Wondering what’s in the stars for you this week? Wonder no more, because here I am with this week’s Flanoscopes.
Aries: March 21-April 19
Stay calm, cool, and collected this week, Aries. You’ve got a lot to get accomplished and not a lot of time. You might ruffle a few feathers in your quest, but that’s what you get for working in a bird sanctuary.
Taurus: April 20-May 20
You’ve been working hard lately to achieve something that you once thought was fantastical, and now you’re very close to your goal. It may seem like the best plan of action is to put the petal to the metal and power through to the end, but take a moment to breathe and look back on how far you’ve come. You’ve almost achieved the impossible and acknowledging that fact to yourself will only make your accomplishment more meaningful.
Gemini: May 21-June 20
You will be in quite a serious mood this week, Gemini. This will serve you well at work and with your social circle, believe it or not. But even when you have a moment to yourself to relax, you’ll be serious, sitting bolt upright on your sofa, hands in your lap, lips together, staring straight ahead without blinking.
Cancer: June 21-July 22
You must find a quiet place in your soul for self-reflection soon. You’re used to taking things at your own pace, but you’ve been forced out of that comfort zone lately. The stars suggest going to a park and listening to the birds, or, if you don’t live near a park, going into the bathroom and flushing the toilet repeatedly.
Leo: July 23-August 22
Those shoes do not look good on you, Leo, no matter what your friends tell you. I don’t know why you’re being so weird about it! They’re way too expensive to buy on a whim and I am telling you they DO. NOT. LOOK. GOOD. Put them down.
Virgo: August 23-September 22
There’s nothing wrong with uncertainty. There’s almost a moment in time before a decision is made or an event happens when even the stars don’t know what the outcome will be. Take this in stride, Virgo. You like to be in charge of all the details, but sometimes you just need to let things fall into place.
Libra: September 23-October 22
You’re an excellent team player, Libra, but a team is only as strong as its weakest player, and you’ve got a real weak-ass player on your team right now. I don’t want to call anyone out–because we are all struggling through this life doing the best we can–but Alan is on Tinder, like, all the time. And not only does that mean he’s not pulling his weight, but it also means you’re going to have to hear all those disgusting stories about his dating life that are totally inappropriate for the lunch room.
Scorpio: October 23-November 21
Well there’s a light in your eye that keeps shining like a star that can’t wait for the night. I hate to think I’ve been blinded, baby! Why can’t I see you tonight?
Sagittarius: November 22-December 21
You’re going to have “Fool In The Rain” stuck in your head all week, which will hurt especially when it starts raining on Friday and you’re caught under a sprinkler. Fool in the rain, indeed.
Capricorn: December 22-January 19
Remember the video game King’s Quest? Well, during some version or another there was a character of Pan, the good ol’ half-human, half-goat fellow who played the Pan flute. I think h had a clue or something the player needed to advance. He would appear on one screen and then skip across it into another screen, and no matter how quickly the player would chase after him into that other screen, Pan would be gone. You are like Pan this week, Capricorn. People are going to be jealous of your ability to skip along seemingly without a care in the world, and they’re going to want to know your secret, but you won’t let them get close enough to you to even get a hint. Will your legs be as hairy as Pan’s? I just don’t know. Probably not.
Aquarius: January 20-February 18
You’re feeling even more generous than usual, Aquarius! Step out of your normal routine and try volunteering this week! It will do your heart good.
Pisces: February 19-March 20
You will have a very spooky dream on Monday night that you will not be able to shake for the rest of the week. For example, you’ll see your cat’s eyes glowing in the corner on Wednesday and flip the fuck out. Hahaha, don’t worry, it’s just your cat! You’ll hear a noise in your basement, a big thudding noise. Hahaha, stop be so lame! Your laundry detergent was just shaken off your washer and fell onto the floor! Hahaha, so dumb! you’re so dumb, Pisces! Boo! Hahahahahahha
Finally, no Flanoscopes next week because I’ll be roadtripping with another Capricorn! Can you even imagine the practical, humorless mischief we’re going to get up to?
*Flanny is not a psychic and does not necessarily believe in psychics or astrology, but she reads her own horoscope every day just in case.*