Okay Condé Nast, you win. I’ll read your goddamn magazine.
So first thing’s first: Why the hell do I keep getting these magazines? I guess my e-mails to them are being routed to an e-toilet, because it’s been 6 months and I continue to receive them. I suppose I could put more effort into it and call their offices, but honestly, it’s too amusing to make a fuss over.
My best guess is that I am a Wired subscriber, and they wanted to send me samples of their other products to get me hooked on more magazines. But guys, Glamour? I’m pretty sure somewhere in my registration info I indicated I was a man, and would have happily accepted anything else such as Condé Nast Traveler, Vanity Fair, and, duh, GQ. Hell I would have even taken Golf Digest. Actually, scratch that. Golf is lame. Bring on the lady mags.
The first thing I noticed is that this periodical is HUGE. Like 380-pages huge. That’s almost four times longer than Wired. Of course, about half of that is made up of advertisements, and hot damn are there a lot of them. I had to get through FORTY FOUR pages of this madness before I hit the table of contents. Maybe you ladies out there should give me your dress sizes. After being exposed to so many ads I will instinctively blow through all my credit cards buying ladies’ clothing.
Cover Story – Fall Fashion
Guess what, ladies? This weather isn’t going to last forever, and it’s time to break out the light jackets, tunics, and sensible pants. Better yet, throw it all in the garbage and buy a new wardrobe! Glamour has a handy dandy guide to a variety of looks for the upcoming autumn season. It even has this useful “Glam Guide”, which labels each article with an icon representing Work, Dates, and Relaxing, so you know when to wear what. We men are simple troglodyte nincompoops, and will basically wear cargo shorts and an Affliction shirt on any occasion.
This season you have five personalities to chose from: Minimalist, Bold, Romantic, Uniform, and Fashion with a capital F (i.e. you mean business). I’m sure they could go on, but they have to keep the page count under 9000.
Cover Model – Karlie Kloss
Unlike the last 5 issues, I had no clue who this girl was. I think I read somewhere that she was seen in one of Cara Delevingne’s Instagram photos, but that’s it. I trekked all the way back to page 2,971 to read a brief interview with the 23-year old tall drink of water. She seems like a nice enough girl, and I am impressed that she’s interested in computer programming. She’s even started the Kode With Karlie program to encourage young women to get into software engineering. However, she is also apparently BFF with Taylor Swift, so let’s see how fast power corrupts her soul and makes a surprise announcement that she’s dating the Samsung Galaxy S6 Edge+.
Dos and Don’ts
A reoccurring feature where Glamour tells its readers what things they should try out in their lives, and what to avoid like the plague. One celebrity that offer her wisdom for this section was Greta Gerwig, who shared her experiences from red carpets and parties and gave this advice:
- Hair the size of your hips makes you look like a Madame Tussaud statue.
- Drinking and putting on makeup in a moving automobile is dumb.
- Long leather gloves should only be worn by Cruella De Vil and possibly The Wolverine.
- Be proud of your smile! (assuming you like your smile. If not, continue to brood)
- Cybill Shepard looked good as shit in The Last Picture Show.
She also advised keeping a pen and paper on you for last minute note-taking, but this is the 21st century, girl. Write all of that shit down on your smartphone. May I suggest the Samsung Galaxy S6 Edge+?
Other Dos for this month: the GoTBT (Game of Thrones belt tuck), track pants (…what?) and the pussy bow (ahahahahaha I’m 12).
Yes! Finally something for the gentlemen! Glamour consulted a panel of celebrity experts for their advice on how to survive the 2015 NFL season, which starts on September 10th. Here are some of the key takeaways:
- According to Jordin Sparks, being 7 years old and doing the Macarena will get you on the jumbo-tron.
- Aisha Tyler’s ideal tailgate: Kettle Chips. Couch. Nap.
- Jessica Szohr is a life long Packers fan who’s never worn a cheesehead. Heretic!
- The League power couple Kate Aselton and Mark Duplass share their advice on how to draft the right fantasy team. Kate’s first piece of advice? Don’t be wooed by a player’s non-football traits. Unless you are Gisele Bundchen, Tom Brady’s eyes earn you zero points.
- If you’re going to wear face paint to a game, just remember this: reflector tape is for assholes.
There are about 40 other articles I didn’t read, so if there’s a subject you want me to look up, I’ve got this perfume-laden tome in my bag. That way if I’m robbed I will be embarrassed twice in the moment. Ask away!