Wondering what’s in the stars for you this week? Wonder no more, because here I am with this week’s Flanoscopes.
Aries: March 21-April 19
Sometimes life is like painting a small, enclosed room in a house that is not your own. You get used to the terrible smell until suddenly you realize you are feeling woozy and ill, and then you leave the room and stand outside in the misty, cool rain–which is not ideal, but it is better than the small, enclosed room. Then, hours later when you’re falling asleep in a different room, suddenly you’ll smell the paint again. It’s as if the scent is stuck to the hairs inside your nostrils. Are the experiencing the long-term effects of paint fume poisoning? Are you dying? Are you going crazy? Did you inhale some paint and is it worth it to get out of bed and google these symptoms? No, you are fine. And you’re experiencing something similar in your life right now, Aries. You have been through a trying time, and even though you thought it was all behind you, there are some lingering effects that sneak up on you. Don’t worry. You’re fine.
Taurus: April 20-May 20
There’s light and sexy fun at the end of this week’s tunnel for you, Taurus. Keep your calendar and your heart open because the planets are perfectly aligned for some action. Except for Saturn, which never plays along.
Gemini: May 21-June 20
If a business proposition crosses your desk this week, the stars say to take it.
Cancer: June 21-July 22
Limit your red meat intake this week. There are a lot of toxins in the air and deep in your bones, and they will combine with the toxins in the meat and cloud your brain. However, the toxins in your bones are totally cool with white meat and also with chocolate, so you can eat a ton of chicken mole.
Leo: July 23-August 22
Just as daylight is reaching its longest length, your creative energy is soaring to new levels this week. It’s the perfect opportunity to pick up a new hobby. I would not recommend knitting or crochet, though, because then the project will just be sitting there on your lap, making you hot. Pick a cool hobby, like painting landscapes on the beach. Or smoking.
Virgo: August 23-September 22
Virgo, for the next few days it’s best to lay low and keep your opinions to yourself. You usually don’t have a problem biting your tongue, but sometimes things pile up inside you and you just burst! And this is a bad week for that burst to happen. So best to just stay in bed until the danger passes.
Libra: September 23-October 22
This week will be like the skin on your elbow. Rough and full of strange dips and depressions, but necessary for functionality. Just put some lotion on it. It won’t really help, but it’ll make you feel like you’re doing something. That lotion is probably booze.
Scorpio: October 23-November 21
An adorable child is going to help you wash dishes on Thursday, filling you with a gooey warm feeling and a sense of hopefulness for the future. Do you know any adorable children? If not, you have three days to kidnap one.
Sagittarius: November 22-December 21
How’s that zit in your ear? Gone, right?
Capricorn: December 22-January 19
It’s time to pick a new desktop wallpaper on your work laptop.
Aquarius: January 20-February 18
One night you will look out the window and see a UFO. You’re going to text all your friends and tweet it and Instagram a bunch of X-Files quotes before you realize that it’s not a UFO but instead just the reflection of your ceiling fan in the glass. So the lesson is not to keep your phone at arm’s length, because if you would have had to stand up and cross the room to get your phone, you would have seen that it was not a UFO and you would still have some dignity. (Also, please feel free to correct the tenses in this horoscope. I got too far into the hypothetical future on this one.)
Pisces: February 19-March 20
You will find yourself making a solemn vow, Pisces, and it is one you will not grow to regret. Will it be marriage vows? Will you decide to be a vegetarian? Will you dedicate your life to creating world peace? Will you vow to never take Davison Avenue home during rush hour because the traffic is bad enough to just drive you to the brink of murder? Yes, that’s the vow.
*Flanny is not a psychic and does not necessarily believe in psychics or astrology, but she reads her own horoscope every day just in case.*