As I’m sure you’re all aware, Amy Schumer appears on the cover of the latest GQ sucking on C3PO’s finger while wearing Princess Leia’s official sex slave bikini top. Inside the magazine there are more lurid pictures of Schumer getting frisky with our favorite characters (and props), and people are NOT pleased. They think this brazen hussy has desecrated their childhood memories with her disgusting toplessness and post-robocoital cigarette smoking. Disney quickly responded to the uproar by insisting that they had nothing to do with the photoshoot and would never have approved such filth.
I agree wholeheartedly that this photoshoot was a disgrace and I am very angry about it, but for completely different reasons. I mean, come on guys, these characters have already been desecrated by a little something called Episodes I-III so that ship has sailed. But there is another, far more important ship that continues sailing with the winds of righteousness at its back and that ship is called R2PO.
There is no romance more compelling than that between R2D2 and his protocol droid soulmate C3PO. The evidence is everywhere. Their love is true and enduring, having weathered war, separation and dismemberment. Their metal hearts beat only for one another, and the suggestion that they would ever share their bed with anyone else, be they man or woman, human or droid, is abhorrent to all who believe in true love.
Shame on you, GQ. Shame on you, Amy Schumer. Shame on you, America.