FRQ Reads A Ladies’ Magazine

Okay Condé Nast, you win.  I’ll read your goddamn magazine.

So first thing’s first: Why the hell do I keep getting these magazines?  I guess my e-mails to them are being routed to an e-toilet, because it’s been 6 months and I continue to receive them. I suppose I could put more effort into it and call their offices, but honestly, it’s too amusing to make a fuss over.

My best guess is that I am a Wired subscriber, and they wanted to send me samples of their other products to get me hooked on more magazines.  But guys, Glamour?  I’m pretty sure somewhere in my registration info I indicated I was a man, and would have happily accepted anything else such as Condé Nast Traveler, Vanity Fair, and, duh, GQ.  Hell I would have even taken Golf Digest.  Actually, scratch that.  Golf is lame.  Bring on the lady mags.

The first thing I noticed is that this periodical is HUGE.  Like 380-pages huge.  That’s almost four times longer than Wired.  Of course, about half of that is made up of advertisements, and hot damn are there a lot of them.  I had to get through FORTY FOUR pages of this madness before I hit the table of contents.  Maybe you ladies out there should give me your dress sizes.  After being exposed to so many ads I will instinctively blow through all my credit cards buying ladies’ clothing.

Cover Story – Fall Fashion

Guess what, ladies?  This weather isn’t going to last forever, and it’s time to break out the light jackets, tunics, and sensible pants.  Better yet, throw it all in the garbage and buy a new wardrobe!  Glamour has a handy dandy guide to a variety of looks for the upcoming autumn season.  It even has this useful “Glam Guide”, which labels each article with an icon representing Work, Dates, and Relaxing, so you know when to wear what.  We men are simple troglodyte nincompoops, and will basically wear cargo shorts and an Affliction shirt on any occasion.

This season you have five personalities to chose from: Minimalist, Bold, Romantic, Uniform, and Fashion with a capital F (i.e. you mean business).  I’m sure they could go on, but they have to keep the page count under 9000.

Cover Model – Karlie Kloss

Unlike the last 5 issues, I had no clue who this girl was.  I think I read somewhere that she was seen in one of Cara Delevingne’s Instagram photos, but that’s it.  I trekked all the way back to page 2,971 to read a brief interview with the 23-year old tall drink of water.  She seems like a nice enough girl, and I am impressed that she’s interested in computer programming.  She’s even started the Kode With Karlie program to encourage young women to get into software engineering.  However, she is also apparently BFF with Taylor Swift, so let’s see how fast power corrupts her soul and makes a surprise announcement that she’s dating the Samsung Galaxy S6 Edge+.

Dos and Don’ts

A reoccurring feature where Glamour tells its readers what things they should try out in their lives, and what to avoid like the plague.  One celebrity that offer her wisdom for this section was Greta Gerwig, who shared her experiences from red carpets and parties and gave this advice:

  • Hair the size of your hips makes you look like a Madame Tussaud statue.
  • Drinking and putting on makeup in a moving automobile is dumb.
  • Long leather gloves should only be worn by Cruella De Vil and possibly The Wolverine.
  • Be proud of your smile!  (assuming you like your smile.  If not, continue to brood)
  • Cybill Shepard looked good as shit in The Last Picture Show.

She also advised keeping a pen and paper on you for last minute note-taking, but this is the 21st century, girl.  Write all of that shit down on your smartphone.  May I suggest the Samsung Galaxy S6 Edge+?

Other Dos for this month: the GoTBT (Game of Thrones belt tuck), track pants (…what?) and the pussy bow (ahahahahaha I’m 12).

Football!

Yes!  Finally something for the gentlemen!  Glamour consulted a panel of celebrity experts for their advice on how to survive the 2015 NFL season, which starts on September 10th.  Here are some of the key takeaways:

  • According to Jordin Sparks, being 7 years old and doing the Macarena will get you on the jumbo-tron.
  • Aisha Tyler’s ideal tailgate: Kettle Chips.  Couch.  Nap.
  • Jessica Szohr is a life long Packers fan who’s never worn a cheesehead.  Heretic!
  • The League power couple Kate Aselton and Mark Duplass share their advice on how to draft the right fantasy team.  Kate’s first piece of advice?  Don’t be wooed by a player’s non-football traits.  Unless you are Gisele Bundchen, Tom Brady’s eyes earn you zero points.
  • If you’re going to wear face paint to a game, just remember this: reflector tape is for assholes.

There are about 40 other articles I didn’t read, so if there’s a subject you want me to look up, I’ve got this perfume-laden tome in my bag.  That way if I’m robbed I will be embarrassed twice in the moment.  Ask away!

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About FRQ

Once ate an entire blueberry cobbler by accident
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26 Responses to FRQ Reads A Ladies’ Magazine

  1. catweazle says:

    FRQ, I have so many things to say about this!

    1. I am happy that they sent you this instead of GQ because a) It prompted you to write this post, and b) It is a step closer to breaking down society’s pathological enforcement of the gender binary.
    2. In Glamour’s defense, this looks like it was their September issue which is A Thing with fashion magazines. Normally it wouldn’t be so long, and honestly 380 pages is shorter than Vogue’s September issue.
    3. The ads are part of the fun! At least for me! When I read Vogue I never even read the articles. I just look at all the ads and editorials and try to see if I can guess who designed the clothes and who the models are. I have gotten very bad at this game lately because I haven’t been keeping up with the runways as much as I used to 😦
    4. It is suspected by many that Karlie Kloss is not Taylor Swift’s best friend but is in fact Taylor Swift’s girlfriend. Also she has been basically the world’s #1 model for several years and has been in the industry for a long time! Here she is modeling for Alexander McQueen at the ripe old age of 16:

    4. I just saw the trailer for Mistress America and I want to see it so much! Greta Gerwig is great.

    • FRQ says:

      1. 😀
      2 & 3. Fair enough, it was more of an observation than criticism. Ads in fashion mags are better than ones found in other magazines (10 best doctor’s in America , my ass)
      4. I see, good to know. I do know who Alexander McQueen, though!
      4b. I agree. Frances Ha was a great movie.

  2. collin0truckasaurus says:

    In all fashion magazines, I would say I like Glamour better than most. It seems to be mostly fashion as opposed to other magazines whole “lifestyle” thing.

  3. flanny says:

    I am a size 6 or 8, thank you for buying me new work clothes!!!

  4. Sota says:

    Here is an Instagram that TaySwift posted to KK for her birthday. Conveniently Tay’s hot boy toy seems more prominently featured than the birthday girl.

    • Sota says:

      Seriously? Ugh. WOOF. Embed fail.

    • collin0truckasaurus says:

      Yeah this is kind of an annoying picture to share on your friend’s birthday. Like, hey friend, you couldn’t find one of just the two of us, you had to include your boyfriend? Lame.

      • Sota says:

        Exactly.

      • catweazle says:

        Maybe she’s just trying to deflect the rumors! Like, look how heterosexual I am!

        • Sota says:

          Maybe Karlie is trying to deflect typical model rumors. Like, look at me! I’m a model but I like food!

        • catweazle says:

          She actually has a whole cookie-baking enterprise called Karlie’s Kookies and it’s cute and all and it’s nice that some of the proceeds go to charity etc etc but they’re some kind of unholy “health cookies” and in trying to find information to share with you guys I found this hilarious quote from an article about them:

          “They’re incredible. I just housed the melted sample that Kloss slipped Emily backstage at Jason Wu, and we’re talking, like, the best gluten-free, dairy-free, agave-sweetened cookie I’ve ever had.”

  5. nastyemu says:

    If a magazine doesn’t have a “who wore it better” section, it’s not worth my time.

  6. old man fatima says:

    I love everything about this and I hope it becomes a recurring feature.

    My question is about the fall season. From the photo you included, it looks like denim and those fabric strip things from car washes are going to be hot this season, but logic and taste tell me that that can’t possibly be right. Is that right?

  7. artdorkgirl says:

    FRQ, this might be my favorite column of yours. I’m always on the look out for shoes, and I can wear the smaller sizes, so if you see a great flat or a funky heel you think would look good, I wear a 6.

    Also. Please tell me that track pants and heels were a don’t. Because I don’t want to live in a world where it’s a do.

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