh. [two sentences later] Huh, I don’t remember the Sartrean — Oh, godammit, I did it again. Ugh.”

  6. artdorkgirl says:

    I’ve only seen this movie, like Fast Times, Risky Business and a few other 80s teen movies, broken up and heavily edited on VH1 so you could tell me all sorts of things happened in them and I’d believe you.

  7. mikaelajm says:

    don’t become a paralegal, fatima, please just review everything forever.

Comments are closed.