Aries: March 21-April 19
Sometimes life is like climbing a mountain. It’s cold and takes way to long, and even if you get all the way to the top (there’s no guarantee you will), you have to go right back down again!
Taurus: April 20-May 20
Sometimes life is like being a deep sea diver. You’ve got this big thing strapped to your back, which is uncomfortable but nonetheless is life-sustaining. And you can only travel half as far as you want to, because you need to save yourself for the trip back to the surface.
Gemini: May 21-June 20
Sometimes life is like being launched into space. Sure, you might be weightless, but in order to get to weightlessness, you have to be basically set on fire and thrown up into the sky. Plus you have to pee into a tube.
Cancer: June 21-July 22
Sometimes life is like doing a load of dishes. It feels neverending, but soon enough it’s over and all you have you to show for your efforts is wrinkly, dry skin.
Leo: July 23-August 22
Sometimes life is like going bowling. Your goal is to knock something down.
Virgo: August 23-September 22
Sometimes life is like being an archaeologist. You’re knee-deep in past drama that isn’t even yours! Will all of this dirt and grime be worth it in the end, or will you have ended up spending all this time just uncovering a piece of trash? You didn’t get into this mess just to dig up some trash! Will the world never stop littering???
Libra: September 23-October 22
Sometimes life is like being a paleontologist. It’s basically like being an archaeologist except rocks and bones can easily be mistaken for each other. Also, sometimes a rich guy comes along in his helicopter and you have to cover everything up with a tarp.
Scorpio: October 23-November 21
Sometimes life is like being a paleobotanist. You’re just like, what the fuck is that? Is it a real thing? Or did Michael Crichton make it up? We’ll never know.
Sagittarius: November 22-December 21
Life is never like a box of chocolates. Like a tube of Starbursts, yes. But never like chocolates.
Capricorn: December 22-January 19
Sometimes life is like seeing Jason Biggs having sex on screen. It’s not bad. It’s not disgusting, really. It’s just very confusing. “Is he attractive?” you ask everyone. And everyone says no. But someone must find him attractive because they keep casting him in roles where people have sex with him. Uggg, life, why are you so confusing?
Aquarius: January 20-February 18
Sometimes life is like finding out your childhood best friend’s little brother is going to be a father for the second time. Sometimes life is exactly that.
Pisces: February 19-March 20
Sometimes life is like being a dentist. Everyone is very scared of you, even thought all you want to do is help. Maybe if you wore softer colors people could relax around you a little more.
*Flanny is not a psychic and does not necessarily believe in psychics or astrology, but she reads her own horoscope every day just in case.*