I Don’t Know Anything About Suicide Squad Except That This Article Is Ridiculous

I have no knowledge of/interest in whatever Suicide Squad is but when I saw the headline “Suicide Squad Has an On-Set ‘Therapist’ for Cast” on the front page of IMDB I was intrigued. Was this a case of hilariously misused quotation marks? Why would it be news that actors need therapists when we all know they are all crazytown? If it’s not a therapist but a “therapist” is Scientology involved somehow? I had to know the truth. And the truth was so ridic that I had to annotate it:

Suicide Squad is going to be a dark movie.  [Duh-doy, it’s not called “Happiness Squad”]

So dark that director David Ayer has hired an on-set “therapist” [Again with the quotes. WHAT DOES IT MEAN???] of sorts [well that doesn’t sound shady] [on Opposite Day] [HEYOOOOO!] to help his all-star cast avoid from going too far for their roles [I offer proofreading services at a very competitive rate just fyi].

“David Ayer is about realism,” Adam Beach, who plays Slipnot [Is this a typo or does this character wear suction-cup shoes or what?] in the film, told me at the premiere of Joe Dirt 2: Beautiful Loser [JOE DIRT 2: BEAUTIFUL LOSER] (streaming on Crackle [The fuck is Crackle?] July 16.) “So if your character is tormented, he wants you to torment yourself [We talkin’ hair shirt? Self-flagellation? Two And A Half Men marathon?]. He wants the real thing.”

But he doesn’t want his stars, which include Jared Leto as The Joker, Will Smith as Deadshot [Oh my god maybe it IS Scientology-related!] and Margot Robbie as Harley Quinn, to take their work home.

“We kind of have like a therapist [Those are some inspiring qualifiers] on board if you fall off the wagon and really are villainous [Wait what?] [I thought this was in case you got too sad about suicide or whatever] [Please tell me this became necessary after some asshole actor decided to try to pull a bank job in the name of their Craft],” Beach said. “There’s a friend of [Ayer’s] that’s very unique in making sure we have our ground [A mystical real estate agent?].”

He’s not a psychotherapist, but more of a “life coach,” Beach explained [Yeah this is definitely Scientology]. “Us actors explore very fine thin lines going to the dark side [Aww, I’m sure you do, sweetie] and he wants to make sure we finish a movie and don’t disappear somewhere and then don’t show up for work [Because you became a supervillain?].”

We certainly know Leto has gone method in some aspects. As I exclusively reported [Excuse me while I go out and get you the “World’s Best Reporter” mug you are so clearly angling for], the Oscar winner [Ugh don’t remind me] sent a live rat to Robbie, some bullets to Smith and a dead hog to the cast [PUT HIM IN JAIL I FINALLY UNDERSTAND WHY THEY NEEDED A SCIENTOLOGY “THERAPIST” ON SET].

The surprising gifts [“gifts”included a video as well as a letter explaining why he hadn’t joined his co-stars during preparations for the film [Because he was too busy trying to figure out how much postage to put on a rat, presumably].

“Basically, what he said was, ‘Guys, I can’t be there but I want you to know I’m doing my work as hard as you guys [Sure],'” Beach said. “The video he showed is in character. It blew our minds away [Oh no did you ever find them???]. Then we realized that day, this is real.”

Suicide Squad will be in theaters Aug. 5, 2016. [And I will be at home watching Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights and drinking a nice rosé]

About catweazle

Catweazle is an 11th century wizard trying to make his way through the modern world while living in a disused water tower with his pet toad.
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10 Responses to I Don’t Know Anything About Suicide Squad Except That This Article Is Ridiculous

  1. flanny says:

    Is this like how when I’m feeling sick I just gchat my friend whose brother is a doctor and she tells me to drink fluids and go to bed?

  2. Sota says:

    True or False: Was the article written by Joey Tribbiani? He doesn’t know how to use quotes either.

  3. I just want you to know I was almossstttt holding on at work while reading this until I got to: [Because he was too busy trying to figure out how much postage to put on a rat, presumably]. That was the point I could no longer contain my laughter.

  4. Martinmegs says:

    Wait wait this is so good, can you please make commenting on stupid articles a regular feature? Can you comment on everything? P.s. It’s me I just don’t know my WP login

  5. Marlasinger says:

    i love this post.

Comments are closed.