Doughnut Day Week Day Three: Dunkin Donuts Donut

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There are days when I think back on what I did and I realize that I am really fucking American. Yesterday was one of those days. I drove my Chevy too fast on the interstate and then parked in an industrial wasteland, and then I went to a minor league baseball game where a team from Iowa won and where I drank a $7 beer (Labatt’s, which is imported). I ate French fries for dinner. Also I saw some old white people play golf. And, of course, perhaps most American of all, I ate a donut that was named for an upcoming holiday that I bought at a Dunkin Donuts that shared a storefront with a gas station. George Washington would be proud (but also probably angry that I could vote).

It seems like there was some controversy in the comments yesterday about my feelings towards Dunkin, specifically if I hated Dunkin. Let me put those to rest with a simple statement of fact: I lived in Boston for most of my adult life. One does not live in Boston for that long without developing a deep love and dependence on Dunkin Donuts. I have been to the original Dunkin location! I almost left my apartment and went to Dunkin while terrorists were on the loose not a mile from my apartment, so strong is my need for Dunkin. I know that their egg and cheese on an English muffin is made of 65% plastic and 35% mouse feces and still I crave it! I love Dunkin, but I think we can all agree that, while convenient, their donuts are subpar. But I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: put a donut in front of me and I will eat it! Reader: I will eat it!

I was meeting my brother and sister-in-law for the baseball game at 6:45, which was just enough time for me to go home after work, eat a whole bunch of french fries for dinner, and then drive to the closest Dunkin Donuts, a place I have been multiple times because although it is 20 miles away, I love Dunkin. Usually I would go through the drive-thru at this Dunkin, but I wanted to get the whole experience and also see exactly what donuts they had available (because I was looking for the squishy kind), so I went in. As stated earlier, this was a Dunkin that also shared space with a BP gas station. Facetaco might recognize this location as just down the road from the mall where his wife was yelled at. It truly is a beautiful part of town and a stunning piece of architecture in and of itself.
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When I went into the store, I was the only person there besides the Dunkin employee, so, again, I felt very weird taking pictures. I had gone in thinking I would get a raised donut with chocolate icing, but they didn’t have one of those. The had a pretty good selection for it being a couple of hours before closing time, but not the donut I had planned on. So I made a split-second decision. I went for the big time. The #1 Dad donut. Literally that was what the label said. “Strawberry Iced.” “Chocolate Glazed” “#1 Dad.”

“I’d like a #1 Dad?” I said. Wouldn’t we all?

The Dunkin employee, who was very nice and non-judgemental of a lady who came in at 6:20pm and ordered a single, male-holiday-themed donut, asked me for $1.05, and I gave her exact change, and then headed out on my way. In the Dunkin parking lot, there were some people washing windshields for charity I think? So I didn’t want to lurk around there and eat it in my car.  So I headed for the classiest place I knew of in town: the country club where I recently held an event.

It was a gorgeous day!  And the country club looked lovely, even from the parking lot.  I saw two old white people couples in pastel polo shirts driving golf carts and laughing.  I parked so I could see the club building and the green.  And I pulled out the donut.  What you might not have been able to tell from the lead photo is that this donut was star shaped, because #1 Dads are stars.  It also had some heft to it, so I knew I was in for a filling.  I’m, probably not surpisingly, sort of particular about my fillings.  I really don’t like filled donuts, but if I have to eat a filled donut I want either “red” or maybe custard.  But I hadn’t asked what was in the #1 Dad donut.  I was just going to have to find out.
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It was custard. But guys. Guys. This was not a good donut. It took me two solid bites to get down into the filling, and the donut itself was dry and ickily flaky. That’s what I get for ordering a theme donut in the evening from a gas station, I know, but, bleh. I barely finished it. My father is deceased, but I am outraged that his role in my life would even be associated by name with this donut. You deserve better, Dad! All dads deserve better! Especially the #1 one.

And he will get better! We’ll all get better doughnuts. Because Tomorrow’s Doughnut: Sweetwater’s Donut Mill.  They are literally the best doughnuts in the entire world, and while that might be hyperbole, I am not the only person who thinks that they’re very good.  So hold on to your doughbuts and prepare yourself to read about myself flipping my shit about a doughnut.

About flanny

Flanny was born and raised in a Detroit suburb, but tells people she's from Detroit without clarification because it makes her sound tough. She is not tough. Her favorite member of One Direction is Louis Tomlinson, and her favorite Agatha Christie detectives are Tommy and Tuppence.
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54 Responses to Doughnut Day Week Day Three: Dunkin Donuts Donut

  1. FRQ says:

    Perhaps it would have been better to visit one Timothy Horton’s?

    • flanny says:

      I had that exact thought on my way to the country club when I passed a sign for Tim’s. 😦

    • Casey says:

      It is a goal someday to visit a Tim Horton’s. I never would have been aware of them if not for Mike and Tom Eat Snacks and the pretend Tim Horton’s that they hang out at in “Wayne’s World.”

    • Sota says:

      Yes, but a word of advice at Timmy Ho’s…don’t get the sprinkled Timbits. They are like 99% stale sprinkles and 1% doughnut.

      • flanny says:

        Also, don’t plan on getting Timbits at the Timmy’s in Penn Station. They will not know what you’re talking about and will give you the display Timbits in an iced coffee cup padded with tissue paper.

        • Sota says:

          FLANIEL! THAT IS THE TIMMYS THAT I ORDERED THE BAD TIMBITS AT! What if we were there at the same time!? We could have bonded over bad timbits.

        • flanny says:

          Well, it wasn’t actually me. It was my friend Emily (you’ve met her!). I can tell you the exact date. It was February 12, 2010, because she was picking up Canadian goodies for our Vancouver Olympics Opening Ceremonies Party.

        • Sota says:

          Well, I was definitely living there at that time…so YOU NEVER KNOW! Maybe Emily paved the way for my visit for timbits, because the employees got the packaging direction in order before I got there, mine came in the foldable box thing, not a iced coffee cup.

    • old man fatima says:

      Tim’s has literally the worst coffee in Canada. It tastes like you licked the sidewalk beside a cigarette depository in the middle of summer during a garbage strike. BUT, they have the best breakfast sandwiches! They are on cheddar and jalapeno biscuits, and I eat them every time I go on a road trip. The only problem is, I either have to make two stops to get my coffee elsewhere, or drink Tim’s coffee (death first!), or not have any coffee. It’s a rough life.

      • flanny says:

        I actually don’t know if I’ve ever had their coffee, but their hot chocolate is very popular south of the border.

  2. Casey says:

    There was a slight Dunkin Donuts related kerfuffle here in Long Beach, CA a few months ago. There was an old donut stand near the edge of town with one of those big donut-shaped signs that had been there for decades, but under various different names and managements. Well, along comes Dunkin Donuts with plans to take over the location as one of their (I think) pilot stores on the West Coast and they announce that (SHOCK HORROR) they will be dismantling the donut. Now, mind you all, this isn’t even a gigantic donut like Randy’s in Inglewood (which is seen in movies, RCHP music videos and the like), but people were still up in arms about this. At first the city said they would preserve the donut and move it somewhere else (?), but then Dunkin Donuts finally decided to keep it there and use it as a sign, which only makes perfect sense. So, long, pointless story short, I still haven’t gone to the Dunkin Donuts yet.

    • flanny says:

      That was tense for a second, but I’m glad everything worked out for that sign.

      • Casey says:

        If we learned anything, it’s that oversized, fiberglass donut signs are very important civically. I’m glad Dunkin didn’t commit a *faux claw* here (bear claw? No?).

  3. Casey says:

    Also, I’m going to use this space to announce that this morning I learned that at least two of my co-workers had no idea about the show “Small Wonder.” One is about 5-8 years younger than me and the other is maybe 15 years older. Apparently, I exist at the perfect age to be aware of “Small Wonder.” I showed them the theme song, and they were both slightly aghast.

    I was a little taken aback too, as I could have sworn that the theme song was in a disco style.

    • flanny says:

      How old are you? I am 33 and I have a friend who is ONLY 32, and she loves this show, but until she told me about it, I’d never heard of it. Maybe the dividing line between the knowers and the not-knowers is between January and July of 1982.

    • Casey says:

      Also, please note that virtually everyone in this show (adults included) looks like the real-life version of a Campbell’s soup kid.

    • Sota says:

      I have never heard of this show before, and Im clocking in at 31. It is moderately terrifying. That tiny robot child is certainly going to murder the whole family in their sleep.

    • summerestherson says:

      What the hellllllllllll????? I think I had maybe heard that there was a show called Small Wonder but had NO IDEA IT FEATURED A CHILD ROBOT.

    • FRQ says:

      I definitely remember this show, but it appears that it’s because I’m the oldest in this group (35).

    • hotspur says:

      For years I would tell people, “There is one worst sitcom in the history of sitcoms. One. What do you think it is?” And people would always either say this show or would immediately switch their answer to this when I cited it. It is the worst.

      I work with a woman who used to write sitcoms in the 1980s and 1990s (she is 100) and when I asked her what she thought the worst sitcom of all time is, she said, “There is one definite answer, absolutely.” I said okay, let’s both write down our answers and reveal them at the same time. We both wrote Small Wonder. At the reveal, we were so excited that we spontaneously high-fived like it was Top fucking Gun.

      Then she confessed she wrote an episode of it. She wrote a Cheers, a MASH, and a Small Wonder. She said those were desperate times and her bank account needed anything it could get.

  4. Sota says:

    Last night as I was laying in bed, I found myself thinking of donuts. You have officially invaded my entire life with this sugary goodness Flaniel. So as I was laying there, I decided that I would definitely get off the bus one stop early and get donuts for all my coworkers today. That way, when the inevitable daily donut post came around I wouldn’t be reading it with my sad stomach growling. Well, the jokes on me, because I fell asleep on the bus and missed the donut stop and BARELY managed to get off at my work stop. Therefore…NO DONUTS.

    Here is hoping that tomorrow I can manage to get off the bus and get to the bakery, otherwise I wont get to celebrate donut day at all this year! GASP.

  5. catweazle says:

    I got a “Royal Wedding” doughnut there a million years ago and it was super nasty. I was not expecting a filling and I hate all fillings basically so it was a terrible surprise. I think maybe it was honey? Or some kind of slimy apricot? I didn’t eat enough of it to be sure.

    But really you can’t judge DD by their weird seasonal offerings! Judge them at their best! Judge them by their French Crullers!

  6. summerestherson says:

    My favorite Dunkin Donuts donut is chocolate creme filled. Vanilla creme’s pretty good too. But I hate all other fillings!!

    • summerestherson says:

      A quick Google search has informed me that DD actually spells it “kreme.”

      • Sota says:

        They are pretty loose with their spellings. The whole reason the world even has the spelling “donut” instead of “doughnut” is because of Dunkin marketing.

      • hotspur says:

        Truly their Vanilla Kreme is a wonderment. I would fight in a war to protect and defend the Dunkin Vanilla Kreme donut.

        (I don’t give a care about their chocolate version, though, so summerestherson and I are as the yin and the yang.)

  7. Sota says:

    OH MAN YOU GUYS! The doughnut news just keeps on keepin on! One of my friends just sent me a link to this event next weekend:

    Monster meet up for donuts??? Who wants to come to Minnesota?!?!

  8. Sergeant Tibbs says:

    Guys I’ve been waiting all week for a custard donut to come up! They’re my favorite but they’re rarely good. Here is one of my favorite wikipedia anecdotes, about filled donuts: “A common German practical joke is to secretly fill some Berliners with mustard instead of jam and serve them together with regular Berliners without telling anyone.” I think I’d be happy with a mustard filled donut.

    Finally, I have a donut shop idea that I’d like to discuss with someone but I am genuinely worried about having a sota porno tv fan steal it and then I can’t open up my dream business!

  9. I had a donut from Wegmans today! It was very good, but it made me feel sick 😦 (Not, like, food poisoning sick, just too much sugar sick.)

  10. martinmegz says:

    You inspired me so much with your posts this week that my coworker and I had to get some donuts. She figured out that we could get them delivered by Grub Hub and that was it, we had to have them. We ordered from DK’s Donuts in Santa Monica and got Double Dipped Swiss Chocolate Red Velvet Donut, Peanut Cake Donut, Cookies N’Cream Oreo Bar, Fresh Nutella Strawberry Donut and Bacon Bits Ube Donut. They were all AMAZING!!! Thank you for the inspiration! You are a hero!

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