I think the moment that Entourage, the greatest show of this or any generation, really hit its creative peak (if we can narrow it down to just one, you guys) (feel free to settle this very important and timely debate in the comments), was when Turtle dated Jamie-Lynn Sigler in real life. Because everyone on the internet was like: “Jamie-Lynn, you precious sunflower, you’re a gosh-darn national treasure and you can do so much better than this slovenly, directionless loser,” and Jamie-Lynn was like: “uhh, he’s hardly any of those things, his name is Geraldine Ferraro (or whatever) (R.I.P.), he’s a successful actor starring on HBO’s most watched show, and I think you must be confusing him with his character, which only proves how talented he is.” So we chewed on that for a while, and then we were like: “surprisingly good point, Jamie-Lynn, and shame on us.” That day, Entourage taught us never to confuse an actor for their character. (Thanks, Vince and the gang! #Entourageboysshare.) And because we stuck to that rule, we had a great couple of years. Really! Since J-LS first guested on Entourage in 2008, has anything gone wrong? The economy has been in tip-top shape, all our favorite teams have won the World Series of Sports, and Miley Cyrus birthed the Royal Baby or whatever. I give the last seven years an A+. All because we remembered our lessons from Entourage.
Life is not a big game of pretend, and I choose to take my evidence at face value. Seth Cohen is a lovable, nerd-chic loser who frets constantly about how pursuing his own happiness will reflect everyone around him, from his parents to his toy horse. Whereas Blair Waldorf’s approach is to conspire her way into any advantage she can pilfer, at anyone’s expense, and her basic redeeming qualities are that she’s rich and attractive. (I’m being VERY generous interpreting characters’ inner motivations when essentially all they say out loud are Death Cab lyrics, but that’s kind of our role as culture bloggers, I think.) That’s the fundamental difference between the shows: while the O.C. kids were subject to the whims of society and, you know, other people’s interests and feelings, the monstrous Gossip Girl kids seemingly controlled the entire universe they lived in, which is a ridiculous premise for anyone who’s ever been sixteen. (Was Gossip Girl written by teenagers? All evidence points to “yes” and I’ve never heard anyone in production deny it.) Blair dating Seth is like Machiavelli dating a cartoon of your social anxieties. It’s not just that these characters could never get along. It’s that their shows were written to prevent them from ever occupying the same fictional universe.
So now I’m left to reconcile how these two are not only able to coexist, but by all reports (like this one!) (always cite your sources) are pregnant. With a baby! Here are some theories about what happened over the past few yeas to bring these two unlikely lovebirds together (H/T: an old friend):
- Seth inherits the Newport Group after Kirsten Cohen is killed in a structure fire, he loses all sense of levity, becomes a ruthless businessman, and strikes a cross-country deal with Blair to convert one of his McMansions into an outlet store for Waldorf Designs. Mere months later, they hire Julie Cooper as their wedding planner.
- Blair throws Georgina Sparks in front of a cab, and hires Sandy Cohen to defend her against attempted-murder charges. Sandy indulges his penchant for assimilating his clients into the family, and introduces Blair to a recently-divorced Seth. Blair somehow forces Seth to marry her in a prison ceremony.
- Blair meets Anna Stern at an NYU-Brown women’s basketball game. When Blair’s private jet makes an emergency landing in Providence two years later, she texts Anna, looking for a place to stay. (Her credit card has been rejected at all the Providence hotels because her husband, Chuck Bass, has recently been arrested for flipping counterfeit art.) Anna, Blair, Seth, and Summer Roberts end up in a polyamorous relationship because apparently Seth is irresistible to everyone.
Nope, these are actually all wrong. Because it turns out that Adam Brody and Leighton Meester might have a lot in common. As the People article catalogs, they both value their privacy. (See, you guys? Very similar.) Further, they both appreciate Italian food. (Seriously, have we confirmed these two aren’t related? Someone please verify.) Moreover, and this one’s easy to overlook for casual celebrity-relationship-ologists like yourselves, but they each starred in primetime teen melodramas created and run by Josh Schwartz. I’m sure there are more similarities to find (we haven’t even touched on their work together in The Oranges, the 2011 film by longtime Entourage director Julian Farino, for which they got sixth and seventh billings) ($366,000 gross box office!), but we’ve already narrowed the Venn diagram down to a subset that includes about a dozen people, tops, so I think we’re good here.
This has gotten long and I don’t really remember where I was going with it. The Entourage movie was apparently a total flop, (I’ll admit I wasn’t among the like nine people who saw it), Josh Schwartz is a ghost, and neither Adam Brody’s nor Leighton Meester’s career is blossoming. So I’m pretty much touristing among has-beens. And as Jamie-Lynn Sigler has essentially retired from the industry to raise her family, maybe the bigger point is that, like leaving Britney alone, we should check out on this celebrity couple. Enjoy the sunset, you crazy kids. However obscene your characters’ flaws, your reluctance to provide me with any other fodder for this column actually hints that you could be decent parents.